I joined this site almost seven years ago...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when so many dont make it back,im glad ya made it back.
ok, tough love:
"but I haven't changed anything really."
and hows that been workin for ya???
if nothin changes then nothin changes.
so, ya gotta change. you can start with one thing- let the fear keep controlling you. you can keep sinking deeper into alcoholism and self pity.
or
take control of the fear.yes, you do have the strength and courage to go to meetingS .one meeting is a good start. get a copy of the big book while youre there and dont just use it as a coaster. whats in that book will give you suggestions on how to change what to change.
and keep going to meetings. get phone numbers of people at that meeting and use them. call be fore ya drink. call just to call.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
ok, tough love:
"but I haven't changed anything really."
and hows that been workin for ya???
if nothin changes then nothin changes.
so, ya gotta change. you can start with one thing- let the fear keep controlling you. you can keep sinking deeper into alcoholism and self pity.
or
take control of the fear.yes, you do have the strength and courage to go to meetingS .one meeting is a good start. get a copy of the big book while youre there and dont just use it as a coaster. whats in that book will give you suggestions on how to change what to change.
and keep going to meetings. get phone numbers of people at that meeting and use them. call be fore ya drink. call just to call.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Well done for coming back Anna and sorry to hear your struggles.
I can relate completely and although it is early days for me also I found the biggest and most difficult battle I had was with my denial and not actually with the liquid!
Getting through the denial, opening my mind and being honest with myself and others was painful but also empowering.
Deciding to believe that there was something better awaiting me in this life as long as I was willing to put the work in helped massively.
Sending you strength and good wishes.
I can relate completely and although it is early days for me also I found the biggest and most difficult battle I had was with my denial and not actually with the liquid!
Getting through the denial, opening my mind and being honest with myself and others was painful but also empowering.
Deciding to believe that there was something better awaiting me in this life as long as I was willing to put the work in helped massively.
Sending you strength and good wishes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Bombshell 
...And I'm still abusing alcohol, and have been for long before I started posting here. I've been reading the forums almost daily these past few years but haven't posted. Nothing has changed so I'm starting to post again.
I have a fear of making a bold statement such as 'I'm posting here now so things will be different this time', 'this is the end of it' etc etc... I've spent the evening reading over my previous posts and blog entries and am cringing about how often I said that and yet, here I am, still in the same place, many years later.
I will be 38 in a couple of months and am drinking 2.5 bottles of wine a few (or more than a few) times a week. I am totally stuck in my life and can't see a way forward without my dear friend alcohol. I literally can't imagine a good life without it. I've read on here that people say things will get better when you're sober but I honestly don't see how they could. I can't imagine life without alcohol.
I have been referred to the Addiction Service on the NHS and am seeing a psychologist once a month but I haven't changed anything really. I show up and talk to him about childhood stuff and it helps but then I drink again that night.
I have a dull heavy kind of sore feeling in my right hand side for a good while now and am scared of what damage I've done to myself but I can't seem to stop. I get about five days - on a good run - and then start again. Most times there's only one or two days between binges; often they're daily.
I feel embarrassed about posting here again but I don't know what else to do. My psychologist suggested trying AA but I'm too scared to go to a meeting. I've looked into meetings and psyched myself up to leave the house and go, but I'm too scared to actually go in.
I like the relaxing, 'don't care, everything's alright' feeling of getting drunk and part of me doesn't want to give that up, despite all the hurt it's causing me - there's still a small but insidious part of me that thinks wine is my friend.
I'm really afraid that I can't actually stop drinking.
I wholeheartedly welcome any advice, insights or tough love that you can give me, dear SR community.
Thanks for reading. And sorry for the long post.
Anna
I have a fear of making a bold statement such as 'I'm posting here now so things will be different this time', 'this is the end of it' etc etc... I've spent the evening reading over my previous posts and blog entries and am cringing about how often I said that and yet, here I am, still in the same place, many years later.
I will be 38 in a couple of months and am drinking 2.5 bottles of wine a few (or more than a few) times a week. I am totally stuck in my life and can't see a way forward without my dear friend alcohol. I literally can't imagine a good life without it. I've read on here that people say things will get better when you're sober but I honestly don't see how they could. I can't imagine life without alcohol.
I have been referred to the Addiction Service on the NHS and am seeing a psychologist once a month but I haven't changed anything really. I show up and talk to him about childhood stuff and it helps but then I drink again that night.
I have a dull heavy kind of sore feeling in my right hand side for a good while now and am scared of what damage I've done to myself but I can't seem to stop. I get about five days - on a good run - and then start again. Most times there's only one or two days between binges; often they're daily.
I feel embarrassed about posting here again but I don't know what else to do. My psychologist suggested trying AA but I'm too scared to go to a meeting. I've looked into meetings and psyched myself up to leave the house and go, but I'm too scared to actually go in.
I like the relaxing, 'don't care, everything's alright' feeling of getting drunk and part of me doesn't want to give that up, despite all the hurt it's causing me - there's still a small but insidious part of me that thinks wine is my friend.
I'm really afraid that I can't actually stop drinking.
I wholeheartedly welcome any advice, insights or tough love that you can give me, dear SR community.
Thanks for reading. And sorry for the long post.
Anna
A nice sober day wished for all,
M-Bob
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