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Old 09-22-2017, 09:41 AM
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Friends WITHOUT benefits

Been on here few times then I disappear as life gets in the way and booze , the constant factor has no interest in seeking help. Anyway a few months down the line I have my first criminal conviction for assault , another pending and I'm back here hoping that was my rock bottom.
Told my friends I'm wanting to get sober and especially since the above events I'm committed. A few have been nice but a close pal said he was gonna ask to go to pub too. ( This isn't an invite for a few pints after work it's a weekend session to who knows where, casinos, cocaine, waking up goodness knows where with goodness knows who and skint lonely and fearful). I said thanks but no thanks. His next offer was getting pals up to his flat with beers from shop. I knocked it back.
Also cancelled a date with a girl I met online for tomorrow night as it was usual fare.. city centre, drinking . The usual .
So I thought I'd come on here and vent a little . I know my pal not meaning it but he knows me well but it hurts a little.
And I'm struggling. Its day two for me. I have something on til 8:30. Its going to be hard . Tomorrow possibly harder as I've nothing on and trying to stay outta my usual haunt(s) which revolve around booze and boozers . I know I need new friends and activities. This is tough. My teenage kids moved out couple months ago so there's no one here . I enjoy the peace but it feels hard , especially at weekends. Maybe when I get in tonight there will be a reply or two to keep me connected with people , crazy as that sounds. Hi to everyone and thanks for listening .
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Old 09-22-2017, 09:50 AM
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All else...go for a long walk without your wallet. You'll get an endorphin benefit and you'll be breaking up the patterns and their associated triggers.

You can do this!
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Old 09-22-2017, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
All else...go for a long walk without your wallet. You'll get an endorphin benefit and you'll be breaking up the patterns and their associated triggers.

You can do this!
Thanks. I am kinda prepared to do that . May even break into a slow run for a few yards
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Old 09-22-2017, 10:55 AM
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Do you have any hobbies you enjoy that don't involve drinking or are associated with drinking? Or perhaps there is something you always enjoyed doing, but now you can try doing it without drinking? Stretch your imagination and thinking and see what you can come up with?

I'm a woman, so my hobbies might be different than yours, but I've gotten back into crafty stuff and it's been really therapeutic. A relative of mine is a big quilter and every week she volunteers her time at a recovery program helping those in recovery learning how to quilt. She says they really like it and God Bless her for teaching them. This is in the Vancouver, BC area.
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Old 09-22-2017, 11:24 AM
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It does help staying busy, I live on my own and I know what you mean about the weekends- sometimes it can be too quiet.

Since becoming sober, I have had to change my whole routine . I had to get away from those people and hobbies that I associated with drinking, pick up a new lifestyle. Even small changes make a difference.
Have to say, 2 months of no booze and I prefer my life now, it is definitely better and I don't miss any of those people that I used to hang around with.
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Old 09-22-2017, 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by azure808 View Post
Been on here few times then I disappear as life gets in the way and booze , the constant factor has no interest in seeking help.
That rings a bell. Eventually I got sick of failing, and I needed a wake-up call. I used to come and go all the time, thinking a forum is not gonna save me, and Iam a fool for even thinking I have a problem.

But every time something went wrong due to alcohol, i always ended up back here.
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Old 09-22-2017, 11:59 AM
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Welcome!

I do think it's important to plan for times like weekends , evenings, when you think you might be bored. I started walking, usually a few miles a day, during my first week of recovery and I still do. I got involved in a great volunteer position that I stayed with for about 8 years until I moved away. What do you like to do? Can you meet up with your friends for coffee instead of at a bar?
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Old 09-22-2017, 02:23 PM
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I had to cut ties with some 'friends' when I got sober. I'll still speak to them occasionally,but it's on my terms not their's. The only persons actions I can control in this world are my own. I learned this through court ordered AA after my car wreck/2nd DUI. I'm not an avid AA'er,but I still attend when I need to. I use it as a form of therapy to not drink. With your court things it may be worth walking into a meeting asap.
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Old 09-22-2017, 02:26 PM
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Yep. Friends with benefits are certainly better. 😊👍
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:25 PM
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What do you reckon the problem is? That might help figure out what action you need to take. You might be a hard drinker, someone who can stop or moderate if they have a good enough reason.

You might be drinking because of a bunch of other unresolved issues. I had a good range of these which I used to rely on, from an unfortunate childhood to a temporal lobe condition caused by a minor head injury. Perhaps if such issues are resolved, alcohol will no longer be a problem.

That wasn' the case for me. I fit the AA definition of a real alcoholic. I lost the power of choice in drink. Alcoholism is a terminal progressive illness people die from everyday. There is no medical cure. The only relief that can be had is through total abstinence.

The problem with alcoholism as it has manifested in me, is that abstinence on its own is a miserable affair and unsustainable. The longer I was away from my last drink, the more miserable I got. So there was more to it than just stopping drinking. Somehow, the sober life had to be emotionally rewarding, not the miserable grind I had come to know.

That is what AA offers the alcoholic of my type. Permanent recovery in a rewarding way of life. That is the only reason I am still here. But it is not a gift, not something you can just pop along to an AA meeting and take. It takes effort and commitment, which I was only able to find because I understood the seriousness of my condition. I knew what the problem was. If your problem is the same, there is no easy way out, but there is a way out.
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:08 AM
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Thanks folks

I didn't do too well at weekend . Ended up in a local bar with said "friend"
My own fault for going , I am not blaming anyone . There was a huge fight and although I wasn't involved( I was trying to get pull my friend away) I got hit on the head by a pool cue or ball or a bottle, I still don't know. I am actually glad it happened as I am absolutely sick of the scene, those places and this pattern. So I started again on Monday and I am on day 3. I am utterly exhausted and anxious and a little bewildered but I know the withdrawal will pass.
What I will be left with I don't know. Dealing with unresolved issues, guilt , depression and lonelines; I know this will be what's in store and that's ok. Rather that than plummet into insanity and more trouble.
Sunday I asked my pal (in pub) I'm done with drinking and he said he wouldn't try and tempt me. He text after work on Monday asking to go drinking. I've had to be firm. I'll find some new friends and in time maybe reconnect with some old ones who have distanced themselves due to my self destructive behaviour past few years .
Thanks for replying folks and for the advice. I hope you are all well today.
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 View Post
Do you have any hobbies you enjoy that don't involve drinking or are associated with drinking? Or perhaps there is something you always enjoyed doing, but now you can try doing it without drinking? Stretch your imagination and thinking and see what you can come up with?

I'm a woman, so my hobbies might be different than yours, but I've gotten back into crafty stuff and it's been really therapeutic. A relative of mine is a big quilter and every week she volunteers her time at a recovery program helping those in recovery learning how to quilt. She says they really like it and God Bless her for teaching them. This is in the Vancouver, BC area.
I play soccer but seem to be injured and exhausted and I'm out of shape so maybe can play more and enjoy it again as my health increases.
I like drawing . I might learn a musical instrument. Always wanted to
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Horn95 View Post
Yep. Friends with benefits are certainly better. 😊👍
Well thats a whole other discussion
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Culture View Post
It does help staying busy, I live on my own and I know what you mean about the weekends- sometimes it can be too quiet.

Since becoming sober, I have had to change my whole routine . I had to get away from those people and hobbies that I associated with drinking, pick up a new lifestyle. Even small changes make a difference.
Have to say, 2 months of no booze and I prefer my life now, it is definitely better and I don't miss any of those people that I used to hang around with.
Glad to hear that and well done too
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Welcome!

I do think it's important to plan for times like weekends , evenings, when you think you might be bored. I started walking, usually a few miles a day, during my first week of recovery and I still do. I got involved in a great volunteer position that I stayed with for about 8 years until I moved away. What do you like to do? Can you meet up with your friends for coffee instead of at a bar?
Hi Anna that sounds great too. The friends I have won't meet for coffee . One or two would who are busy with families. I started walking a bit too . Its great
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:22 AM
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Dontremember and Gottalife I tried AA . It wasn't for me . I won't go into it. Last time I went this particular meeting had to introduce themselves etc and I didn't want to speak I was a bit of a mess. I'm not knocking it but I didn't want to do the 12 steps and I was almost ridiculed. Also found it more depressing hearing the stories and seeing the suffering people relive their woes. Its just not for me.
You are correct in suggesting underlying issues though and it's something I am going to have to look at. Thanks folks
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by azure808 View Post
Dontremember and Gottalife I tried AA . It wasn't for me . I won't go into it. Last time I went this particular meeting had to introduce themselves etc and I didn't want to speak I was a bit of a mess. I'm not knocking it but I didn't want to do the 12 steps and I was almost ridiculed. Also found it more depressing hearing the stories and seeing the suffering people relive their woes. Its just not for me.
You are correct in suggesting underlying issues though and it's something I am going to have to look at. Thanks folks
I understand and I wouldn't suggest you are the same as I was. Being a hopeless accoholic was only one possibility I mentioned. I once felt as you do, that underlying issues may be the problem, and I would encourage you to follow your conscience on that. At that time, 21 years old, AA was definitely not for me and I certainly had no intention of ever doing those steps.

I think when a lot of folk find the correct treatment for the underlying issue the drinking ceases to be a problem. I had hoped that might be the case for me but it wasn't. That's not to say it wouldn't be the case for you. Only one way to find out. Good luck.
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Old 09-27-2017, 05:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
I understand and I wouldn't suggest you are the same as I was. Being a hopeless accoholic was only one possibility I mentioned. I once felt as you do, that underlying issues may be the problem, and I would encourage you to follow your conscience on that. At that time, 21 years old, AA was definitely not for me and I certainly had no intention of ever doing those steps.

I think when a lot of folk find the correct treatment for the underlying issue the drinking ceases to be a problem. I had hoped that might be the case for me but it wasn't. That's not to say it wouldn't be the case for you. Only one way to find out. Good luck.
I guess it's a time thing, and being someone who instantly gratifies oneself with booze that's tough. There's no quick fix here so I'll plod on and find my way through the foggy mire. Maybe it will be clearer soon .
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Old 09-27-2017, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by azure808 View Post
Dontremember and Gottalife I tried AA . It wasn't for me . I won't go into it. Last time I went this particular meeting had to introduce themselves etc and I didn't want to speak I was a bit of a mess. I'm not knocking it but I didn't want to do the 12 steps and I was almost ridiculed. Also found it more depressing hearing the stories and seeing the suffering people relive their woes. Its just not for me.
You are correct in suggesting underlying issues though and it's something I am going to have to look at. Thanks folks
First, glad you are still posting.

Second, and said gently, IMO and IME you have to simply stop saying what WON'T work for you. Like Gottalife, I fit AAs description of a "real alcoholic" as the Big book says- and I finally accepted this and started what has become a completely dedicated AA program after YEARS of kicking and screaming and railing against it. For no "good" reason- I just wanted to drink. And- IME there are meetings totally different than you describe in the negative (those things happen and do turn people off) .... but working the steps with a sponsor and giving your brain a chance to clear (why AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days, or at least 30 in 30, for one reason) so you can start to see what you are doing now and what you CAN do in honest light.

Finally, I got to a point where not only I admitted the above, but quit simply (again- getting sober whatever kind of "problem drinker" is simple, but not easy) because everrrrything about drinking was ruining my life. Sounds like you have some VERY legit reasons to quit - you named them all. Friends are a big one.

I hope you DECIDE you are done. I can promise you that my life is unimaginably better and quite simply, amazing, at 19+ mo sober. Easy, problem-free, no! But now I make the (sober) choices, have a great circle of friends in and out of AA and feel proud, grateful and happy.
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Old 09-27-2017, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
First, glad you are still posting.

Second, and said gently, IMO and IME you have to simply stop saying what WON'T work for you. Like Gottalife, I fit AAs description of a "real alcoholic" as the Big book says- and I finally accepted this and started what has become a completely dedicated AA program after YEARS of kicking and screaming and railing against it. For no "good" reason- I just wanted to drink. And- IME there are meetings totally different than you describe in the negative (those things happen and do turn people off) .... but working the steps with a sponsor and giving your brain a chance to clear (why AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days, or at least 30 in 30, for one reason) so you can start to see what you are doing now and what you CAN do in honest light.

Finally, I got to a point where not only I admitted the above, but quit simply (again- getting sober whatever kind of "problem drinker" is simple, but not easy) because everrrrything about drinking was ruining my life. Sounds like you have some VERY legit reasons to quit - you named them all. Friends are a big one.

I hope you DECIDE you are done. I can promise you that my life is unimaginably better and quite simply, amazing, at 19+ mo sober. Easy, problem-free, no! But now I make the (sober) choices, have a great circle of friends in and out of AA and feel proud, grateful and happy.
Thanks for the reply . I met some nice folk there. I will find another way other than AA. Many have and many will. It wasn't just a knee jerk reaction due to emotion. I just felt uncomfortable with the programme and that won't change. When you said "kicking and screaming" its as if it was the inevitable, a destiny you couldn't get away from if you wanted to get better. And maybe for you it was. Hell, if something I felt saved my life and worked I'd recommend it too!
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