Alice Leaves Wonderland
 

That obnoxiously sweet, sticky, encouraging liquid that could temporarily make me giggly, flirtatious and outgoing. The accessible and acceptable alternative to reality that would help sweep the pain under the carpet and replace it with the outgoing personality I craved.

Alice found her Wonderland at 15.

Fed with a silver spoon, blessed with intelligence, a supportive family and all the creature comforts one could desire. A facade of perfection hiding a truth saturated with self loathing and lack of control.

Forever surrounded by people normalising alcoholism. Nanna slurring her words after too many Sherry's with lunch, mum throwing plates at dad in the kitchen as a child after a family BBQ, friends boasting about the astounding amounts consumed at a party or colleagues swapping stories of daily empty wine bottles hidden from sight.

But, I was still functional...I could still get up and go to work, freshly ironed uniform, lipstick on...I could still maintain my professionalism in a stressful healthcare position. I could disconnect from the chronic alcoholics I treated with swollen, ascitic bellies, oesophageal varices and sad eyes.

Then the bottles of wine turned into bottles of vodka. Nocturnal habits broke boundaries; sickly liquid breakfast, lunch or dinner replaced actual meals. Drinking to relax, tuned into drinking to completely disconnect from the world that seemed too loud.

The girl who desired perfection in all elements of life fell down the rabbit hole. Something took over. A dissociative experience with a desire to find peace in all the wrong places.

Unwashed hair, broken promises, benzos washed down with regret, guilt and Grey Goose....I was like the herb collection on my deck that I had neglected to water.

Crumpled, lifeless and broken.

But I deserve more. I deserve to be healthy, happy and fulfilled. I deserve to celebrate my accomplishments and be supported through my trials.

I can do this, and so can you.

I'm now 28 years of age; today is day 19 AF after a recent relapse. I have my whole life ahead of me.

I make no assumption that I can do this alone and will be ever grateful for the unwavering support and understanding that my family and drug/alcohol team have offered.

Stay positive my fellow friends, sending love and light <3

Great writing skills. Alice in Wonderland is a great story. Thanks for sharing it.

Welcome Brigitte :)

I fell down that rabbit hole too - Jefferson Airplane in my ears, the whole romantic BS....

I was a lot older than you before I climbed out again.

I'm glad you've found us - welcome aboard :)

D