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Is alcohol abuser different to an alcoholic?

Old 09-26-2017, 08:24 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jules714 View Post
I agree with Anna. Not going to this Wedding is a good idea. It's *very hard.
Maybe just spend time working on things with your wife? Walking and talking. No booze, no kids, no festivities...just back to basics...you and her. That might set the tone positively for you both.
J
I know what youre saying, i tend to agree...The only problem is it's a really close friend and we're invited all day, so theyve already paid for us to be there, and having married recently, i know how expensive it would have been for them to include us and exclude some of their other friends...also, the hotel is paid for and has a no refund policy.

I'm splitting hairs here arent I, surely letting down some friends and waving goodbye to a couple of hundred bucks for a hotel room is small change to what i could have with my wife instead.

Another thing is , both our families know we have this wedding coming up, her mum is watching the kids for us...they will want to see pics of us all dressed up. She'd rather her family didnt know about our problems as he mum was an alcoholic (albeit 12 years clean now) and doesnt want them worrying about her...especially her dad who will probably beat the crap out of me if he knows how i've treated his daughter recently.
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:29 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I couldn't have got through my first 3 weeks without this site. The support is unreal, I don't have a huge amount of sober time, but its my longest to date and I have the conviction I never had, to never go back to the merry go round I was on. When drinking brings you somewhere like this site, you cant be in denial anymore, you wouldn't have found yourself here if you didn't deep down know that you have an issue with drinking, and its not getting better no matter what tricks you use to cut down. stay close to here, it really helps!
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:30 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Then go to the ceremony and take some pictures and leave. Feign an illness. You can return to the paid for hotel room and talk and order room service. Sounds like an ideal time to me. You know, saving my life, my marriage and a $30 club sandwich I can eat in a bathrobe in bed I didn't have to make or clean up after.
J
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:35 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jules714 View Post
Then go to the ceremony and take some pictures and leave. Feign an illness. You can return to the paid for hotel room and talk and order room service. Sounds like an ideal time to me. You know, saving my life, my marriage and a $30 club sandwich I can eat in a bathrobe in bed I didn't have to make or clean up after.
J
You may have just inspired me...The wedding is in the hotel we're staying at, but just along the road is the hotel we got married at and it has a spa, so we could maybe go to the ceremony, take some pictures, feign an illness : ) , then head out to the hotel we got married and spend the day there in the spa and walking in the grounds. We could always go back to the hotel at night and get room service...I will suggest this to my wife...Thanks!
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:45 AM
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That sounds like a wonderful plan!
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:47 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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the difference between and abuser and an alcoholic is time and volume.
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:49 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Leeloo View Post
That sounds like a wonderful plan!
Hopefully my wife will think so too and agrees to go with me!
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:52 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
the difference between and abuser and an alcoholic is time and volume.
I think without my wife and kids i'd be latter in no time...
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:55 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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This site has been a godsend! I'm feeling more positive now than i was and hopeful even that i can sort this out...just hope i can transmit some of this positivity to my suffering wife who is really low and broken at this point...(to my shame)
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:57 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Micky...Glad you are here.
I have been down your path and it only gets worse. The broken promises take their toll. Trust me I know....i didn't understand why my wife, kids or anyone wouldn't believe me when I said this was it....well...they had historical data that proved otherwise.
I found that words are just words....I had to walk the walk and slowly the trust started coming back.
It was about my late thirtys when the issues started to raise their ugly head...I am now in my late 40's and sobriety has made all the difference in the world. It is worth it. One of the hardest things I had to do was admit I was an alcoholic...didnt know when the tide changed....but it did and I was no longer in control.
Make the leap....stay on here...read a lot...you will find a lot of similarities to your life and situation. I read posts daily that make me go....wth...that was me....that is why I continue to stay sober....Life is good
D
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Old 09-26-2017, 09:02 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mickyc79 View Post
I know what youre saying, i tend to agree...The only problem is it's a really close friend and we're invited all day, so theyve already paid for us to be there, and having married recently, i know how expensive it would have been for them to include us and exclude some of their other friends...also, the hotel is paid for and has a no refund policy.

I'm splitting hairs here arent I, surely letting down some friends and waving goodbye to a couple of hundred bucks for a hotel room is small change to what i could have with my wife instead.

Another thing is , both our families know we have this wedding coming up, her mum is watching the kids for us...they will want to see pics of us all dressed up. She'd rather her family didnt know about our problems as he mum was an alcoholic (albeit 12 years clean now) and doesnt want them worrying about her...especially her dad who will probably beat the crap out of me if he knows how i've treated his daughter recently.
The most important thing I learned in early recovery was to say 'No' and be okay with it. Pleasing other people should not be your focus at this point. Your wife is in emotional pain and needs your support and you need to focus on recovery. Those are the important things right now.

Early recovery is HARD because it involves making a lot of tough decisions.
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Old 09-26-2017, 09:20 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hi and welcome, I'm still new here but I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I quit drinking in the past because every time I drank I'd get blind drunk and abusive to... well... anyone near me. I've ended up destroying relationships, friendships and suffering the occasional kicking because of it. I started drinking again because I thought I could control it. And I did for a while.

Recently, however, it's become clear that I can't control my drinking. I'v not been as openly aggressive as I was about 12 years ago but my life has suffered in some big ways and, frankly, I'm lucky it's not worse.

When I get drunk; I do things that are downright dangerous at worst and unpleasant at best. For me I don't care if I'm an alcoholic or alcohol abuser. They key word is alcohol. It needs to go and I have a lot less to loose than you (so thank you for sharing). You clearly know this though and have taken the first step which is a great move, now you just need to keep stepping Look forwards and not behind, if you're wife is still around then there's still hope to repair things and for you both to be happy.

Don't worry about labels and trust yourself. You've identified it's a problem. Regardless of the label; you need to remove the problem. No one here will judge you and will only offer support.
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Old 09-26-2017, 09:33 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bluemilk View Post
Hi and welcome, I'm still new here but I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I quit drinking in the past because every time I drank I'd get blind drunk and abusive to... well... anyone near me. I've ended up destroying relationships, friendships and suffering the occasional kicking because of it. I started drinking again because I thought I could control it. And I did for a while.

Recently, however, it's become clear that I can't control my drinking. I'v not been as openly aggressive as I was about 12 years ago but my life has suffered in some big ways and, frankly, I'm lucky it's not worse.

When I get drunk; I do things that are downright dangerous at worst and unpleasant at best. For me I don't care if I'm an alcoholic or alcohol abuser. They key word is alcohol. It needs to go and I have a lot less to loose than you (so thank you for sharing). You clearly know this though and have taken the first step which is a great move, now you just need to keep stepping Look forwards and not behind, if you're wife is still around then there's still hope to repair things and for you both to be happy.

Don't worry about labels and trust yourself. You've identified it's a problem. Regardless of the label; you need to remove the problem. No one here will judge you and will only offer support.
Thanks for the support, and i do feel kind of dumb now trying to label or catagorize this. As you've rightly said, alcohol is the problem (and my relationship with it) and removing this will help everything immensley i believe.

Im incredibly lucky to still have my wife and kids and wouldnt blame her if she had left by the time i get home, but can only hope she is still there and that we can work this out. By God i'm going to fight for her, and for us. She deserves to be happy and with a guy who can treat her like she deserves, and i know i can be that guy.
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Old 09-26-2017, 09:37 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Hello!

I was just like you! Never woke up and drank, I was a weekend warrior.

Do a search about a "plan" and AVRT. Becoming familiar with this concepts has made a huge difference.

I am glad that you found us and I hope to see you around.
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Old 09-26-2017, 09:47 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mickyc79 View Post
Thanks for the support, and i do feel kind of dumb now trying to label or catagorize this. As you've rightly said, alcohol is the problem (and my relationship with it) and removing this will help everything immensley i believe.

Im incredibly lucky to still have my wife and kids and wouldnt blame her if she had left by the time i get home, but can only hope she is still there and that we can work this out. By God i'm going to fight for her, and for us. She deserves to be happy and with a guy who can treat her like she deserves, and i know i can be that guy.
That's the spirit! But don't feel dumb about the labels. In all honesty I kept rationalizing to myself for a long time that I'm not an "alcoholic" and I just needed to get control. It's actually pretty normal from what I can see!
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Old 09-26-2017, 11:31 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mickyc79 View Post
I know what youre saying, i tend to agree...The only problem is it's a really close friend and we're invited all day, so theyve already paid for us to be there, and having married recently, i know how expensive it would have been for them to include us and exclude some of their other friends...also, the hotel is paid for and has a no refund policy.

I'm splitting hairs here arent I, surely letting down some friends and waving goodbye to a couple of hundred bucks for a hotel room is small change to what i could have with my wife instead.

Another thing is , both our families know we have this wedding coming up, her mum is watching the kids for us...they will want to see pics of us all dressed up. She'd rather her family didnt know about our problems as he mum was an alcoholic (albeit 12 years clean now) and doesnt want them worrying about her...especially her dad who will probably beat the crap out of me if he knows how i've treated his daughter recently.
what is more important? Letting your friend down who will probably forget you're not there after a while? Or letting your wife down, going to the wedding, drinking, getting drunk, getting abusive. Weddings are places where encounters notoriously take place and many couples split up. Can this be the final straw? Do you seriously think you will go to the wedding and NOT drink? your wife would be right to not believe your promises of quitting.

Or put your wife first. She has said she doens't want to go to the wedding. Listen to her, say you're not going either, you're putting her first, not drinking and staying home and having a nice weekend together.

Tell your friend you'ev got gastroentiritis or something tomorrow.

It really is ok to say no to people. put your wife first for once.
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Old 09-26-2017, 03:41 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mickyc79 View Post
Thanks for the replies...I agree that a label doesnt matter. I guess in a way im still in denial as although ive admitted and identified i have a problem with alcohol, i cant quite square with the fact that im an alcoholic? If that makes sense?

Sorry to hear that you lost your relationship...I hope that by getting help i can hold onto her as she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a very active dad and my wife works very early mornings at weekends, so i have no choice but to get up early!

My problem is when on occasion, and its not every weekend, i drink waaaay too much and become mean, never physically so, but sometimes our words can hurt more than any fist. I can see in her eyes that ive broken her heart and her spirit.

My most recent outburst was sunday night, i was off work yesterday, but was too hungover and my wife, so fed up with my excuses and broken promises, that we never really spoke on monday.
I came to work today and she sent me a long message about how my putdowns and drinking has made her feel, how she has lost all confidence in herself. I had to make excuses and leave work, for which i know i will have to face the consequences of, and go home to speak to her. I admitted to her that i have aproblem and i will not drink again if thats what it takes. Every argument we have ever had has been related to this, besides this we are a perfect couple, in our own way.

She suffers with depression, but been fine for a while, but im afraid what i've been doing will send her back into the fog...been there myself also a couple of years ago, not surprisingly after a drunken night out when i blacked out and didnt make it home until 5am, when she was due to go to work at 6am. She had to call in sick to look after the kids as i was in no fit state. I was so guilty and depressed i went to the GP who prescribed me citalopram and i stayed off drink for about 6 months.

She wont listen to my promises as i have broken them too many times and lost her trust. What can i do to make her believe me this time?...i really could go for the rest of my life without alcohol if it meant keeping her.

Sounds like you've already found the root of your problem "Alcohol"
The good news is, you haven't lost everything "yet" and you can make the decision and accept that alcohol is causing some pretty significant problems in your life and that there is help available to you.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by mickyc79 View Post
.....,

Sometimes when i drink (at weekends), i cant stop at a few beers,.... I always wake up feeling regret and shame.

......i feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Its got the point now where my apologies and promises dont mean a thing to her anymore and fear i could lose her.

This is the last thing i want and i think i need help...
Alcohol is causing you problems. I had the same problems. I quit drinking all together just over a year ago and those feelings of shame, regret, fear, disappointment of loved ones, and broken promises are GONE. It does not matter the label, if alcohol is causing you problems, the best thing I can tell you is to quit drinking altogether. I know it is a scary thought, but I sure feel great, better than I have in years. You can feel better too.
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Old 09-26-2017, 06:00 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Great advice here mickyc79

No matter what the label, I think your life could only be enhanced by no more drinking

Good to have you join us.

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Old 09-27-2017, 01:48 AM
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Went home from work yesterday and thankfully my wife was still there! She seems to be quite forgiving and even gave me a hug and told me that she loves me. I'm so lucky to have her, but lay in bed all night awake ashamed of what i had done to this woman.

Although forgiving, she seems more resigned to her fate of the wife of an alcoholic, rather than the positivity that i feel about going forward. Hopefully she will feel this in time and i can repair the damage i have done.

She really does seem like a broken woman and i know that it my fault and cant take back what ive done or said. I had to go downstairs in the middle of the night to save waking her as i was crying uncontrollably with regret about how ive treated her.

On Saturday, we had a great day out shopping...I bought her a new dress, shoes, hand bag and jewellery to go to this wedding. I could see in her face she was excited about putting it all on and looking a million bucks. She was so looking forward to us going out together, a rarity in itself, but to get dressed up too.

On Sunday, when i got really drunk and mean i told her she didnt deserve all the things i bought her and i was taking them all back...such a horrible thing to say...she deserves it alright, and a lot more besides for putting up with me for so long.

Im blessed that shes still here, and im hopeful thats because 90% of our time we are happy and have a great life, its just that other 10% where im drunk and nasty that ruins things. Now ive accepted and admitted my problem, instead of denying and deflecting, hopefully she can heal and we can get through this together.

Thanks for all your support. If anyone else is reading this and relating to my behaviour and hasnt yet admitted you have a problem, then please do and fix things before its too late.
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