Bluemilk

Hi all, I've come to the realisation I simply cannot control my drinking anymore. I guess it's still open for debate if I ever could but it's become obvious to me I just can't be a social or moderate drinker.

I've always tried to be a good human being but the world seems full of terrible people and my drinking has left me very vulnerable at times. My life has suffered a lot, not due to drinking, but it certainly hasn't helped.

I went for a pint on Friday and ended up drinking until 8am on Saturday morning on my own. It's not even fun these days, just a waste of... well... everything. I've broken my 48 hour cycle of getting smashed, recovering then getting smashed again for the first time in over a year tonight and can't sleep. I WANT to drink on such a primal level but every part of my conscious mind screams at me to break the hold and build a better life. So here's to step 1! Onwards and upwards instead of dwelling and repeating...

Hevyn

Welcome, Bluemilk - we're so glad you joined us. You now have a place to talk over what you're going through. You're never alone.

I wonder too if I ever had any control. I would be determined to have just a few drinks & stop. It never happened that way. Once the first one was in my system, all bets were off. I often put myself in danger. It was a relief to finally end the nightmare and get free. You can do it.

babyedwards

Step 1! Heck ya. You got this

Bluemilk

Thanks! Yeah, that's my big issue really. I somehow convince myself I'll just have a beer or two and before I know it I'm stocking up on booze as the shops close. Every time. My tolerance to hangovers is really the only thing that's stopped life going down the pan if I'm honest.

Still; I'm determined to not do this again. It's going to be tough but... so is being drunk for a big chunk of my time in other ways. Just got to find my escape in something constructive again.

It's nice to see other people being open about things too. The anonymity of the internet makes being honest about things a little less scary.

Dee74

Welcome to SR

D

LovePeaceSushi

Every journey begins with the first step. Good luck - - it's the best thing you can do for yourself!

Bluemilk

Thank you all for the welcome and support. Today is day 1 of the new start. I'm having difficulty concerntraring at work but no more so than if I was hungover in all honesty. Hopefully coffee will help this pass

DarklingSong

Welcome BlueMilk.....hope you got through the day.
Support to you.

Hevyn

The first few days are a challenge, but you're determined. It'll get much easier as you get some sober time behind you, Blue.

Bluemilk

Thanks again folks. Today is day 3 and the cravings have started earlier than expected. I'm not even finished work yet and can't stop thinking about a cold pint at the pub.

I'm not going to break and go to the cantina for some Correllian Nectar, I'm going to go home for some bluemilk and deathsticks. Sorry for the Star Wars references, just helps me find some humour in it all

AshleyB

You got this we are here for you always!

Bluemilk

So, today is day 4. I feel tired and I'm having trouble concentrating but not really any more than if I was hungover. I do, however, feel a bit anxious which is not like me at all. Maybe it is it's just been hidden by the drink for so long, I don't know yet. I guess I'll see if that passes or continues.

Yesterday was an awkward day for me. My cousin sent me a photo of our Grandfather who passed away 16 years ago. Something clicked in my mind. This was when the alcohol really became a problem in my life the first time. I basically watched him die in hospital and my girlfriend of 2 years (at the time) didn't come to the funeral; she went and slept with one of my "friends". That was when I really hit the sauce for the first time in my life; I felt crushed and alone. All my friends just said "get over it", which whilst true, wasn't helpful at the time. It just served to make me feel more isolated and weak. I realized I'd been running from things for such a long time and after I got over nearly breaking down in my office; I had strong cravings all day.

I beat it though. I went home, went for a walk, bought some herbal sleeping tablets and had a cup of detox herbal tea. I let my geckos out for a play and got an early night. I don't want to use the sleeping tablets again; I just wanted something to help me drift off as it was an emotional day for me and I have a LOT to get done at work for deadlines this week. Once my concentration returns I'm looking forwards to picking up my paint brushes again to help me unwind in the evenings.

I don't doubt I'll have more days like this but beating that first one so soon has made me feel good about myself. It's a feeling I like and I want to keep walking this path. I want to leave the feelings of shame, regret, weakness and guilt behind. I don't want to lie to anyone about why I didn't make it work ever again. I'm doing this.

Also; thanks for the support all. I've just discovered there's a thanks button on the desktop version of this site, only been using it on my phone until now.

August252015

Glad you are here and great job on day 4.

It sounds like a perfect time to get external support IRL too - my path is AA and it has set me free to live an unimaginably great life.

Best to you.

Hevyn

Bluemilk - love the Star Wars references.

You got over a big hurdle yesterday. We grow stronger each time this happens. I know what you mean about not lying anymore - and all the other garbage that goes with our addiction. It's never going to be worth it. You are reclaiming your life - be patient with yourself as you heal.

Bluemilk

I've made it to a week since I decided to stop drinking. It's been a long week and tough week but I've made the first milestone. I've had very little sleep, vivid dreams when I have slept, stomach pains, shakes, anxiety and anreally busy week at work. My concern was what I was going to do when the weekend hit but, unlike last weekend which I wrote off on my final booze binge, I've actually been productive and got a lot of useful stuff done and last night was my first good nights sleep (actual sleep not passing out drunk) in... a year maybe?

I've had so many cravings and I think it's going to be a constant battle to keep going with this but I don't want to ever end up out of control again. There's been a few sunny evening this week and every time I've driven past a pub; I've thought how nice it'd be to sit in the garden with a pint or two. The thing is; I know it'll be nice for the first beer then I'll get wasted and do something stupid or just ruin my stomach some more.

I'm glad I made this decision and glad I've been mindful enough to fight the compulsion and craving but it has been exhausting. Still, it's Sunday and I'm having a lazy evening to help catch up on the rest I've deprived myself of for so long. Here's to a week sober, longer than I've been sober in years, and then another week! Hopefully the anxiety dying down and being able to sleep again is a sign things will be easier this next week.

ReadyAtLast

Congrats on your week Bluemilk

ChloeRose63

Congrats on 1 week. Keep it going it gets easier and you will get stronger. Do not drink! You can do this!

Craig1111

Blue milk they a guided meditation with earphones in in a night-time with iPod it certainly helps

Anna

Good job getting through your first week. It is tiring and very hard work, but as you are finding, it's well worth it. Each day will be better.

Dee74

Congrats on your week bluemilk

This is not the best it's going to get...I think you'll be amazed at how you feel after a month or three months

D