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Ash94 09-17-2017 04:23 AM

Causes to relapse (aka people close to you)
 
I know this is probably a bit provocative but I was just wondering if anyone else had issues with staying sober in the face of family or other issues. I've had to move in with my mother and I do love her but I just... I guess she's where I feel most frustrated and feel that I need to drink to be calm around her. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or stories in dealing with a family member or someone who you have to see every day who triggers you.

August252015 09-17-2017 04:47 AM

Families can be tough. Mine is- in a way- but being sober now, I have to deal with them and my perspective has (mostly) changed....I could share a lot of stories, advice, whatever, as I know others could - but the bottom line is I choose not to drink over anything or anyone. That's the only solution I have to viewing my mom and everyone else in a way that is good for ME.

I say this after JUST telling my fiance about a terrible dream I had last night- it was like a movie reel or compilation of the worst things my mom and I BOTH did while drinking and I am still very disturbed....we are supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight and I am seriously considering canceling. That's one way I deal with my parents (note- obviously I don't live with them anymore though I did- when still drinking!) .... it may not be what I choose tonight as I will process today then decide.

Take care, don't drink - and if you don't, perhaps seek out IRL support (mine is AA) now and I am confident you can learn how to "deal" with your family- relationships are one of the hardest things to change our approach to, involvement in etc- but we can.

biminiblue 09-17-2017 04:57 AM

My mother and I had a very strained relationship. Capital "V."

After years of frustration I finally came to peace with it by understanding that she wasn't going to change - that I had beat my head against that wall for the last time. That it was not about her being a good mother or acting in ways that were pleasing to me but it was about me being as good a daughter as I could be in the moment, and not striking back when she did what she always did. It was about surrender. It was about forgiving her and myself.

It got much more peaceful inside my head when I didn't react to her. I learned to walk away, politely hang up the phone, whatever it took. I stopped fighting and things became peaceful. She didn't change, but my inner serenity did.

Anna 09-17-2017 06:48 AM

It can be very hard in early recovery to deal with family members. I had to distance myself from my mother when I began recovery because she was a huge trigger to me. It was essential for my well-being.

Do you have an option to live elsewhere or do you see a point in the future when you can move away from her home? In the meantime, you can try to focus on you and allow her to be who she is. Hopefully you can find some inner calm.

Dee74 09-17-2017 05:32 PM

Like others have said, my family hasn't really changed - but I have :)

I've learned now how to react without resentment or bitterness or fear or anger.

I've learned no to take their stuff on board, and they no longer 'make' me drink.

It wasn't an overnight change by any means and like Anna I had to distance myself for a while - but it's not impossible to change :)

D

Hevyn 09-17-2017 05:51 PM

Alcohol was once my go to coping tool - but of course it didn't do anything but make me more anxious. When I realized it was just masking the problem, & not solving it, I stopped numbing myself. Dealing with things head on, with eyes wide open is the only way - but it took me years to finally get that.

How are things going, Ash?

bluedog97 09-17-2017 06:44 PM

I can give a resounding yes to your question. My family makes me see red. I've gotten drunk many times over their antics.

One thing that's changed for me recently is finally realizing that there may be something wrong with them. Or better put, I'm just not like them. They refuse to accept this. Boundaries are key. I plan on moving in the next few months to put some dinstance between us.

I hope you can find a way to do the same. It's really important to look after yourself, esp. in early recovery. I as well as anyone know what a trigger it can be.

Ash94 09-17-2017 06:58 PM

Thank you so much.

It's... vey hard when you're forced into being in situations that mess with your recovery. I'd been doing so well (and I mean by YEARS which now to me sounds insane that I could last so long) but as soon as I moved in with my mother it's hard to focus on myself or any possibility of a future. I know a lot of advice is about dealing with yourself and letting go of the negative emotions but she makes very clear that I live "for her" and I know don't have the economic capacity to get out of it.

Inchworm 09-17-2017 07:09 PM

Oh, yeah. Most of us certainly didn't cause all our troubles, but we're the only one who can fix them.


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