Major Trigger Day for me.
 

Posting to hold self accountable.

I DON'T want to drink. I just want to be happy again.

Today is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. We had big plans for today, to celebrate her special day. She has never had much done for her from previous significant others and I was going to spoil her today. But....lost love.....because of my drinking (my choice to drink) over putting her, and our relationship first. I wanted to balance both, justified it because she drinks, but I failed, and here I am, feeling worse then usual.

I woke up at 12:02am last night, like my self conscious KNEW it had just turned her birthday. If things were different, I would have had her next to me in my bed. I would have gently kissed her and wished her a happy birthday, and cuddled up with her. Instead I tossed and turned for hours trying to get back to bed.

I had gifts and flowers for her I was going to surprise her with when she went to work. I dropped them off at work anyways, so she will still get them, now I wish I hadn't done that. I don't know how it'll be accepted, will she throw everything away? Will she say anything to me? Ignore it all? I'm an anxious mess right now, mind racing, can't focus on anything clearly.

I made the mistake of checking her Instagram last night when I was rolling around, it's the only way I can see into her life at all these days. She posted she hopes this next year is better then the last. That was a knife twisting in my heart as I was a HUGE part of her and her daughter's last year. We had so many more good times amongst the bad, but the bad defined the year for her. :(

Thank you for all the support I've received this difficult week, today is Day 4, and I'm terrified for today, and this weekend.

Stay strong, friends, I will too.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough day. I'm glad you came to post though. Sometimes just saying things out loud (or typing them, in this case) takes away so much of their power.

Just because she feels the last year was difficult doesn't mean she doesn't remember the good times you had. Don't let it hurt you too much - I hope every year is better than the last, even when the last one was good!

I wouldn't worry too much about the gifts either. Maybe it was a bad idea, but nothing can be done about it now. Even if she throws them away or is upset by them I'm sure someday she'll come to realize you weren't trying to hurt her, just show her you care.

It's hard to find that line between being selfish and thoughtful in these types of situations. You never really know how someone else will see your gestures. "We judge ourselves based on our intentions, but we judge others based on their actions" - I can't remember who said it but I think about that a lot when I start to think I know WHY someone else did something, because you never really do.

Chin up Seize.

I spent about 4 years single after a heavy loss of love . It was a crap time. But I came out of it knowing I now know how to be happy on my own.

I believe a person HAS to make a home comfortable for himself in his or her head, where they can retreat back if time calls to be on your own again.

What's done is done in regards to the presents. Its not that bad.

And.. Don't drink! You are just getting battered by craving emotions. Itl pass.

Look at it this way... Part of us being in recovery and growth is by getting out of ourselves we can do things for other people. You did something nice for her, take any bad/good expectations out of the situation and just let it be what it is. Don't feel bad about that, small potatoes.

I know seeing that on Instagram had to have hurt and the honest truth of the matter is that we hurt people in our path, especially the ones we love the most. With recovery comes pain but I PROMISE you that as more time goes by and the more you improve your life, the guilt will go away. Especially if you get a sponsor and work the steps. Also, self-awareness is a wonderful gift we get in recovery. "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"

Read pg 83-84 in the big book. I read this every single day and it still brings me to tears. Good luck!

P.S. when I got clean and sober I got rid of every social media site I was on. I have to tell you it is one of the best decisions I have made in my recovery. It leaves me time to focus on the here and now and keeps me out of the unnecessary drama. Being an addict in recovery I create enough drama for myself...promise.

Hopefully you will learn from this mistake.

I've been thinking about this a lot today and especially in relation to the gifts. I know if it was me who had just broken up with someone, emotions would still be running high, so they really couldn't win :) If they didn't send gifts, I'd be thinking they couldn't have really cared, but if they did, I'd be thinking they were trying to bug me. Emotions still being high, I really wouldn't take any immediate reaction to your gifts, too much to heart :)
Having said that, I'd perhaps back off now and give her some space to either calm down or have a good think about how nice it was of you to send them - All depends on where she is with it all, but I wouldn't offer any more contact for now.

Look after yourself :)

Seize, I don't think you had anything to lose by sending the gifts. In fact, you sent the gifts for all the right reasons -- it was about her birthday and giving her some nice things. No harm in that.

Probably time to move on though, in the sense that you have bigger fish to fry so to speak. You need to concentrate on yourself, and staying sober. There is all the upside in the world to that -- and part of the good could be getting her back. And even if not, you are in an infinitely better position than you were a week ago.

Going back to drinking? ALL downside, no upside at all.

And everything you are feeling is natural. But again, focus on yourself and taking care of yourself and getting healthy.

I'm sorry bud! I'm sure she didn't throw them away. As for the instagram post i'm sure she knows you're reading up and maybe wanted to sting you a little bit. I'm not sure I don't know her. But I can tell how much you love her. Give yourself some time, and her some time....maybe things will work itself out.

Agree with Ashley regarding the sting perhaps.

Only way through it is through it I'm afraid but you will feel much better much sooner and be able to deal with the things and feelings that come your way if you are sober.

You never know what the future might holdout for now I would be staying away from any social media that could affect my mental state too much.
I know it's tough, hang in there

Stay strong Sat , it's a tough thing to lose your girl , I've been there. Sometimes you gotta let go. The good thing is your free to meet someone new even if that's not what you want now. I would stop sending gifts and get on with my life. If she wants you she will come back. Concentrate on keeping busy and staying sober. Join a gym if you can and start working out if you are able. Good luck to you.

You think it before you drink it
 

Almost gave in today, at work thinking about the afternoon. Then all of the sudden I got the urge to drink. I would stop by the store grab a 6 pack and drink it down. My AV was telling me go ahead it's been 23 days you earned it. Your gonna drink eventually anyway. So I get off work driving home my mind still battling over drinking so I stopped and got something to eat instead . Then I went to the gym. Very close call. Kinda scary how strong that urge was I thought I was past that. I'm praying for sober weekend.

Sorry Sat, that last post wasn't a reply it was meant to be a thread. But it just goes to show I'm struggling too.

Hi Sat

I can reassure you that you will be happy again.

Without I hope twisting the knife any more, it may not happen with this girl...exes are usually exes for good (and multiple) reasons.

but there's every reason to believe that there are others out there who will love to become part of your life and you theirs.

Use this time - work on yourself - become the best you you can be. Become self sufficient. Develop inner validation :)

You'll be amazed at the difference when you meet a special someone again down the track :)

D