delabarreda74

October 23, 2004



Dear Al-anon, Family & Friends,



I realized today that my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol. I realized today that if I let go and let god, I will find peace, hope and serenity in my life. I realized today that I deserve to live a life full of integrity, honor and courage.

I realize today, that I am, free…..

October 1, 2004, my thirtieth birthday. I removed my husband from my home, my sacred space. He had come home at 4:30am, intoxicated, the day of my birthday. At that moment, I realized that this disease shows no respect and honor towards the closest members of his life, I his wife, and his surrounding friends and family. I realize that this is a disease of the brain and nervous system, and I am powerless against it. I also released the illusions, that if “he loved me, us.” He would change.

I realized that I cannot control the outcome of his destiny, and by enabling him, by lying to my family, myself and others, paying our bills/rent/food, and supporting him emotionally, physically and spiritually. That he was living vicariously through my visions that “Everything is alright” that if I love him enough, I can hide this ugly thing,
I can hide, Mr. Hyde.


I decided I will no longer stain his pillow with my tears. And removed him from my home. To bring you up to speed, on August 15, 2004 during a day of “Pattern” my husband returned home at 6am. I had locked him out of our home. With his anger, he told me he would just take the car and leave, I knew he would eventually, hurt someone, if I was to let him leave, not only others, himself, but me….So I ran to the garage in my nightgown and bare feet, and he was pulling out of the dark in light speed, I opened the passenger door, and tried to remove the keys from the ignition, he…stepped on the gas and sped up, which in return caused the door to swing back hitting the garage door and snapping shut breaking my arm in three places, as well as the tire running over my foot and spraining two toes.

In this rage, I didn’t realize I was hurt. This was the worst it has ever been. He snuck into the house, while I was still outside, and when I confronted him, he laughed at me, gave me the finger and passed out naked on “Our” bed. I then packed my things, grabbed all the keys to our home and car, and drove myself to my grandfathers, as I was driving I realized that I could not feel my arm, so I drove to the hospital in Kirkland. Indeed, my arm was broken. I again, Lied to the Dr. I was ashamed, and hid my tears behind my pathetic lies of how I fell pouring plaster, because I am a sculptor. He said to me, “That’s interesting Mrs. De la Barreda, because your arm is broken from an impact from the side, not falling down and catching your weight.” I said, “That is what happened.” I was humiliated. The staff of young nurses, aids and Dr.’s looked at each other with that look, I know you know what I mean, The “oh poor woman.” Look. Or maybe by that time, it was just paranoia. I was away for three days, and no phone call, he never calls when I leave, he sits at home in the darkness, waiting for me to return, I would always return.
My sister finally called him, and told him my arm was broken as well as my toes. He didn’t say anything. I decided to finally go home, when my husband saw me, he ran to the toilet and vomited. I am unsure if it was the alcohol, marijuana, or pure fear, that he indeed has hurt me, and was taking responsibility for his emotions, I cannot tell.

He said he would stop drinking. That lasted a week. This leads us to today. Close friends, members of his band and friends from Eugene, OR. As well as friends involved with the AA program and Al-anon here in Seattle, were planning an Intervention on November 7, 2004. I took many risks, writing a letter to his younger brother was one of them. I wanted him to know, the truth. Finally I receive a phone call from his brother, he told me he was unsure of what to do, that he himself was an alcoholic, as well as their mother, and father. He was, afraid. He didn’t know how to confront his older brother, his hero, the rock star.

Well, after time, he decided to come and join us in Seattle for the intervention. Yesterday, feeling weak, and without power, I called the place where my husband was living, at this time I haven’t heard from my husband in 22 days. I told his housemate to have my husband call me so we can sign the annulment papers in person. Well, to my shock and horror, my husband responded in anger and said he knew of the Intervention on the 7th and that his brother had told him everything. He said he has a restraining order against me and that his “Enabling roommates” users of alcohol/drugs/etc. were told not to let me near the house or he’d have me arrested. He said mail the papers to him, he sign them and be free of me. I realized, wow..This must be an Intervention, because the truth is out now, I loved him enough to try. I still love him, but set him free. I guess, it was an Intervention, because now he knows we all know….

I was shocked. I thought, what happened? How did this back fire? What the hell?

I was silent. I hung up the phone. And realized my husband is insane, and that I am powerless over alcohol and this disease. I was upset that his brother told him. But then again, I forgot about my education, and then realized, well, he is also an alcoholic. And let it go. I removed the negative drug talk and anger from my mind, took a deep breath and smiled. I have decided to breathe for me, not for two or for others, to find my spirit, my way, and my pathway to my heart….to indeed, find joy and my “Smile.”

So here I am. Not knowing what to do, or where to go from hear. One thing I can say is thank you to Al-anon, my family and friends. And that I am free from arguing with insanity. One day at a time, let go and let god…..and so it is….This is my story.

May you be filled with loving kindness
May you be well
May you be filled with peacefulness and ease
May you be happy

Vaya con dios my love……

Teresa E. de la Barreda
Seattle, WA

lulu70

Wow, Teresa. Thank you for sharing that story. I am a recovering alcoholic, and it means a lot to me to hear about the pain and hurt I was causing the ones that I love. I am glad I don't have to do that anymore.

Thank you again--

Aestas

So very sad, but as said bove it brings home the dmage we can do to loved ones.

Good Luck for the future.

xx

OVERIT

((((((((Teresa)))))))))))))

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for your pain, for I can feel it in your post. Sad to say, I am the alcoholic in my family. I have a wonderful husband and two precious children. I would not hurt them on purpose for anything in this world. But, when I was drinking, drinking was really all that mattered, although, I held my job, cooked dinner, cleaned house, etc.......

But ultimately, if I had ever HAD to choose, I am sure that my beer would have won.

I don't know what else to say, except that I will keep you in my prayers.

Love,

Ang

Little Missy

(((Teresa))) Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm the alcoholic in my family. It is so sad what this disease does to us. Thank you for reminding me of the pain I caused others.

You are in my prayers,
Missy