Worried about my husband's habits
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Worried about my husband's habits
Hi, this is my first post here, I am not sure where to post. I am a non drug user(I do smoke and drink alcohol) concerned about my husband's occasional cocaine use. I am asking advice here but if I'm supposed to post somewhere else please let me know.
We have been together for 15 months and married for 3, no children. Im 33 and he is 38.I know he used to take drugs in a regular basis about 15 years ago for a couple of years and quit. That didn't bother me as it is in the past. What is worrying me is that only yesterday, while we were hanging out with a friend and just chatting, he said he took cocaine once 3 years ago when he was hanging out with friends because they had it and he felt like it and that he sees no problem and he would do it again if he wants. I told him I don't feel good about it, he accused me of being controlling and said "it doesn't mean I am going to do, I just want the freedom to decide to do whatever I want on my own."
Him and our friend said that it was the same as how I drink alcohol, that there is no need to care if it's only sometimes. But I have a whole different image on drugs, I know alcohol can destroy someone's and their family's lives as well if it is out of control, but I know I can live normally without it and cigarettes. And this friend doesn't even smoke, she drinks once in a blue moon so if she tried drugs once I wouldn't see any problem. But my husband is currently addicted to cigarettes and does drink almost everyday, plus he used to take drugs often. My point is, I think my husband gets easily addicted. Right now I don't worry so much about the drinking and smoking as the amount doesn't really affect in anything. But drugs I don't see it that way. I feel it can be more destructive and I just have a negative image of people who take drugs. I told him since the beginning that I had personal traumas about addictions, my father's gambling addiction ruined our lives. He was also a smoker and "casual" drinker, he would also get easily addicted. And I don't want to go through this hell me and my mom went again.
We did just get married though and I do think he is a wonderful person, other than our little issues that are mostly because we moved forward to fast I think we are a good couple. But this drug thing really concerns me. Am I overreacting? Is it really ok he did only this one time 3 years ago and in the future he just really wants the freedom to decide and that it doesn't mean he will actually do it, especially since I feel he loves me and he knows I'm against it? I also don't really understand why he didn't tell me about this one time cocaine sooner... I know he doesn't see it as a big deal at all, but we have talked about drugs so many times and he knew I feel strongly against it since the beginning, was he hiding it or really just didn't think about telling me? He also explained that he knows he is not addicted to drugs because it was just this one time he felt like it, he would never buy it, he doesn't think about drugs and he has no problem saying no.
Please, any help is appreciated. I know giving ultimatums is not the solution, but I just don't know where to go from here and don't want to get myself wrapped up any further in this relationship (like having children) if it's never going to work. Thanks in advance!
We have been together for 15 months and married for 3, no children. Im 33 and he is 38.I know he used to take drugs in a regular basis about 15 years ago for a couple of years and quit. That didn't bother me as it is in the past. What is worrying me is that only yesterday, while we were hanging out with a friend and just chatting, he said he took cocaine once 3 years ago when he was hanging out with friends because they had it and he felt like it and that he sees no problem and he would do it again if he wants. I told him I don't feel good about it, he accused me of being controlling and said "it doesn't mean I am going to do, I just want the freedom to decide to do whatever I want on my own."
Him and our friend said that it was the same as how I drink alcohol, that there is no need to care if it's only sometimes. But I have a whole different image on drugs, I know alcohol can destroy someone's and their family's lives as well if it is out of control, but I know I can live normally without it and cigarettes. And this friend doesn't even smoke, she drinks once in a blue moon so if she tried drugs once I wouldn't see any problem. But my husband is currently addicted to cigarettes and does drink almost everyday, plus he used to take drugs often. My point is, I think my husband gets easily addicted. Right now I don't worry so much about the drinking and smoking as the amount doesn't really affect in anything. But drugs I don't see it that way. I feel it can be more destructive and I just have a negative image of people who take drugs. I told him since the beginning that I had personal traumas about addictions, my father's gambling addiction ruined our lives. He was also a smoker and "casual" drinker, he would also get easily addicted. And I don't want to go through this hell me and my mom went again.
We did just get married though and I do think he is a wonderful person, other than our little issues that are mostly because we moved forward to fast I think we are a good couple. But this drug thing really concerns me. Am I overreacting? Is it really ok he did only this one time 3 years ago and in the future he just really wants the freedom to decide and that it doesn't mean he will actually do it, especially since I feel he loves me and he knows I'm against it? I also don't really understand why he didn't tell me about this one time cocaine sooner... I know he doesn't see it as a big deal at all, but we have talked about drugs so many times and he knew I feel strongly against it since the beginning, was he hiding it or really just didn't think about telling me? He also explained that he knows he is not addicted to drugs because it was just this one time he felt like it, he would never buy it, he doesn't think about drugs and he has no problem saying no.
Please, any help is appreciated. I know giving ultimatums is not the solution, but I just don't know where to go from here and don't want to get myself wrapped up any further in this relationship (like having children) if it's never going to work. Thanks in advance!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
I'm tempted to zoom in on what you said about what 'you and your mom went through' - perhaps you are worrying without cause, but I'm sure someone that knows more than me, will be along soon 
Welcome to SR, by the way
Welcome to SR, by the way
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Tais 
But my husband is currently addicted to cigarettes and does drink almost everyday, plus he used to take drugs often.
I now view alcohol as a drug, same as the ones I thought I had quit. I now know that recovery, for me, means "clean and sober."
You don't seem concerned about your husband's drinking, so perhaps his daily drinking is not a problem. And his use three years ago hasn't turned into abuse. But I'm not going to say you are over reacting. You're concerned, you've expressed that concern, and your husband's response did not alleviate that concern. So to wonder if your husband is leaving the door open for future use is understandable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome!
Alcohol is a drug, and I would be at least as concerned about the alcohol, if not more concerned. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will always worsen unless and until you stop drinking.
If you are concerned, then it's a problem, whether or not it's a problem in your husband's mind. It sounds like you've told him your feelings on the issue. He has said "I just want the freedom to decide to do whatever I want on my own." I think you need to decide if that works for you or not.
Alcohol is a drug, and I would be at least as concerned about the alcohol, if not more concerned. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will always worsen unless and until you stop drinking.
If you are concerned, then it's a problem, whether or not it's a problem in your husband's mind. It sounds like you've told him your feelings on the issue. He has said "I just want the freedom to decide to do whatever I want on my own." I think you need to decide if that works for you or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: California
Posts: 339
First of all thanks for sharing. I can see why you are concerned for your husband. If he had a problem with cocaine before, there's a chance he could take up that habit once again. I'd monitor and be very observant and if you see it getting worse i'd recommend getting him some help. For him to say you're controlling is an addicts best phrase. He basically is indirectly saying the next time he does it don't bring it up. That's not going to work out. Just be honest with yourself and be honest with him when need be so this issue doesn't get out of order. Much love hun
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Tais
But my husband is currently addicted to cigarettes and does drink almost everyday, plus he used to take drugs often. My point is, I think my husband gets easily addicted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 40
Not everyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic, and not everyone who drinks will "worsen", as Anna claims.
If he only did cocaine once, I wouldn't worry. He had no duty to even tell you about it. Trying a drug one time is not a habit, abuse, or addiction.
But what I took away from your post was a bit more concerning. I feel some things are being left out. You mentioned that you drink and smoke, he drinks and smokes, your parents had drug problems and there was mention of casinos and worry. He did cocaine and would gladly add additional uses to his resume.
This is a recipe for disaster. My instinct is that you sugar-coated your post. You're worried... but what you posted only hinted at why you would be.
I worked in Vegas for many years. Let me tell you that I've seen some crazy things and it's not just 1 or 2 people but the lot of the gamblers are usually smokers, drinkers, drug users, compulsive gamblers, and more. And the addictions go hand in hand... they will fist a cig, fist a bottle, take a bathroom break to do a line, then come back to the slot machine and manage to pull the handle with one of the hands that also holds the cig or the beer... it's magic to watch, but detrimental when you consider what it's doing to their bodies and finances.
Comorbid addictions are terrible. But the good news is that if you take away one of them, the user usually has no interest in doing any of the others. I guess it's finding that trigger. I've had gamblers that refused to play because they ran out of smokes. And they wouldn't drink either, because smoking and drinking go hand in hand. They were miserable, but it donned on me that maybe just starting with one addiction would lead to a complete turnaround in those people.
Anyway, your thinking that someone who did cocaine once is worse than someone who drinks and smokes regularly is typical of the American psyche. And it's wrong. Heroin addicts routinely chastise meth heads and so on. It's weird. Abuse is abuse. Drugs are drugs. Nicotine is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Aspirin is a drug. Anti-depressants are drugs. If you abuse them, you are a druggie. I do not take any prescriptions or OTC medications. I do not pollute my body. Going down that road is comical in that you would start with legal, accepted things, and then spiral towards the class 1 drugs, and judge each based on how society views their damages. It's just a path of despair if you ask me.
If he only did cocaine once, I wouldn't worry. He had no duty to even tell you about it. Trying a drug one time is not a habit, abuse, or addiction.
But what I took away from your post was a bit more concerning. I feel some things are being left out. You mentioned that you drink and smoke, he drinks and smokes, your parents had drug problems and there was mention of casinos and worry. He did cocaine and would gladly add additional uses to his resume.
This is a recipe for disaster. My instinct is that you sugar-coated your post. You're worried... but what you posted only hinted at why you would be.
I worked in Vegas for many years. Let me tell you that I've seen some crazy things and it's not just 1 or 2 people but the lot of the gamblers are usually smokers, drinkers, drug users, compulsive gamblers, and more. And the addictions go hand in hand... they will fist a cig, fist a bottle, take a bathroom break to do a line, then come back to the slot machine and manage to pull the handle with one of the hands that also holds the cig or the beer... it's magic to watch, but detrimental when you consider what it's doing to their bodies and finances.
Comorbid addictions are terrible. But the good news is that if you take away one of them, the user usually has no interest in doing any of the others. I guess it's finding that trigger. I've had gamblers that refused to play because they ran out of smokes. And they wouldn't drink either, because smoking and drinking go hand in hand. They were miserable, but it donned on me that maybe just starting with one addiction would lead to a complete turnaround in those people.
Anyway, your thinking that someone who did cocaine once is worse than someone who drinks and smokes regularly is typical of the American psyche. And it's wrong. Heroin addicts routinely chastise meth heads and so on. It's weird. Abuse is abuse. Drugs are drugs. Nicotine is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Aspirin is a drug. Anti-depressants are drugs. If you abuse them, you are a druggie. I do not take any prescriptions or OTC medications. I do not pollute my body. Going down that road is comical in that you would start with legal, accepted things, and then spiral towards the class 1 drugs, and judge each based on how society views their damages. It's just a path of despair if you ask me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your kind advices, they were very helpful. Since I posted here I tried to talk to him a couple times but he keeps saying the same, that he probably won't do it again but he won't say he will never do it again because if he ever does it he doesn't want me nagging... I don't know if he really meant it or if he was just pissed off I was insisting on the subject.. He said he knows himself and that one line of cocaine once in a blue moon it's no big deal, but I can't understand why even use it, it should be simple, just don't use it. We got into a huge argument, I said I deserve to know if there is really a possibility of him using, that he is my husband and this affects both of us and he said he doesn't owe me anything, that I should trust he would never do anything to hurt me but if I have doubts I should leave... How can I not have doubts when he says "he thinks" he won't use it again?? I'm completely lost, I don't know if it's me but it's impossible to communicate with him. Am I overreacting? If I leave him will I regret not trusting him? But is he really giving me reasons to trust him?
And I know cigarettes and alcohol are bad, but if I can't even get him to quit cocaine, how can I convince him to quit smoking... And with all the stress this relationship has been I can't set my mind to quit now...
And I know cigarettes and alcohol are bad, but if I can't even get him to quit cocaine, how can I convince him to quit smoking... And with all the stress this relationship has been I can't set my mind to quit now...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well he sounds pretty committed to doing it again, and is willing to tell you to leave in order to do so. Sounds like more than "a line." (of coke) No way to know, of course.
I guess your choices are live with it or leave, really. You can't foresee the future, he says he'll do it again - and who knows whether it will lead to more problems. Some people can do it now and then and not get addicted - but, you can't possibly know who or when that would be. You also can't tell if someone does it on occasion.
You can't convince him to do anything. All you can control is you and your reactions to him.
I guess your choices are live with it or leave, really. You can't foresee the future, he says he'll do it again - and who knows whether it will lead to more problems. Some people can do it now and then and not get addicted - but, you can't possibly know who or when that would be. You also can't tell if someone does it on occasion.
You can't convince him to do anything. All you can control is you and your reactions to him.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I could not stay with a husband who said he owed me nothing. what about the vows he took to love cherish and care for you? If he isn't bothered about how this is playing on your mind and suggests you leave then I would seriously re-think whether you can spend the rest of your life with a man who clearly doesn't love respect or care for you ENOUGH.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
