Gabe1980

Hi everyone. I've had a lot of stuff going round in my head the last few days and I thought you all might be able to help me with my perspective on things.
I flew home for my brother's 40th birthday last weekend. I'd been worried about it as he chose to spent all day in the pub with family and friends. Just the usual way to celebrate where I come from. Long and short is that it went really well. I decided how long to stay for, had a lift home organised for the early evening (I don't drive) and I told people close to me I wasn't drinking. Stuck to cranberry and soda and went home sober. I actually found it better than I expected. I really didn't want to drink and found it quite unsettling when everyone else started to look really drunk. It might have been too soon to go to something like this and I'm feeling the repercussions of that now though my brother is really important to me.
My issues seems to have been in the days after. I felt very much on the outside of things. I have a long-standing drinking relationship with aunty and cousins so I knew my not drinking would change things but I found it upsetting how much. I also got a fair amount of hassle from old friends for not drinking and I ended up feeling quite arrogant, like I was implying that they were all unhealthy or wrong to drink. It has left me feeling that I'm not sure if I will lose some of these people (not physically but in terms of intimacy) and I'm starting to realise how much things are going to change.
I am also aware that it gives my AV an apalling leverage to be in that position becuase it doesn't make me want alcohol as much now but definately pulls on my need to feel accepted and my pathalogical fear of rejection. This is a complex and frightening thing for me to face.
I don't want to be in that situation again so will not be attending any family events for a while and just need to make a point of visiting people for cups of tea when I'm home. Every single family occassion we have is in a pub or a party and everyone gets drunk......eventually it will just be accepted that I am tee total but I guess I just have some feelings of loss just now.

Brigitte

What a conflicting situation, Gabe.

I wish I could say that the answer is easy, however here in Aus we have a very strong drinking culture and often those who choose not to participate are alienated, humiliated or left behind.

In saying that however, I cannot see how the time is any less special when you have remained abstinent? Can you not share the same memories and experiences?

Perhaps there is some misguided assumption that you look down on their choice to continue drinking...?

I'm sorry, I can't really offer any advice other than to be true to yourself. You know the toxic, downward spiral that awaits if you succumb to the temptation to reinstate alcohol consumption.

I miss the boozy BBQ's with my friends and family, but I value my sanity and wellbeing more so.

Stay strong,

-B

Dee74

Hey Gabe

what you have to remember is...this is not the best it's going to get.

Whether we're drinkers or not relationships grow and change, for us all.

It was weird for me and I expect weird for my friends and family at first - but when they saw the wonderful positive changes and the growing joy in me, they came to accept my decision.

My relationships with friends and family are better now because I'm sober - not worse

Don't let that AV get a look in.

Rule number one is the AV lies...always

D

August252015

I will concur with Dee as usual - and add this:

Last summer ('16) my now fiance later told me, at our first lunch date, that when I said "Everything is better sober," he didn't quite believe me - "but he wanted to know more."

Now, he knows for certain that what I said is true- in spades.

I promise you that staying sober and true to what YOUR life can be reaps innumerable rewards.

Gabe1980

Massive help, thank you folks. It feels very immediate, all this stuff and I had lost sight of the fact that things will evolve and change. I suppose the main thing is that it is a fundamental change in me and if I own that and become empowered by it (which I feel like I am!) then only good can come.

Two main things I'm taking from this is:
I enjoyed being sober and didn't want to drink.
It's a social problem rife in this country and that is the problem, not me making positives choices for my own life.

It's difficult. AV is a sneaky, devious wee bugger and I don't always catch it for what it is.

Cascabel

Gabe, a lot of my relatives are drinkers too. But, my sister is, and always has been a teetotaler. The family has always accepted this and has never turned away from her (tho occasionally she gets accused of being a bluenose). When I quit there was some pressure on me to indulge "just this once". Eventually they got used to my being a teetotaler like my sister. And, I occasionally get called a bluenose: I love it! 😀🌵

Anna

This is a great decision. Like you, I tried a neighbourhood party early on. I didn't drink that night, but was furiously miserable, and the next day, I was out buying alcohol for myself. I had to stay away from situations like that for many months.

And, this is just me - I don't like being singled out for what I am eating or not eating or drinking or not drinking. I feel it's extremely rude. I don't think you were being arrogant at all. Maybe you were feeling myob.

DreamCatcher17

What is AV? I see it used a lot. Thank you

WildernessVoice

Hello Dreamcatcher AV = Addictive Voice

Gabe1980

I think you might be right Anna. I certainly felt under pressure, not only to explain myself but actually defend the decision that I wasn't drinking. I think some of my answers became a bit brittle and frosty after umpteen comments from folk.

A good opportunity for my AV to start banging on about 'what people think' and 'things never being the same'. I realised today that if I drank it would have been to make everyone else comfortable around me and how ridiculous would that be? Making myself ill and miserable for others. It's a good place to get to in my own thinking. I think Im starting to understand exactly what Im dealing with here.

Gabe1980

Hey Dreamcatcher. There are loads of really good threads on here about AV. It was some of the first stuff I read. I find it essential in understanding the addict part of my thinking. Have a look around. Im sure it'll be good for you too 😊

dwtbd

DreamCatcher, check out the AVRT( Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) threads in the Secular Connections forum here on SR , great reads

theVman31

Similar situation.
All family and friends in Ireland... all events...

Here here : "AV is a sneaky, devious wee bugger and I don't always catch it for what it is."

It can hit like lightening.
The plan is the lightening rod.

Good evening to you.

Delilah1

First, great job not drinking, each time you do that you build those sober muscles.

I definitely had to avoid gatherings where there would be drinking for a bit. I have 21 months now, and I am okay being around family and friends if they are drinking, but I always leave myself an out just in case.

You are smart to avoid drinking events until you have a little more sober time, and even then, always leave yourself an out.

Glad you are here!

AnvilheadII

Gabe - i think your perspective is spot on and your insight is incredibly clear!! you are right, things ARE going to change and that can seem really scary. but it is ok for you to grow, even if that means you grow apart from some people. it is ok to make personal choices that not everyone agrees to. or understands. we don't live by consensus, we live by following our true inner voice and the almost invisible path the universe lays out for us.

Gabe1980

Yeah, definitely taking it slowly and just checking in with myself a lot. When I get to the truth of things I can usually feel it, it feels like a lack of an agenda (if that makes any sense!). I want to get to the truth about my own addiction and how it has altered my thinking and my belief system. You are right Anvil, inner voice indeed. Thank you for all your comments above. I am glad I'm here. I can see how confusing this journey is going to be at times, I'm grateful I have a place like this to come to. Peace everyone.

squiz

This all rings very true. the pressure, the lack of understanding, having to explain why.

I guess we have to give them time to come round to the idea. We're only just beginning to build our new selves, we don't even know what the shape of our lives will be as we heal and grow and fill up with health, freedom and joy! Just as we give ourselves time, the people round us need time to adjust too.

I've had a major drinking identity all my adult life and I have tried a bit before and gone back to the bottle. So I dig a level of scepticism!

It is truly nice when you tell a friend though and they say 'I'm happy for you, I'm proud' ❤️