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Nowsthetime 09-20-2017 07:31 PM

My AV is planning to drink
 
Hello:

I am going on vacation with my great friend and our kids. We are going to a great park in Orlando and she has scored an amazing deal with all kinds of perks and extras...

So: my AV has been going and it's almost as if I already gave myself permission to drink. I told my husband about these thoughts and how annoying it was already. He really didn't comment. He never has the right answer because he doesn't get it so I think he rather not at anything instead of saying something and messing up. I proceeded to reiterate that I won't drink (he would be super uncomfortable with drinking me going on a vacation without him) but in the back of my mind I know I have given myself that permission.

I have always had long periods of sobriety since I started this journey, right now I have almost 8 months so my AV is telling me I can moderate and then stop again. It is definitely telling me that I certainly can't get drunk but a glass would be ok. My friend knows about my sobriety and is supportive but I know she would love to have a drink with me...

Part of my plan is to post when I'm having these thought so there it is: I'm planning my "slip". I almost postponed posting but that would delight my AV.

Thanks for listening.

Delilah1 09-20-2017 08:03 PM

Glad you posted, what will you be doing with the kids while you are there? Maybe plan out your time to avoid potential downfalls. Eight months is fantastic, think through how you would feel waking up back at day one. Make sure to post here throughout your trip.

Gabe1980 09-21-2017 12:27 AM

Thanks for this post and for your honesty. My AV has been pulling similar s**t on me, mainly about my brother's 40th birthday where I could just drink for one night, just have a couple cause I can't possibly cope with it without alcohol and ...BLAH, BLAH, BLAHDY , BLAH!!
All I can say is it sounds like you are doing amazingly well. I'm in my third week after a relapse then two sober weeks before. Please don't come back here, it's hard. People are still pissed with me (quite rightly) and it's hard not to be afraid of what sobriety means for my life. You know that already and when I reach eight months you'll be at sixteen. It's all lies, booze won't make your holiday better.

site1Q84 09-21-2017 12:40 AM

Good for you for posting!
My AV has got me in this same way so many times - it can be tricky to recognize!
Have you ever tried to moderate before? I have some pretty good examples of how wrong that can go if you don't have any of your own!
Maybe you could mention to your friend how you're feeling and she can help keep an eye out while you're on your trip?

Bottletop 09-21-2017 12:55 AM

Affairs start with allowing the mind to go where it shouldn't. Look at alchohol like that. Imagine the devestation and regret.

Dee74 09-21-2017 01:10 AM

I really recommend reading your old posts and threads nowisthetime - thats the reality of drinking for you as opposed to AV rationalisation or rosy nostalgia..

hpdw 09-21-2017 01:21 AM

Hi, 8 months is brilliant . I would hate to see you go back to day 1 .
Don't buy into " I can drink normally for a few days " . I don,t know you but I sense deep down you will not do this . Your scared or else you wouldn,t have posted . Feed your 8 months sobriety ,think back to your day one 8 months ago how bad you felt .

Renvate 09-21-2017 01:44 AM

Yep. This Is the moment I was talking about in my previous thread, after a long time you spontaneously just let yourself drink, like all the work meant nothing.

This I guess Is the TRUE face of addiction.

Don't believe into it. I think this is more a trigger, you are reminiscing a vacation situation, and what do we all look forward to on vacation? Drinks by the pool/spa/fire/beach etc.

Vacations usually entail allcohol fantasies, I know that if someone told me "tomorrow, Thailand, all inclusive" - first thing id think is.

" imagine all the beer I can drink, I deserve it I've worked so hard, life is too short, stuff it, its Thailand"...tbh I think Iam not allowed to go to Thailand for a while or perhaps never.

Your routine has been successfully at home, looks like another test is Infront of you?

Silverback4 09-21-2017 03:22 AM

Stay strong, 8 months is an amazing achievement and is not worth putting at risk for a few days/weeks away.
At the end of the day you need to return from your holiday/vacation and you can return even stronger than you are now or right back at day 1.

ReadyAtLast 09-21-2017 03:36 AM

Hi. Interesting post. I am going on all inclusive holiday in October too.

Your av does not have control. You do. It is a thought but it can't pick up the drink. Part of your post does read as though you are convincing yourself it will be OK to drink on hols then stop again. Believe me I've had similar thoughts. But I'm thinking it through.

I don't want to go to day 1 again. I had 3.5 years then started and each time quitting is so much harder. I'm only at 25 days now but dam sure I'm not drinking on holiday. I'm thinking of non alcohol drinks in the sun fabulous sleep then waking up in the morning clear headed hydrated and with no fear or shame or regret. I won't kid myself I can share a bottle of wine with my husband and have a pleasant evening. I want the whole bottle then another then cocktails then blackout. How embarrassing for my son husband and myself. I'm 43 not 18. I'm a mother and will spend the mornings hungover free on the water slides.

Think how much more fun you will have sober and clear headed with your children 😀

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 04:56 AM


Originally Posted by site1Q84 (Post 6611154)
Have you ever tried to moderate before? I have some pretty good examples of how wrong that can go if you don't have any of your own!
Maybe you could mention to your friend how you're feeling and she can help keep an eye out while you're on your trip?

Thanks for this idea. As soon as I read it my AV went "NO! DON'T TELL HER!!!"

I have been able to moderate before but that's the thing, my AV uses that to try to get me. I can't keep feeding it and having long periods and then drink again. My AV says, "so what if you have a couple once in 8 months or once a year, that's not bad'", but I don't want to be in this cycle.

This trip is in 2 months and I'm already struggling internally. Having these thoughts is so annoying!!!

Thanks everyone. The feedback really helps!

Silverback4 09-21-2017 04:59 AM

2 months is a great amount of time to work on your recovery and feel stronger in dealing with this.
Well done on having the foresight to ward this off early.

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 04:59 AM


Originally Posted by Dee74 (Post 6611172)
I really recommend reading your old posts and threads nowisthetime - thats the reality of drinking for you as opposed to AV rationalisation or rosy nostalgia..

Yes! This is part of my plan and I have gone back and read. I had forgotten about this but a couple of years ago (when I first started) I went to an an event with my friend. I didn't know many people there. When we arrived she announced outloud that I don't drink. I posted about that...

I think that if I tell her she will help... I think...

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 05:00 AM


Originally Posted by Thomas59 (Post 6611179)
Hi, 8 months is brilliant . I would hate to see you go back to day 1 .
Don't buy into " I can drink normally for a few days " . I don,t know you but I sense deep down you will not do this . Your scared or else you wouldn,t have posted . Feed your 8 months sobriety ,think back to your day one 8 months ago how bad you felt .

Thank you for telling me this! This is the support I need!!!

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 05:04 AM


Originally Posted by Renvate (Post 6611187)
Yep. This Is the moment I was talking about in my previous thread, after a long time you spontaneously just let yourself drink, like all the work meant nothing

This is the cycle I want to stop. I did 13 months, seven, then another seven or so, then more, now 8. Last time I broke my sobriety for 1 glass, 1 glass!!! So stupid!

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 05:07 AM


Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast (Post 6611274)
Hi. Interesting post. I am going on all inclusive holiday in October too.

Your av does not have control. You do. It is a thought but it can't pick up the drink. Part of your post does read as though you are convincing yourself it will be OK to drink on hols then stop again. Believe me I've had similar thoughts. But I'm thinking it through.

This is why I posted. I AM giving myself that permission but I have to keep my eye on the prize. You are completely right and that's why I came here. Me, the real ME doesn't want to mess this up. I love coming here and talking t out. It helps a lot to talk to you guys, who understand.

Nowsthetime 09-21-2017 05:10 AM


Originally Posted by Silverback4 (Post 6611352)
2 months is a great amount of time to work on your recovery and feel stronger in dealing with this.
Well done on having the foresight to ward this off early.

Thank you Silver. I am really trying to not sabotage myself and to be accountable to my SR family and to me. It's so frustrating to have these thoughts, ugh! My AV is trying to chip at me. AVRT has really helped in these instances but the trick is to work the plan. Last night I was telling myself that I really didn't have a lot of time to post but I did it anyway because I know that's what it takes to work your plan, doing things that aren't convenient necessarily or that make you comfortable.

Zanna 09-21-2017 05:13 AM

AV's don't have arms, legs, bottle/tin openers .... tell it to get lost ;)

melki 09-21-2017 05:15 AM

It's great that you posted! My first thought was to talk to your friend too and to tell her exactly how devastating it would be for you to have even one drink. In two months, it's 10 months of sobriety, you've got this! Keep posting and making a plan to prepare for this.

dwtbd 09-21-2017 06:01 AM

In a weird way I think your AV does want to post about 'hearing' IT.

IT is working on the idea that you see 'hearing' IT as a threat, but it isn't. Being aware of ITs activities(all the images and thoughts of future drinking) isn't anything other than being aware of some thoughts. Listening to and agreeing with those is the danger. So It keeps its foot in the door by trying to convince you that ITs presence is something you 'shouldn't ' have or experience.

And Its job is really only ever to get you to agree 'one' drink, so It would 'agree' that getting drunk is bad idea, cuz that works against Its plan, It 'knows' you think being a drunk is a bad idea, that notion isn't helpful for It ( and especially not helpful for the Beast).

Its single minded purpose ( more booze) is so insular to be considered stupid, but It has access to all of our cunning , intelligence and capacity for rationalization and uses those against us. They are just thoughts and you can feel free to dismiss them :) , having them isn't bad, listening/agreeing with them is.

Here's how dumb the AV is, It thinks in fifteen years the kids will be like " hey remember that time Mom took us to Orlando for that glass of wine"


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