Just days away from 6 months and I fail
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Hi everyone thanks again fro your messages. I slept very well last night. I came to spend the night at my ex in-laws house, just to get away from my house and not be alone. I had the most beautiful dreams of my children, really wonderful, I hated waking up and finding it was only a dream. I want to get back to my normal routine with them as soon as possible.
I have decided, along with my doctor, that I will not return to rehab. They do not have a place until Wednesday and she said if I can get through the first three days I am on the upswing in terms of the physical part. The next part is to tackle the mental part and I am ready to do that right away. I need to find a good doctor here locally, going to Florence was not working for me and I need to make seeing a psychologist weekly a priority.
My next plan is to get together my CV and apply for some sort of job out of the house, working from home is not working for me. It is stressful, I am not good at organising my time and I spend too much time alone. I want and need a 9-5.
I next hope to return to my sport activity as soon as I am well enough. I feel like exercising today but don't have any clothing or shoes here with me. I will try to go Monday to karate if I can.
Next, I will go back to making my home alcohol free. It was but then bottles slowly crept in- leftover from a dinner, or something I bought as an ingredient for cooking. Well, it is now clear that having anything around for cooking is not a good idea, so that is going to go.
It is so strange how for months I had these bottles, felt no calling or temptation at all and then in just one second put the bottle to my mouth. I must learn from my mistakes. I never know when this will pop up again so I must be prepared in that way too.
I am going to continue to rest today, try to do a little work not he computer to feel normal, I will see my kids later and hopefully return home. My in laws have offered that I can stay here for a few weeks if need be but I really want to get back to my kids, them being my greatest motivation to stay sober and without them I feel an enormous depression. I will keep their offer in mind should I feel weak. My father-in-law is a doctor, so I do feel safe with him.
I have decided, along with my doctor, that I will not return to rehab. They do not have a place until Wednesday and she said if I can get through the first three days I am on the upswing in terms of the physical part. The next part is to tackle the mental part and I am ready to do that right away. I need to find a good doctor here locally, going to Florence was not working for me and I need to make seeing a psychologist weekly a priority.
My next plan is to get together my CV and apply for some sort of job out of the house, working from home is not working for me. It is stressful, I am not good at organising my time and I spend too much time alone. I want and need a 9-5.
I next hope to return to my sport activity as soon as I am well enough. I feel like exercising today but don't have any clothing or shoes here with me. I will try to go Monday to karate if I can.
Next, I will go back to making my home alcohol free. It was but then bottles slowly crept in- leftover from a dinner, or something I bought as an ingredient for cooking. Well, it is now clear that having anything around for cooking is not a good idea, so that is going to go.
It is so strange how for months I had these bottles, felt no calling or temptation at all and then in just one second put the bottle to my mouth. I must learn from my mistakes. I never know when this will pop up again so I must be prepared in that way too.
I am going to continue to rest today, try to do a little work not he computer to feel normal, I will see my kids later and hopefully return home. My in laws have offered that I can stay here for a few weeks if need be but I really want to get back to my kids, them being my greatest motivation to stay sober and without them I feel an enormous depression. I will keep their offer in mind should I feel weak. My father-in-law is a doctor, so I do feel safe with him.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
No, nothing is worth that. When I am sober and clear headed I NEVER, EVER have thoughts of suicide. Life is not always easy for me, but I carry on and the thought of ending it all does not even come into my mind.
ONLY when I add alcohol to the mix doe this happen, yet another, in a long list of reasons, to NEVER allow alcohol into my system.
ONLY when I add alcohol to the mix doe this happen, yet another, in a long list of reasons, to NEVER allow alcohol into my system.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Hi Mera...That's great that you realize you made a mistake instead of continuing to drink. Sometimes a relapse can set a person back to drinking for years.
I agree with the others, who are pointing out that your problems are temporary and suicide is permanent. I've been suicidal many times and when I snap out of it I'm always very glad I didn't.
But I competely understand wanting to. Depression makes things seem more hopeless than they actually are.
Staying sober in the long run requires action.
For the rest of our lives we need to fight back this thing. And avoid fantasizing about alcohol or tempting ourselves in any way.
If you weren't following any plan to stay sober, then cooked with it, you could easily have gotten a casual feeling towards drinking, that alcoholics should never feel.
At least you're aware now of what led up to your slip up so you can avoid the behavior in the future.You're doing very well.
Please don't listen to the lies depression tells you.
I wish you the best
I agree with the others, who are pointing out that your problems are temporary and suicide is permanent. I've been suicidal many times and when I snap out of it I'm always very glad I didn't.
But I competely understand wanting to. Depression makes things seem more hopeless than they actually are.
Staying sober in the long run requires action.
For the rest of our lives we need to fight back this thing. And avoid fantasizing about alcohol or tempting ourselves in any way.
If you weren't following any plan to stay sober, then cooked with it, you could easily have gotten a casual feeling towards drinking, that alcoholics should never feel.
At least you're aware now of what led up to your slip up so you can avoid the behavior in the future.You're doing very well.
Please don't listen to the lies depression tells you.
I wish you the best
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Also, I want to add one more thing after seeing your title again...Temptations can get really strong around milestones like three months, six months, a year. Because big accomishments can make people feel like they've got this thing conquered, and they can control it now.
So be extra careful around these times🙂. There is no getting control back. Not even
after fifty years of sobriety.
So be extra careful around these times🙂. There is no getting control back. Not even
after fifty years of sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 526
So proud of you Mera! It's a great resolve not to keep alcohol around your place.
I would feel suicidal when I drank as well. Especially when I was working a 9-5 office job I despised (hope you do not!) I remember sending e-mails to my parents about ''jumps'' in front of a passing Go-Train or subway, in tears, and telling them how I understood! I could never pick a method though, all seemed too gory.
I hope you never have to feel that way again.
I would feel suicidal when I drank as well. Especially when I was working a 9-5 office job I despised (hope you do not!) I remember sending e-mails to my parents about ''jumps'' in front of a passing Go-Train or subway, in tears, and telling them how I understood! I could never pick a method though, all seemed too gory.
I hope you never have to feel that way again.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I would have had 6 months sober on the 24th of this month. What a waste.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Mera, You are one of my favorites on SR. You are always here to chime in for everyone. You have the best personality and your outlook on life is pretty awesome IMO. What happened to you is why I often hate keeping track of time. Because one slip does NOT make your almost six months a waste. This time thing is such a huge pressure and to feel suicidal over it is as bad as it can get. You are human... we humans F up... and that's O>K>. You took control of it right away... you have learned from it... your story will and is inspiring others. So carry on... and keep being you... Be proud of your Sober Time and forgive yourself for one lil' slip. You sound like you are right back in the saddle. Bravo!
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Mera, I'm glad you're feeling better. And, I'm so glad that you are sober and ready to move forward. 
I think your decision to never have alcohol in the house is a great one. I understand that you may have gone through months without it being a problem, but it only takes one vulnerable moment and it's just too handy.
I also think that trying to find a job away from your home is a good idea. As your boys get older, it will be important for you to have something of your own that gives you satisfaction.
I think your decision to never have alcohol in the house is a great one. I understand that you may have gone through months without it being a problem, but it only takes one vulnerable moment and it's just too handy.
I also think that trying to find a job away from your home is a good idea. As your boys get older, it will be important for you to have something of your own that gives you satisfaction.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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Hey Mera, Im so glad you are feeling a bit better and have stopped drinking again. I've been thinking about you and I knew you could pull yourself back from the edge. You are strong. Love and support you. 
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Glad to read that you are feeling better and more positive. You see, that mental state of desperation and hopelessness is the direct (physiological) consequence of alcohol withdrawal and the shame associated with a relapse, it is very distorted and does not represent our normal perception and self. I had those scary, dark feelings in the past for a long time when I was stuck in a repetition of putting together some sober time and drinking again. It was extremely disturbing as, like you, I hardly ever had serious suicidal thoughts otherwise. I learned to remain aware of their transient and "chemical" nature after a while even while being in it, so I resisted the urges and am very glad that I never acted on them. But simply the awareness and trying again was not the real, permanent solution. The alcohol has to go forever, whatever it takes. I am glad that you recognize that the modest benefit of cooking with alcohol at times is not worth the risk of giving in at vulnerable moments. As you know, those moments can be extremely sudden and unpredictable.
It is also great that you are looking into new job opportunities. I think we discussed before how you sometimes feel dissatisfied with your life and the stress of that sometimes leads to disturbing thoughts and picking up the drink for you. It is much better to actively pursue realistic possibilities rather than getting into longing for something unavailable and getting caught in ongoing frustrations.
All the best to you, you certainly seem to be someone who is not afraid of pursuing new endeavors, be it in relation to your recovery or other interests
It is also great that you are looking into new job opportunities. I think we discussed before how you sometimes feel dissatisfied with your life and the stress of that sometimes leads to disturbing thoughts and picking up the drink for you. It is much better to actively pursue realistic possibilities rather than getting into longing for something unavailable and getting caught in ongoing frustrations.
All the best to you, you certainly seem to be someone who is not afraid of pursuing new endeavors, be it in relation to your recovery or other interests
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Hi friends, there are some very touching messages I want to respond personally to and will do so but right now I am concentrating on survival. Know that I thank you all profusely though. Day 4 here. I woke up this morning and called a new doctor. It is a husband and wife team, both psychiatrists who also do psychotherapy. I would like to start work with the female, she is on vacationfor the next week so to start I have an appointment with the husband. He specializes in addiction and works once a month at a center for addiction in Padova where the are doing TMS, which I will ask about today.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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This is the center, I received this article from our dear friend wpainterw. How Science Is Unlocking the Secrets of Addiction
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