New to this and need so much guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
New to this and need so much guidance
Hello all,
I am new to what is happening in my life and need as much advice as possible. Last week, a very dear old friend contacted me because she was being kicked out of where she was living and totally homeless. I went and picked her up and it didn't take long to realize she has a severe alcohol and drug problem. In addition to this, she seems to be dillusional and suffering from depression. She doesn't seem to care about herself or what happens to her and now she is in my home. I have never seen in my personal life someone who needed to be in a residential facility so desperately.
I have spoken to her siblings and discovered that this problem has been growing for some time. In terms of help, they've been giving her money, but it has been blown on liquor and drugs leading to her current homeless situation. None of them seem up to the effort involved in tough love or an intervention.
This is having an enormous negative effect on my home and relationship with my husband. She believes she just needs some new clothes and will go get a job. She can't even see clearly that she's not fit to get a job.
I'm not sure exactly what to say to her. I am going to have to tell her that she needs to get into recovery or I can drop her off somewhere, but she can't stay. I feel terrible because she has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts her whole life. Any suggestions are appreciated more than you can ever know.
I am new to what is happening in my life and need as much advice as possible. Last week, a very dear old friend contacted me because she was being kicked out of where she was living and totally homeless. I went and picked her up and it didn't take long to realize she has a severe alcohol and drug problem. In addition to this, she seems to be dillusional and suffering from depression. She doesn't seem to care about herself or what happens to her and now she is in my home. I have never seen in my personal life someone who needed to be in a residential facility so desperately.
I have spoken to her siblings and discovered that this problem has been growing for some time. In terms of help, they've been giving her money, but it has been blown on liquor and drugs leading to her current homeless situation. None of them seem up to the effort involved in tough love or an intervention.
This is having an enormous negative effect on my home and relationship with my husband. She believes she just needs some new clothes and will go get a job. She can't even see clearly that she's not fit to get a job.
I'm not sure exactly what to say to her. I am going to have to tell her that she needs to get into recovery or I can drop her off somewhere, but she can't stay. I feel terrible because she has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts her whole life. Any suggestions are appreciated more than you can ever know.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
I'm sorry for the situation with your friend. I hope she decides to seek help for her issues. Unfortunately there is not a lot that you can do to help her until she decides to seek help for herself. It's understandable that you do not want her to remain in your home. I hope she chooses rehab for herself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Lisa - I agree with everything Anna has said. I hope your friend chooses rehab but she may not be ready for that, in her own mind.
In the darkest depths of my addiction I was once taken in by friends too and I massively abused their kindness and overstayed my welcome....not my finest moment....
but ultimately having to find my own place got me one step closer to accepting responsibility for myself and my decisions.
I don't think it's wrong of you not to want her there in your house.
D
In the darkest depths of my addiction I was once taken in by friends too and I massively abused their kindness and overstayed my welcome....not my finest moment....
but ultimately having to find my own place got me one step closer to accepting responsibility for myself and my decisions.
I don't think it's wrong of you not to want her there in your house.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've read a lot about setting boundaries. I'm not sure exactly what to say to her. We talked tonight and she tells me that she thinks about going to detox every day. When I asked what is stopping her, she says she doesn't want to get sober. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting this week to find out more.
Thanks again for respong9ng.
Thanks again for respong9ng.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The other option would be an Open AA meeting if there isn't an AlAnon one for a while. We also have a friends and family area here on Soberrecovery which may be useful to you... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I am afraid though, what you are mostly going to hear is that until she wants to get sober she won't. Nobody can do this for her. And while her family enabled her by giving her money, you are equally allowing her to not face up to the consequences of her drinking by taking her in (even while she says she has no plans to stop drinking and it is detrimental to your own life). Believe it when I say, to her drinking is more important than your relationship, your home or YOU. She is an active alcoholic and her alcoholism is running the show at the moment. The homeless sitation might well be the rock bottom she needs to realise just where alcohol is taking her (at the moment it's just taken her to an accomodating friend's house - what's the problem??).
What she wants is an easy solution, some clothes and a job (so she can buy more alcohol). What she needs is to realise just how dire her situation really is. Wants and needs tend to be very muddled for the alcoholic. It's lovely that you want to help - but it doesn't sound like she is ready or willing to be helped. Just accomodated and enabled to drink.
Good luck with this situation. It's highly unlikely (in my opinion) that you're going to resolve it in a way that means she is happy with you, but that won't be because you're a bad friend.
BB
I am afraid though, what you are mostly going to hear is that until she wants to get sober she won't. Nobody can do this for her. And while her family enabled her by giving her money, you are equally allowing her to not face up to the consequences of her drinking by taking her in (even while she says she has no plans to stop drinking and it is detrimental to your own life). Believe it when I say, to her drinking is more important than your relationship, your home or YOU. She is an active alcoholic and her alcoholism is running the show at the moment. The homeless sitation might well be the rock bottom she needs to realise just where alcohol is taking her (at the moment it's just taken her to an accomodating friend's house - what's the problem??).
What she wants is an easy solution, some clothes and a job (so she can buy more alcohol). What she needs is to realise just how dire her situation really is. Wants and needs tend to be very muddled for the alcoholic. It's lovely that you want to help - but it doesn't sound like she is ready or willing to be helped. Just accomodated and enabled to drink.
Good luck with this situation. It's highly unlikely (in my opinion) that you're going to resolve it in a way that means she is happy with you, but that won't be because you're a bad friend.
BB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 421
It sounds like there's underlying mental illness at the root here, which she may be drinking to alleviate (it's a which came first, the chicken or the egg thing, I think; is it the alcohol that causes the mental illness or the mental illness that causes the drinking?) Either way I feel like in a lot of cases they just go hand in hand. From what I have seen a lot of inpatient treatment centers will treat both issues simultaneously, which I think may be a good idea for her. if there is some sort of more severe mental illness going on here (you mentioned she seems to be delusional) then I wonder if she would even be in the right frame of mind to want to accept help.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Lisa,
Yes, there are probably underlying mental issues...chicken v egg.
imo...Really this is spilled milk.
If your friends family is done with them, so to speak, there is no magic you will have.
It is sad, but you will likely end up enabling ...they may even steal from you or harm you.
The active addict is not in a sane state.
You are essentially dealing w a "dependent." You have every right to treat your friend as a child or send them on their way.
If they don't like that and get hostile, in any way, the police should be involved.
If I were in your position, I would offer my friend a bath, clean clothes, water, food, some money (modest amount), maybe a back pack.
I would explain that they are heavily addicted and that their family has stopped trying to help.
I would say that I cannot help if the family cannot help. I would "direct" them, drive them is ok, to a social service shelter or hospital.
It is not your job to care for an adult whose family has given up on them.
Thanks.
Yes, there are probably underlying mental issues...chicken v egg.
imo...Really this is spilled milk.
If your friends family is done with them, so to speak, there is no magic you will have.
It is sad, but you will likely end up enabling ...they may even steal from you or harm you.
The active addict is not in a sane state.
You are essentially dealing w a "dependent." You have every right to treat your friend as a child or send them on their way.
If they don't like that and get hostile, in any way, the police should be involved.
If I were in your position, I would offer my friend a bath, clean clothes, water, food, some money (modest amount), maybe a back pack.
I would explain that they are heavily addicted and that their family has stopped trying to help.
I would say that I cannot help if the family cannot help. I would "direct" them, drive them is ok, to a social service shelter or hospital.
It is not your job to care for an adult whose family has given up on them.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 421
[QUOTE=D122y;6622274]Lisa,
Yes, there are probably underlying mental issues...chicken v egg.
imo...Really this is spilled milk.
If your friends family is done with them, so to speak, there is no magic you will have.
It is sad, but you will likely end up enabling ...they may even steal from you or harm you.
The active addict is not in a sane state.
You are essentially dealing w a "dependent." You have every right to treat your friend as a child or send them on their way.
If they don't like that and get hostile, in any way, the police should be involved.
If I were in your position, I would offer my friend a bath, clean clothes, water, food, some money (modest amount), maybe a back pack.
I would explain that they are heavily addicted and that their family has stopped trying to help.
I would say that I cannot help if the family cannot help. I would "direct" them, drive them is ok, to a social service shelter or hospital.
It is not your job to care for an adult whose family has given up on them.
Thanks.[/
No, it's not their job. But they're obviously concerned about this person's welfare. The fact that she's posting here in the first place looking for guidance as to the best course of action to take says a lot. I think it's important to know your boundaries, so I agree with that, but just because one group of people may have given up on someone doesn't mean anyone else should stop trying. It doesn't make the person your "child". No, it's not your job, but you want to help. Trying to do so is not necessarily futile, as long as you realize that you yourself have limitations as to what you can offer.
Yes, there are probably underlying mental issues...chicken v egg.
imo...Really this is spilled milk.
If your friends family is done with them, so to speak, there is no magic you will have.
It is sad, but you will likely end up enabling ...they may even steal from you or harm you.
The active addict is not in a sane state.
You are essentially dealing w a "dependent." You have every right to treat your friend as a child or send them on their way.
If they don't like that and get hostile, in any way, the police should be involved.
If I were in your position, I would offer my friend a bath, clean clothes, water, food, some money (modest amount), maybe a back pack.
I would explain that they are heavily addicted and that their family has stopped trying to help.
I would say that I cannot help if the family cannot help. I would "direct" them, drive them is ok, to a social service shelter or hospital.
It is not your job to care for an adult whose family has given up on them.
Thanks.[/
No, it's not their job. But they're obviously concerned about this person's welfare. The fact that she's posting here in the first place looking for guidance as to the best course of action to take says a lot. I think it's important to know your boundaries, so I agree with that, but just because one group of people may have given up on someone doesn't mean anyone else should stop trying. It doesn't make the person your "child". No, it's not your job, but you want to help. Trying to do so is not necessarily futile, as long as you realize that you yourself have limitations as to what you can offer.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The AA big book has some suggestions on this.
Ask her if she really wants to quit and is willing to go to any extreme to do so. If she is try calling AA and getting a couple of 12 steppers to come and see her. If, as is sadly the case sometimes, they don't have 12 steppers, the next best thing is to take her to a few meetings and introduce her to some recovered alcoholics..
Other alcoholics are very good at winning the confidence of the newcomer. They also usually know the lay of the land as far as detox and treatment options in the area are concerned. They may also know of accommodation options.
After that, there is not much more you could do. Either way, it may be a good thing if she leaves your home.
The answer to your question about going to any extreme to get well should be unequivocal. Any conditions or yes buts are a sure indication that she is not willing. Nothing you can do about that. Take care of yourself and your family, and don't leave any money lying around.
On behalf of us sober alcoholics, thank you for your concern and kindness.
Ask her if she really wants to quit and is willing to go to any extreme to do so. If she is try calling AA and getting a couple of 12 steppers to come and see her. If, as is sadly the case sometimes, they don't have 12 steppers, the next best thing is to take her to a few meetings and introduce her to some recovered alcoholics..
Other alcoholics are very good at winning the confidence of the newcomer. They also usually know the lay of the land as far as detox and treatment options in the area are concerned. They may also know of accommodation options.
After that, there is not much more you could do. Either way, it may be a good thing if she leaves your home.
The answer to your question about going to any extreme to get well should be unequivocal. Any conditions or yes buts are a sure indication that she is not willing. Nothing you can do about that. Take care of yourself and your family, and don't leave any money lying around.
On behalf of us sober alcoholics, thank you for your concern and kindness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 33
It's a tough and horrible situation for yourself but there is very little you can do in all honesty. Whilst I've certainly had my issues myself; I've known people much worse and the analogy I once heard that helped me put it perspective is this:
Trying to help a friend with addiction problems is like trying to stop a runaway train. The safest thing you can do is stand at the side of the track and signal the driver, it's up to the driver to take control back. If you stand in front of it; it will simply run you down.
As others have said (and I know it's a tough choice); it may be better if she leaves your home so the destructive behavior doesn't drag you down as well. That doesn't mean giving up on her; stand by the side of the track and offer advice and signals but to keep your own life safe standing on the track is a bad idea. Ultimately; you can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do. She has to make the decision herself.
Trying to help a friend with addiction problems is like trying to stop a runaway train. The safest thing you can do is stand at the side of the track and signal the driver, it's up to the driver to take control back. If you stand in front of it; it will simply run you down.
As others have said (and I know it's a tough choice); it may be better if she leaves your home so the destructive behavior doesn't drag you down as well. That doesn't mean giving up on her; stand by the side of the track and offer advice and signals but to keep your own life safe standing on the track is a bad idea. Ultimately; you can't force anyone to do something they don't want to do. She has to make the decision herself.
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