BrookeyB

Hi,

I've never written on any message boards before. But I felt compelled since I'm struggling a bit and don't want to call to wake anyone up.

I was sober for over 10 years, and recently relapsed around the same time I lost my brother. No one knew for a bit, but my behavior was changing. I was throwing myself into work. Canceling any plans I had made with friends/family etc. I was in a relationship with someone who was also in recovery and knew if anyone would pick up on it he would. So I distanced myself. I slowly started burning my life down. On the outside I had it together. I still worked with sponsees which I'll forever regret. Was not being honest with my sponsor. Kept everything to myself. I truly did think that maybe, I could fix it before it actually got bad (it was already bad)Even after 10 years of throwing myself into recovery. Loving it. Building the best life for myself. Helping other women anyway I could. working with a great sponsor. Having a home group. Attending meetings. Working with a therapist. All of the things that I was suggested to do. And they actually helped.

Then, while I had family in town for my brother's funeral I drank. I made the decision within a minute. And ran with it. The guilt I felt after one sip made me want to drink more to numb it. That night came and went. I had a couple days after that without the desire to drink. So I chalked it up as a slip and tried not to beat myself up about it. And attempted to move forward. Without saying a single word to anyone. Which was my biggest defect. Ego. Having 10 years I was suppose to look a certain way in my mind. Be incredibly spiritual. Say all the right things. I wasn't suppose to struggle or need help like a person who is coming in newly sober. This was all so far from the truth. And somewhere I knew better. But I was too prideful to see it. Or want to. So for me, I thought keeping that shame inside was a better idea than talking about it with the massive amount of supports I'd made over the years that have yet to judge me, yet I thought they might now.

I stayed sober for a few days after that one night. But only a few. I picked up drugs. On top of alcohol. I would try and drink when I wasn't going to see anyone for awhile. Since they might smell it. And take pills while I worked. Or had to keep up my appearance. This last about 2 months. Until that previous relationship I had mentioned earlier was once again going sour due to my manipulative and selfish behavior...He picked up that something was off and just asked if I had been using. And surprisingly I was honest. And told him everything. I felt so much better.

I started getting honest with everyone. Somehow shook the shame. And fear. And after a little time I stopped thinking about how I just threw away 10 years. Because I didn't just forget everythjng I had learned because of my relapse. I was slowly feeling better. And got so much support. But with relapse, comes some uneasy and worried family and friends. Employers that are watching a little more closely. And in my case, my family and friends and job were all very shocked. It blindsided them I'm sure. Everything seemed fine. And then all of a sudden it wasn't. But they still supported me. They may not have understood. But they supported me.

So fast forward to a couple of days ago. I had racked together a bit time since my relapse. Was being rigorously honest with my sponsor. Doing a lot of self care. And doing as much service work as I could. I really was starting to feel like myself again.
I had some bumps in the road, that looking back now I probably didn't deal with in the best way. Like a very sad break up. But I still felt strong. And then a couple of days ago I relapsed again. It was for a night. I ended up moving in with a sober friend for a little bit until I figure out my next best move. Being alone wasn't helping. There is obviously something deeper going on here. Something I'm not dealing with. Or just acknowledging. But this time. This one night of drinking has had more of an impact on me than I could ever imagine.

I feel broken. I'm trying to realize that I have so much to feel grateful for. That I'm sober today. I didn't stay out. But I'm so full of guilt and shame and embarrassment. I honestly didn't know I could hurt this much. And it's surprising me! As an addict alcoholic I've been through some very painful things in my life, but for some reason this is sooo painful to me. Because I can't stop beating myself up. I truly do feel like a failure. I need to focus on the fact that I did get over 10 years. So I know I can do this. But I honestly can't think about much except for how shameful I feel.

I just honestly feel helpless. And hopeless. And I know I have the tools. But in the moment I don't feel that I do. All of the time I had sober isn't helping me cope with this feeling. I wish it would. I can think logically about how this isn't the end. This doesn't define me. Etc. But my feelings are making me feel much different.

I just needed to get all of it out there.

One day at a time right? I'm currently just trying to get through one minute at a time.

Dee74

Hi and welcome BrookeyB
I'm really sorry for your loss. That must have been devastating to deal with.

I'm around 10 years sober too and altho I know a lot more than I used to, I still wouldn't say I have all the answers - and thats a good thing - gotta be room for improvement always.

SR keeps me grounded and helps me remember that.you havd a terrible thing happen and you reverted a lomng ago default. I happens. Try not to beat yourself up too much - that energy is better placed in getting you up on your feet and back to where you want to be

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here

D

DayTrader

It all sounds so familiar.

I wonder if you drank because of the outside circumstances (a death in the family) or if maybe because of something deeper like alcoholism? I used to blame my drinking on a lot of things but the list kept growing. I hadn't really considered that the circumstances in my life didn't make me drink. I drank because I was alcoholic. The occurrences I'd been blaming were just excuses for me.

Thinking I could get it under control, that I had it beat this time, that I'd be fine eventually just kept me "out there" longer. What I thought was hope and confidence were really just the disease talking and delusion covering up the obvious - I wasn't going to beat it - I didn't have the power to.

Meetings and a sponsor helped for a while but before long, I was right back where I was - hating myself, hating life, hating what I'd become, etc. I felt like nothing was working. Ppl kept saying, "hang in there man, it'll be ok." They were wrong.....hanging in there was what I'd been doing and it was killing me. I coudn't take anymore false hope. I needed some real and tangible improvement.

I guess that's where most everyone gets to before they throw in the last towel and work the steps in AA. And frankly, many ppl don't get to that point because they do have the power to stop drinking and straighten their lives out. I was convinced I could do it......but the evidence was overwhelmingly against me. OK......fine......I'll try it, but I know it won't work....I'll do your stupid steps. Heh......works every time.

best of luck to you Brookey. May you find out quickly what you are and what you have to do.

Berrybean

Sorry you've hit a rough patch - but glad you're here and posting.

Have you re-started the step work with your sponsor yet? You also don't mention prayer or your HP in your post and I wondered if that is significant (or if it's just because you just didn't feel you could mention it on here).

I find prayer one of my most amazing tools. Perhaps you could go through some of the step prayers and shake that up a little. I found this webpage helpful for doing that... Friends of Bill W. - Twelve Step Prayersfromthe Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

I don't know if you ever use the speaker recordings - I know in the past they've helped me get back to a place of calm when I've been awake at night and ruminating, getting all that fear and resentment swirling round like tsunamis. I get them from here (my faves are Sandy Beach, Earl Hightower and a few others, but sometimes its good to click on a random one)... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/

Is there a chance that you're still going through the grieving process?

Anyway - I hope you stick around and keep posting.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, such a devastating loss I am sure.

Your 10 years are not gone, you know that. Cherish what you have accomplished. You can take your relapse very seriously (and even feel very bad about it) while still feeling thankful and proud of your sober time, make room in your heart for both sides of the coin.

You have really gone through a LOT in the recent past- the death of your brother, a relapse, the breakdown of a relationship- do you think professional counselling would help you? I think sticking very close to AA, your sponsor, the step work, your higher power, etc is very important right now, it has served you well in the past and is a big, positive part of your life. However, AA members and sponsors, while highly qualified in the alcoholism department, are not professional psychologists and sometimes that is just what you need.
Sending you a big hug and a lot of virtual support.

FreedomCA

Praying that you can get back on track and stop the downward spiral.

Midwest1981

the shame is the worse part of relapsing. I really hate that feeling. It will ease up. Keep taking good care of yourself and doing the next right thing. You will be back on track in no time.

soberandhonest

Hey BrookeyB! Thanks for joining SR. I don't have much insight, just wanted to send you some support and positivity. And as Meraviglioso said, your 10 years of sobriety are not gone! You had 10 awesome years and you can start your next 10 right now.

PhoenixJ

Brooke, welcome. Okay- you screwed up. You know more than I do, probably on the why's and where fors. All the positive messages, all the cliches- they never help me much when I feel crap. I am my worst enemy- this I know.
So again- we screw up. Humans do that.
What to do?
Keep doing all the things we always do- but with a little more maturity and sadness and shame, yes- but we do not stop.
Recovery is not a linear thing- like grief- it comes in waves of feeling good/crap/bad/good- bored, excited..etc.
All I know is not to think you have lost EVERYTHING, that you have wasted 10 years. Nope- you have not.
-you have been honest
-if you did not feel like crap-THEN I would be worried for you
-you have awareness.
- you are alive
Sometimes logic and emotions do not gel. Thinking in absolutes does not work either. Nothing is black and white. I have caused so much damage..my story makes even hard bitten health professionals pause. All I can do is accept and keep trying and keep moving. Never stop moving.
Do not let the shame paralyse you. Take stock, accept and move on.
My empathy, support, compassion and prayers are with you.
Addiction sucks.

Cleomie

You. Can. Do. This.
So you've had a hiccup on the journey. You can use this experience to help others. Dust yourself off, and get back on the horse.
I feel confidence in you, just from hearing your voice thru your post.

Silverback4

Brookey warm welcome and sorry to hear of your troubles.
There are more qualified people on here than me, all I would say is don't be too hard on yourself.
Whats done is done and you can learn from it and rebuild, it doesn't have to define you or make you feel so bad about the future.

Hope things are getting better and thank you for your post.
Although things are tough for you at the moment your post will help so many others who are struggling also.

All the best

rmeatgt350

You sound like a super hero to me, if that helps. 10 years of sobriety and then having to deal with what you've dealt with...and despite the shame your feeling, STILL being able to talk about it and work toward a better future. You shouldn't be ashamed you should be proud of your resolve. Sure, we all make mistakes but in the grand scheme of things I think you should feel like youve accomplished a lot!