ER1968

Hello all. I have been visiting this site for a while, but this is my first post. Let me start by saying that there are some really great people posting here. I have been greatly inspired by the strength and determination shown by so many. I have also been deeply moved by the compassion and love shown as well.

I have also been struck by how similar so many people's stories are -- including mine. So here it is.

I am a 48 y/o professional who has been drinking for a very long time. About 7-8 years ago was a very stressful time -- my wife was having an affair, my employer was extremely unstable (height of the financial crisis) -- I thought I would lose everything. I also recognized that my drinking made the anxiety infinitely worse. So I quit for a good while. And things turned around. Started my own business, money was good, and I found that I was happier without my wife. In fact, I remarried.

And then, because I thought all was well, I began drinking regularly again. Much heavier than ever before. Indeed, over the last couple of years the drinking has taken over my life. I have made mistake, after mistake, after a mistake due to alcohol. I have neglected and procrastinated because of alcohol. As good as things were, I have placed it all in jeopardy in no small part due to alcohol. Drinking in secret. Going to the movies in the middle of the day to hide my drunkenness and sober up.

For about a year, I was drinking 10-12 ounces of alcohol a day -- about 2-3 bottles of wine. It was so bad that I had to drink early in the a.m. to ward off the shakes and debilitating anxiety. I went into a detox early this year, but I quickly relapsed. Over the last several months I have had starts and fits with sobriety. I am thankfully able to stop without withdrawals. But my anxiety is as bad as it has ever been. I know its because I have injured my brain chemistry. But it is so hard not to reach for a drink to calm my nerves, even if just for a little while.

This past weekend was 4 days of heavy drinking. Yesterday more drinking to stave off the anxiety. But of course, today it is worse.

So my mission is to make it through the day -- Day 1. And then another. I want out of this loop so very badly. I hate how I feel when I drink, and especially when I am not after having drank. Unless, I quit, this will not end well. I do not think AA is for me though.

Thanks in advance for insight and advice. Again, I want out of this so badly.

SaturatedSeize

Welcome to SR and thanks for your post. The inspiration, strength, and determination you've read about from others, we can gather from your posts as well, so please continue to share with us. When I'm staying sober, SR is a large part of that. I browse at work during the day, on my phone at night, read the same posts over and over, because then I don't feel so lonely, which I've gathered is the biggest trigger for me.

You have had a period of sobriety in the past, extensive it sounds like. You have already accomplished a lot! What worked last time? What will work this time? You mention the drinking got worse this time around, any idea why?

I like how you mentioned your mission being to get through today. I look at my road to recovery the same way. One day at a time as to not get overwhelmed. I can't possibly know what tomorrow brings, but I know I'm not drinking today, and THAT'S what matters.

I think all of us hate who we become when we drink to a certain degree. My emotional well-being is critical right now and the thought of making things worse because I drink again is unbearable. My "F-it" mentality sadly takes over because of the emotional destabilization. It's a spiral I'm slowly working on straightening out.

I hope SR continues to be an inspiration for you and good luck on your journey, YOU deserve this.

DarklingSong

Welcome ER. If you really want to get sober again you can. I know how hard it is, I found the anxiety almost unbearable. But it does get better. I have relied on SR for support, checking in daily, staying sober one day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary.
Stay with us and keep posting.
Support to you.

dpac414

I echo everyone when I say that yes, one day at a time is a good way to start. Every day is a new day regardless of what happened the day before.

There's a lot of other ways to deal with alcoholism aside from AA. Check out the secular forum if you haven't already. But it can't hurt to go to a few meetings anyway to see what you think.

I think it's great that you want to make a change and staying on this site and reading, posting, and talking to everyone will really help. People on here really are amazing.

Good luck! I know you can do this.

SimplyFree

Sometimes seeing the doctor has helped others with anxieties. Me too!

JD

Welcome. We all enter here pretty much in the same place as you. But what's really cool is there are so many success stories here too. I'm rooting for you to be one of them. This sobriety thing is pretty simple but it's not easy. But putting in the work is so worth it.

hpdw

Hi , I have been in and out here I think 3 times . I didn't struggle to finish drinking , drinking finished me . My struggle was when I felt better after a while then forgot how bad I was so thought it would be ok to try a drink . How wrong I was each time . This time i'm at 51 days sober and have a more solid outlook . I'm so sick of being sick with alcohol beating the crap out of me mentally and physically ( much worse on the mental /emotional side ).
I read somewhere on here a person who was struggling and in AA his sponsor told him " if you want to stop drinking you need to stop drinking " . I couldn't understand that simple but profound statement at first but now I do .

site1Q84

Welcome! Happy to have you here.
I'm glad you decided to share your story with us - even if it is a familiar one!

Gottalife

Alcoholism is a progressive illness and if you have it, over any considerable period it always gets worse. It seems to decend through stages. In the early stages there are many options to recover. Just chose not to drink is one, therapy, counseling, religion, are some others. But the further we decend, the less the options. Start getting into detox and rehab and so on.

Then at some point a line is crossed and we lose the power of choice. That happened to me. Maybe I could have stopped on my own much earlier, I wanted to, but a thing we call denial prevented me seeing the true nature of my situation.

So I grew into end stage alcoholism. I was locked up in a mental hospital with ten other end stage men, all under forty. I was the youngest at 21. When we were discharged, two of our number went to AA and never drank again. They are about 39 years sober now.

The other eight of us went out to try and prove that AA was not the only game in town, in spite of medical advice, still current today, that for alcoholics of our type, there were no other options, other than permanent residence in the hospital if our brain damage got bad enough. I forgot to mention that our ward had about 60 patients, men and women who were of this type.

Within a year the booze had forced me to swallow my pride and go to the thing that works best for most alcoholics of my type. I tried and failed to prove I was different. So did the other seven guys, they died trying. By the time I got sober, I was the only one still alive. I resisted AA almost to my last breath. Kinda stupid of me, I could so easily have joined the others that didn't survive.

I don't know what stage you are in or even if you are alcoholic. But if you have the same illness I have, and it has progressed as far as it did with me, then you are going to need all the help you can get, and even that may not be enough.

I wouldn't be dismissing any options just yet, though I can't really say that because I did exactly that, dismissed AA out of hand, and almost died.

Stronger2017

Hi ER 👋. I don't have much advice but I really hope you can put a stop to the drinking. I've only done a couple of weeks but I feel a heck of a lot calmer than befor. Good luck!