berryblue

I don't know how important sobriety is to me today.

I will be seeing my husband for the first time in months. We separated after I found out he was having an affair in January of this year. He has recently asked for me to take him back and we are going to discuss that today.

We used to drink together. It was fun. Easy. Comfortable. Familiar. And it would be very easy to slide back into that.

I’m 10 days sober and it doesn’t feel very important for me to stay sober today. I am even planning on what the next few days being hungover and emotional are going to look like.

I don’t know what I am going to do but any advice is welcomed.

Ariesagain

If your gut is telling you the price of the relationship will be drinking again...don't do it.

Being drinking buddies isn't really a marriage. It's just two drunks staring ahead into a barroom mirror and talking to themselves out loud.

You need to be as clear-headed as possible right now, yes?

Renvate

Berryblue, on average to your situation, you could be setting yourself up for alot of future pain. After the "everything is fine" fog dies down.

Think carefully and use your intuition.

Frank14

Right now the most important thing is your sobriety. He has two big strikes against him: he cheated on you and he was your drinking buddy. Don't you deserve more than being with a drunk cheater? Sorry, but I'm pretty black and white on this matter because I've been through it personally. If you're unfaithful, then you're done.

SaturatedSeize

Sounds like a really high risk situation. I'd really take the time to evaluate if now is a good time. You haven't seen him since January, why now? 10 days sober and already planning on throwing it away because of this possible situation for relapse. 10 days is priceless, I'd love to get to 10 days sober.

Sounds to me like you are still holding onto an old life. HE cheated on YOU, what happened to that? Will he cheat again? Where is your trust?

I'm with Frank14 on this, I've been cheated on numerous times in my past, and for me, there is no coming back from it.

Too many emotions to tangle with so fresh into sobriety.

Outonthetiles

If he's drinking, I wouldn't take him back, and even if he's not, I wouldn't take him back.

Forward12

This doesn't sound like a good situation and it sounds like you've already planned to throw away your sobriety because of him.
I would continue to stay away and focus on your sobriety.

Renvate

Blue, I don't blame you for being human. Sometimes when loneliness sets in it is an absolute nightmare to ridd off and anything will quench it.

Ask yourself what is it that you really want from him. quench the lonelisnees? Life partner? Closure after seperation?

I know men, (cause I am one) and last I checked, when the cat is away, the mice come to play.

Its been 10 months and he's obviously realised who the best woman who is willing to stand him. Because he obviously got kicked to the curb by the others.

If your in a daze atm. Tell him that you need more time to think. Which really looks like you do. And stay sober !

dwtbd

is it the addiction ? Yep, yeah, uh huh
3/4 of your post was directly related to drinking again, the idea about a committed relationship, only seems like a trivial after thought.

I'm not saying this is how , you feel, I'm just seeing how 'your addiction' is using this situation. IT has you seeing a possible reconciliation or..? as a mere opportunity for a 'fun, comfortable' buzz session.

berryblue

Common sense and compassion is used by most of the wonderful people on this site but I guess I can't assume everyone has it. So, for you dwtbd, this is what I meant to say: "I don’t know what I am going to do but any non-judgmental, unsarcastic advice is welcomed. If you don't have that, scroll past my post."

dwtbd

I did not mean to offend you , that was honestly not my intention.

You do see , however, how much of your thought is involved with drinking , yes?

Again , no offense intended, just an objective observation. Last post , promise.

FreeOwl

your shared thoughts seem to me very similar to the kinds of thoughts I used to have ahead of drinking again.

in time I began to see that these were simply cover thoughts or pre-planning thoughts.... underneath, I'd already decided to drink again. This was just my conscious attempt to rationalize and work my way toward support of the unconscious conclusion I'd already come to.

Which for me, yes, was the addiction in control. But, it was a choice. It wasn't like some hidden beast that snuck up and tricked me into continuing to drag me down. The truth was that I was just lying to myself about sobriety. I hadn't yet chosen it. So, I was putting on an act for ME. I was performing in silly little play to try and convince myself I was under control, or it was OK, or I wasn't that bad, or that this time it would be different... all to support the reality; I had not yet chosen to live differently and to be free of addiction. I had not yet chosen sobriety.

I don't know if that's where you are. Only you can find those answers. But your words land on me in a way that brings me back......

berryblue

Honestly, your view is quite accurate and that's definitely the struggle. The information about him and I was more about adding context to the situation.

It boils down to this. I want to drink. We drink together so more-so than any other day, it's on my mind (you can also throw in there the anxiety of seeing him). Therefore, sobriety is seeming like something I'm not sure is important to me today. That was what I was trying to get across but can see why others would focus on the relationship.

It struck a nerve because it's the truth.

Ariesagain

berryblue

Dead on. The thought that I'm not sure sobriety is important to me today is absolutely a rationalization. Which always brings me to the question, what is it going to take for it to be the most important thing? I know you don't have the answer. I just wish I did.

Thanks for your insightful and eerily accurate thoughts.

site1Q84

Definitely sounds like you're planning your own relapse!

Your sobriety has to be #1 - if there's any question about making it through this meeting with him without staying sober then you need to reschedule or cancel it.

FreeOwl

It's going to take one of two things:

1 - you DECIDING TO CHOOSE IT before it gets any worse

or

2 - you reaching a point of pain, suffering, despair, agony and awfulness that you simply can't take it anymore.


Or, of course, you could always wind up dying along the way. So there are basically three options.

Berrybean

I think perhaps there are two questions it's worth asking yourself and trying your hardest to be brutally honest with yourself about...

1) Why did you want to get sober in the first place.
How had it affected you health; mental health; relationships; integrity; career; finances; way you lived (for me, my house was at pretty much squallor level I'm ashamed to say) ; etc. etc. ??


2) If your husband is still drinking or not, do you actually want him back? Are you willing to completely forgive so you can move forward rather than stay stuck on his betrayal of trust? I ask this because I honestly don't think I could have done that in early sobriety - I was still too full of fear and resentment generally to have treated such a situation with the grace that this needs. What will need to have changed for you to be confident that he won't behave the same way again?

Anyway - good luck, whatever you decide.
There is no reason to drink because of this - in fact, every reason NOT to drink. If you're going to make wise decisions about your future you need to be sober and clear headed and see through nostalgia and wishful thinking.

Take care.
BB

markinny

great answer freeowl....that's it in a nutshell

AshleyB

Wouldn't really be a good choice to be back with this man. 10 days is a long time to just throw it away for some drinking buddy dynamic. It will only take you down further to a slippery slope. Be careful. Make the best decision for future reference.