Kate123

I am very sad because I drank 2 bottles of wine last night after having 30 days sobriety. So frustrating and I feel so low and worthless. Just trying to get back on the right track and not beat myself up too much.

DontRemember

It can/does happen. Get back to it and tweak/add to your sobriety plan.

icandothis20

I had a slip yesterday after two weeks, and I feel the same way. trying to just get back on track.
I woke up with all those familiar feelings. Panic, upset, disappointed, feeling sick, anxious, dehydrated....
We can do this, if anything this solidified my reasons for doing so.. I cant stop once I start.

nez

Beating yourself up does nothing positive, if anything it reinforces the negative. Sobriety is about the positive. By all means though, be honest and realistic about your experience. Then exercise humility, learn, and move forward.

Kate123

Thanks everyone! It is so incredibly awesome to have others support. I am going to my addiction counselor tonight. Which is very good timing. I want to succeed so much! I think my failures start when I believe time and time again, that I am really "normal" and I can have one drink. I have never ever ever enjoyed having one drink. The way the mind can trick a person is just amazing.

LBrain

Kate, I see that you joined this site in 2009. How can you rationalize that you are still "normal" over the past 8 years? Whatever brought you here in the first place seems to be what is keeping you here. I think it's time for you to come to the realization that you may not be "normal" after all.
And once you fully embrace that idea, you can move beyond those brief periods of sobriety and commit to a lifetime of sobriety.

saoutchik

I'm sure you will succeed Kate, next time you will be ready when the AV strikes.

bluedog97

Welcome back. 30 days is great, hopefully you can learn from what happened.

hellrzr

I think an important step is to be honest. You did not have a "slip", you had a relapse. You slip on ice, you don't slip and have two bottle of wine end up down your throat! First thing is to be honest with yourself and stop sugar coating things.

Also, what steps are you taking to stay sober? AA or something else?

Kate123

Honestly I don't think I have been rationalizing I am normal after 8 years. I guess I always wish I was but I know I am not. I have struggled with drinking on and off for 20 years. In the past I have had 2 years sober, 1 year sober etc. It's always binge drinking. As for what I am doing for support, seeing an addiction counselor and coming here. Reading up and feeling better because there are people who are like me out there.

hpdw

Its good that you both came right back here and didn't keep drinking .

I agree with LBrian post above .

If nothing changes nothing changes .

Ive had a few attempts too and know the feeling you have but rather than beat yourself up see what needs to change .

Best wishes

Kate123

I think much of it comes from having an anxiety disorder. I think many times when I relapse I can see it coming. It's basically not wanting to "think" anymore. Not wanting to worry,to feel bad about myself. Just to shut it all off. When I start to feel this way I have to PAY ATTENTION and not go down that same road.

hpdw

I relate 100 % as I would drink to escape from my feelings and horrible anxiety symptoms . All that happened when I stopped drinking was my anxiety was worse than before so a vicious cycle set in : I am working very very hard at how and why I am anxious through reading and understanding how unwanted anxiety persists . I am also doing an online CBT course funded by NHS in UK .

Anna the forum Administrator has posted very good reading in previous posts so perhaps if you give Anna a shout she could help .

What I know about anxiety is that fighting it with alcohol never works .

Keep in touch

tealily

Kate, have you ever seen a professional/doctor about the anxiety? There is treatment.. I know I used alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety, but of course all it really does is make anxiety and depression worse in the long run. Maybe if you get a handle on the anxiety relapses won't be as likely to happen. I'm sure after having been here since 2009 you are ready to get off this treadmill of alcohol. I know I was too; I lurked here for years. I hate the thought of those wasted years, that wasted health, the wasted opportunity, the dulling of my life with alcohol. It sounds like it's time for you to stop, too. Take care of yourself!

tomsteve

in a way,kate, that there is normal.
for an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism. a few lines froma book that helped me:

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.
__________________________________________________ __________________________
and how many times i started out with,"im only going to have a couple."
only to end up plastered, pass in the next morning, and beat my hea don the wall: WTH is wrong with me!!! i said i was only going to have a couple!!

which i found is quite normal for an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.

when i got into recovery- started treating the alcohoholism- one thing i heard:
if you dont remember your last drunk, ya havent had it yet.
welp, i only remember very little from my last drunk. it wasnt something new- a blackout drunk i had repeated time and time again.
what i DO remember is the morning/day after.

im seldom interested in liquor, but give me a warm summer day and a lawn mower and the thought can come up- an ice cold beer would be awesome.
i can look back at the day after my last drunk AND the MANY times an ice cold beer turned into a 12 pack of resentment.
and laugh at how crazy the thought is.

Kate123

Oh gosh I have been in therapy for years for the anxiety/depression. It went from eating disorders in teenage years, drinking in college years & on and off last 20 years. I was hospitalized due to suicide attempts twice. The last one was why I quit drinking for two years because I was afraid if I was drinking I might do it again and not even really know why. So yes I am in counseling. Working on it everyday. I was prescribed benzo's for awhile. I am sure you can all imagine how well that went! But on the positive, I have two children, two wonderful dogs, a good job, am a very successful runner and have so much going for me. I just get so overwhelmed so easily. But now at least I let people know. I tried to be "perfect" for years and would have these secret alcohol blowouts when I couldn't take it anymore. I guess that is more of my "real" story