Currently drunk and ashamed.
 

Hey there soberfriends

I have something I need to admit to you all, and that's that I drank tonight, a lot.

I am currently about 15 cans of lights beer down (because in my idiot alcoholic mind, if it's light beer, that's like being normal!).

Urgh.

I don't have any excuses, there is no excuse and this is not an attempt to make people feel sorry for me. I messed up, I messed up bad.

What drove me to the edge today was my friend who was very sick dying sooner than we might have expected, a lot, lot sooner, in fact.

Like I said, I don't view anything as justification, this is just me... explaining how I got to this point.

The misery of the entire situation has been f*****g brutal, the sheer agony that we witnessed to someone helpless and of no fault of their own, even with modern medicine, has changed the way I will look at the world forever and not positively.

So, what did I do? I drank. I picked up four at first, thinking it was reasonable to drink on such an occasion, then more and more. None of them made me happy, they barely relieved the pain at all.

To be honest, I try to stay positive, but the whole world seems dark to me right now. I find it hard to see a future that is positive and I've felt that way for a while.

But I know today was a mistake.

As hard as it is to see anything being good I was getting there. I need to see tonight as a crash rather than a write off.

To be honest though I'm kind of lost, I see things as being sad and only getting sadder.

I just want to be happy, I hope by working hard I can make that happen.

Is light beer the same as a low alcohol beer? I remember having a go with Leopard Lager 1 or 2%.

I thought at the time that one thing about drinking I liked was the feeling of being full, as opposed to drunk. I knocked off 24 cans and was about set to burst. I was real disappointed, there was not enough alcohol in the mix to give me what I was really looking for, the sense of ease and comfort that I always got with the first few. I went back to stronger beers and when that stopped working, undiluted spirits took over.

I once had this great idea to turn to 0% beer. Because I was in "recovery"

That sure didn't last long. It was like a massive tease until I went out and bout 5 liters of 5.4% mixed with some wine left overs. Then next morning, I was throwing up something that really burnt.

I don't think i ever felt that bad before.

andagain, be positive, the shame subsides when you have a few sober days under your belt. You then start to feel Pride and your self esteem starts to go up within a few days.

All you have to do is stop drinking, and be patient.

If it helps, think about this - "once your at the bottom, the only way is up" and your body does this automatically by sleeping, and getting you sober.

All the best.

Hi Andagain

I think you should take the energy you're using to beat yourself up with and use it to dump anything that's left of the booze, drink some water, hit the sack and start fresh tomorrow

I lost a good mate to cancer a few years back - he was fit healthy never did anything immoderately, left behind a wife of about a year.

I was brutal on my AV. Had to be.

When my AV suggested I needed to drink to cope with this I reminded it that I was not dealing with anything 1/100 the pain and agony my friend and his wife were.

They weren 't drinking - I'm sure it never even occurred to them to do that. They wanted to savour every moment together they could.

I'm glad I stayed sober because it allowed me to do the same.

That was my takeway from that and it changed my life, in a good way.

The AV loves it when it gets a legit excuse - but there really are no legit excuses for people like us - and even of they were, this really isn't one of them, andagain :hug:

D

There is no permission in any circumstance for me to drink again. Not my parents passing, not heart ache, not my kids behavior, not stress at work, nothing. One is too many and I can't drink normal no matter what thoughts pop into my head.

Have you written down your goals? Your reasons not to drink?
Sometimes having it displayed on paper can make it seem more official.
Take it with you. Then if you go to the liquor store, read through your goals and maybe you won't buy anything.

They are 3.5%, so not that much less.

Hey Dee, I'd finished drinking by the time I wrote that post, I poured the few beers I didn't drink away. I have no intention of drinking today. Thank you for the support.

Today I'm just going to try and get my head straight, everything is very strange right now.

Day 1 starts here.

Yeah I had a couple of months under my belt before last night, I had a plan and things in general were going well, I just need to figure things out today, deal with pain better in the future.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend but it's good that you're up and running with sobriety again.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. Shock and grief can really mess with one's head. With that in mind, never forget that you, too, suffer from a deadly illness, which only you can address. Be well...

Andagain I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It can be really tough to see clearly and choose a better coping mechanism sometimes. I did something similar to you and got wasted on the anniversary of my partners death on 29th July. I had 99 days sober at that point. I did nip it in the bud and have worked on my thinking since then and have 57 days again. It can be done. You may feel sad about your "lost" days but steadily and slowly you will get stronger. Learn from this. Alcohol never makes anything better. Take care of yourself and again I'm so sorry for what you are going through xxx

My husband texted me last night to let me know he'd drank and just how guilty he felt.

Set the "reset" button today. Go to a meeting. Call your Sponsor if you have one.

Life will always give you a reason to drink.

most lite beer doesn't really have that much less alcohol than regular beer unless it's high test beer. it's about significantly fewer calories. I think it's a misconception that many people are fooled by.

Hi Andagain, you sound extremely remorseful and are taking full responsibility for your actions, that is very commendable, but don't beat yourself up. I'm very sorry about your friend, loss of any kind is tough. You know what you need to do, so take the action necessary and get back on track. Rootin for ya man.

Thank for the support everyone =)