Back again...Day 5
 

Hi All!

I'm Kelly - I've been here before (many times) and I'm back again after having a rough weekend which has once again, reminded me that I do in fact have an issue and I MUST come to terms with it.

Last Friday night I frightened myself by the sheer amount of alcohol I drank (2 bottles of wine and then I went out to a bar alone and had another 4 drinks on top of that) and ended up going home with some random guy though we didn't sleep together thank god. But I then had the embarrassment of getting myself home and looking like God knows what.

I got home and signed up to an online sobriety school that I had been thinking of doing and that starts next week with online coaching and support. It's the first time that I've taken any steps to get support with this problem so I feel good about that. In the past I've just gone it alone which obviously hasn't worked.

This is my story in a nutshell (I'll try to keep it brief ha)
- I'm 32yo, British originally but now live in Auckland, NZ.
- I moved here in 1998 when I was 13 after a family trauma which resulted in the loss of my entire extended family whom I had been close to and it left me with a lot of questions that have never been fully answered.
- I had my first drink at 14 and from the get-go I've always been a binger and could never really stop/have control over the amount I consume.
- I've also struggled with severe depression and anxiety since around 15-16 years of age and have always had incredibly low self-esteem which is rooted in my family troubles.
- These troubles were compounded when at 20, after visiting my estranged family, I received an abusive email from one of my uncles telling me I was worthless, no good and that I wasn't welcome in their family.
- This catapulted me into a deep depression and I've never really fully recovered from that to be honest. I've always felt incredibly unworthy, and had a lot of hate for myself for a long time.
- My early 20's drinking was very binge-drinking like; getting wasted 2-3 times a week; always a heavy heavy drinker.
- in my late 20's, I was getting tired of the partying scene so my drinking changed to being a more dailyish habit (at least 3-5 days a week) and typically, I'd drink at least 1 bottle of wine at a time...I can never not finish the bottle!)
- 4 years ago I decided to make some changes and I started journaling which has been really positive for me and I've done a lot of good self-development work on myself and I've even trained as a life coach and I am in process of starting my own coaching business and overall I'm in a much better place with myself.
- However, the drinking has always been in the background. The last couple of years have been really tough for me and I've let go of a lot of people from my life (some intentionally and some not) as I have been realigning with a new value system. But the thing is, I've been so consumed with building my business, I've let everything else in my life go. I haven't been meeting new people, so I basically have NO ONE to talk to or hang out with right now, and I've been working myself into the ground so I've gotten into some pretty bad eating/drinking habits.
- These days I tend to drink alone at home and that's how I prefer it because I find that other people get in the way of my drinking...I can drink as much as I want and I don't have to worry about driving anywhere or being unsafe.
- about ten days ago I had a very intense experience at Tony Robbin's UPW 4 day event in Sydney and giving up drinking was one of the decisions I made then and there, but I have obviously drunk since then which I'm really disappointed about.
- I've tried to quit so many times over the last two years (and actually managed 94 days earlier this year) but this is the first time I've actually sought support. I know that doing it by sheer willpower just isn't working!!
- I'm thinking about going to AA here as well literally so I can meet some people in the flesh.

Apologies for the essay!! I'm really happy to be here, and looking forward to making some awesome friendships here. Love to you all.
Kelly xo

Welcome back, Kelly.

It is really good hear that you are addressing your drinking and taking positive steps to achieve sobriety and recovery.

AA sounds like a good choice, too; IRL support can be so important.

Again, welcome back.

P.S. I am very sorry to hear about the past traumas in your life. Coming to terms with your past and putting I solidly behind could, also, really help you move forward in sobriety. Have you considered therapy?

Hi Kelly,

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Congratulations on making the decision to stop drinking and to start posting here. The people on this site have been invaluable to me on my recovery journey. I recently started cognitive behavioural therapy and learnt that I have a core belief that I am worthless. Apparently it can be quite a common belief held by us addicts. The good news is, we can change the way we view ourselves. We can get better. Sobriety has given me the clarity to start working on the stuff that made me drink in the first place. I'm learning that sobriety is so much more than not drinking. It's about reconnecting with the real, authentic me and building a load of self-esteem in the process.

At 32, you have lots of time to work on your recovery and build the life you want to live. For now, you need to concentrate on staying sober. One day at a time. You could think about joining the September class thread on this site and I find the 24 hour thread really useful. I like checking in every morning and committing to another 24 hours of sobriety. It sets the tone for my day. When you get a craving, post here. There will always be someone around who can help.

I'm sending you lots of strength and support. And take heart that if you managed 94 days on your own, now you have a whole army of support. Things can and will get better :)

Good to hear from you Kelly tho I'm sorry you're struggling.
Doing something about it is great move forward tho :)

I hear Auckland has some pretty good AA - let us know how you get on :)

D
D

Thank you and yes I've been in therapy on and off for years and years but I am currently seeing a therapist so that's good :)

It's a good time for me to break through this crap!

:thanks

Thank you! Yes there is a Young People in Sobriety group that I'm quite keen on... hopefully I still fit into the "young people" category at 32 haha

:tyou

:tyou

Great job on five days thus far Kelly. You stated that the online coaching is the first steps you've taken to get support which is fantastic. Be sure to use this site as well, it's truly a lifesaver.