Jana724

Hello,
How do you manage to stay sober?
I've stopped after almost a week of binge drinking - the withdrawal was so bad it scared me enough to say to my self - I don't want to experience this ever again.
It's been 2 month since I had my last drink and sadly I'm missing time when I drank. The good innocent times. Having nice bottle of Malbec with steak, wine tasting with friends, having glass of wine with my husband at the end of the day, the time when I "seemed" to have it under control.
So far I was able to rationalize myself that it's just me romanticizing something that has been dangerous for me, and unless I want to destroy my beautiful family that I love so much and ruin my life really enjoy I can never ever touch drink again. I know it's just a simple fact. I try educate myself about this. I know I have that gene and heck all of us have some emotional baggage, but at the end of the day it's up to me to be a big girl, suck it up and make the right choice. I also picked up some hobbies and luckily around two kids I'm so busy, there isn't too much free time to mess around with my stupid alcoholic thoughts.
But, we all have triggers and one of mine big one is when I'm lonely and nobody knows. My husband travels a lot and here and there are those sneaky moments when I just want to sit down at the end of the day and have a drink. The good "me" knows I can't because I know that I might be fine for 6 month but then one day I'll find myself sneaking bottle of wine in laundry room and secretly drinking in my own house, feeling so pathetic...then I'm just one step away from laying in bed like I was two month ago, not being able to move.
My family doesn't know how bad it was and honestly I'm don't even want them to know. Only my mom and my husband knows that I quit drinking and they don't even know why. I was alone when I drank last time.
Overall my quality of life is amazing compare the living hell when I drank. I love being sober, I'm happier, my feelings are real, I'm myself and I am truly proud of my self. There is no question I made the right choice and I'm on good way.
But things changed - people seems annoying to me, I don't have interest socializing at all, I used to LOVE going out, now Tuesday or Saturday is same to me. It seems boring to me go out and just eat my way through night and pretending to be interested to talk to people who are having blast enjoying this third bottle of delicious wine on table..it's just sucks. I know I'll be happier next day but gosh I miss those nights. It's truly sad how alcohol messed up my idea of having fun. It's also really sad that when people see I don't drink they get all judgmental and I have to explain why I don't drink. They are used to see me ordering 3rd drink within first hour now I'm just pulling my husband home after first hour because I'm so bored. New people who don't know me when they hear I don't drink they immediately seems surprised and distanced. They must think I'm so boring and superior and I don't blame them I was the same way. I didn't like to hang out with non-drinkers either.

So my question is
1. How do you replace fun that alcohol used to gave you?
2. How do you socialize? People just aren't fun anymore to me. (I really am very nice, outgoing, friendly person
3. How do you stay sober? The only thing that works for me is the horror memory of withdrawal, but I'm afraid it will fade away and I'll get soon the false sense of security over alcohol.

Thank you all.

FreedomCA

The only thing that really helped me was hanging out with other sober people in AA. Nothing else worked for me.

least

I stay sober because I want to be sober more than anything. I don't find it boring at all. And the only people I don't want to be around (who aren't 'fun') are drunks. It takes a while to get used to a sober life. But I like being sober so much, I wouldn't drink for all the money in the world.

MindfulMan

1. Find fun that doesn't involve alcohol. Physical things worked for me, picking up old hobbies. Push your boundaries and get some adrenalin pumping...zip lining, tough hikes, skydiving, anything that challenges you that you would never do while drinking. Cooking classes, tennis, whatever floats your boat. Stop looking at this negatively and get out there and do stuff you'd never do while drinking due to the body not being in optimal shape, or devoting far too much time to drinking.
2. I isolated when I first got out of rehab (I'm 4 months sober, and felt a lot like you did at 2 months). I've started a great mix of finding sober people to hang out with, or at least people who rarely drink. Many of my party friends now have kids, so they've limited their drinking and whatever. Another group of friends was VERY supportive of my sobriety, and continue to be so. I see them as well. No more parties, as those generally revolved around wine tasting (I was a trained wine scholar), but still go out to dinner....Mexican food on Thursday. They had margies, I had a virgin strawberry blended and was quite happy with the conversation. Your tolerance of people will increase and your boredom with them will decrease over time.
3. For remaining sober, negative associations with withdrawal will only get you so far in the long term. As you become more at ease with people and fun in sobriety, concentrate on those positive thoughts and feelings. 12 Step meetings definitely do help, but may times so does psychotherapy, or a spiritual practice such as mindfulness/meditation/yoga, church if that's your thing, or alternative groups listed in the Secular Recovery section of this site, in addition to or instead of AA (I do a number of things). Don't knock medication to deal with underlying anxiety, depression, anhedonia, bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, etc. etc. etc. Even in the short term, meds can help the brain rewire and return some pleasure to your life.

Anna

I think you can find lots of things to do and lots of ways to socialize that don't involve alcohol. I couldn't be around people drinking alcohol for many months after I stopped drinking. It was probably about 10 months of sobriety before I ventured into a get together involving alcohol. I think if your friends are judgemental that you are not drinking, it might be an idea to step back from them for awhile, until you feel more sure of yourself.

Meeting friends for coffee is a good way to socialize. I think it's important to find ways to have fun, and at the same time to accept that maybe you just don't enjoy the same kinds of things you used to do.

August252015

Good job on quitting! It will keep getting better -

For me....my life in sobriety (I am almost 19 mo) is far better and more full than anything I had when drinking. By the end, I was isolated and so sick - before it got to that point....it seemed like years of fun in a sense but since alcoholism is a progressive disease, the fun, the happy, the friendliness - all of that left long before I quit, sadly.

I am also an AA person and I spend a lot of time working my program. I don't just socialize with AA people but I DO ruthlessly select who gets me time- and only people who are trying to be their own best selves (alcoholic or not) get my time. I was slow to rebuild a social life - I learned to be happy alone, and spent a lot of time reading (as well as going to meetings) when I was first getting sober.

Volunteering, now running and yoga, my passion for working with an industry recovery group for alcohol and drug addicts (I have been in the restaurant industry for the last decade and it's rampant with addiction)....there is SO much more I CAN do because I am sober- and I GET to.

Have you talked to your husband about your loneliness? Your mom? A support network is so important for our recovery, as is a program for learning a new life.

It's also a great thing to have our SR friends, and know we can check in any time. Perhaps look at threads like The Class of July 2017 for folks who quit when you did, and other Newcomers Daily Support.

You can stay sober- like I said, it keeps getting better the longer you do- promise.

Take care of yourself.

55YODrankDaily7

I started drinking every day at about 47 (now 55) and it was also because of boredom. I live in Japan and guys really have to look hard to socialize without drinking.

Dee74

hi and welcome Jana

My old life revolved around drinking - so my new life needed to be different.

I had to work pretty hard in the early days - I lost a lot of friends who really were just drinking buddies - but I gained a few new friends and reconnected with a lot of old one who my drinking had pushed away.

I also had to look at my idea of fun. For many many years my ideas of fun came from a bottle.

I had to cast my mind back to a time when that wasn't so.

I also had to look over the things that used to 'make' me drink -anger, loneliness, boredom, fear - and dedicate myself to finding new ways to deal with those kind of feelings.

I'd become accustomed to sitting on the couch and drinking...I needed to get change that - sometimes fun and a well lived life takes a little effort.

It might sound like a mountain of work - but it's really not - drinking like we do takes a lot of effort too - you just have to refocus that effort and drive

Support helps and you'll find a lot of that here.

I'm eternally thankful I got sober- I rediscovered a me I'd all but forgotten existed - I hope you will too Jana

D

Dee74

Welcome to you too 55YODrankDaily7

I live in Australia - when I was drinking, everyone seemed to drink - no exceptions.

Now I see that not everyone drinks.

There must be a million things to do in a great country like Japan that don't necessarily include alcohol?

D

Inchworm

Sobriety honors life by allowing us to fully feel the pain of living. Without the pain there really is no opportunity to feel life fully. We grow in wisdom. Now when the sun rises, my grandchildren laugh, and I am sitting with my husband - these simple joys make my love soar. There is no comparison between now and my drinking past. I hope you find this, too!

NewMe11109

Hi Jana724 and 55YODrankDaily7 -

Welcome. You've already gotten some good advice. I think boredom is normal (as in "how can I ever have fun again without alcohol") but you will find it gets better with time. I've got 8+ years of sobriety and I still get bored sometimes. But, now my thought isn't to fill the boredom with alcohol, but rather to just go do something that I haven't done in a while or try something new.

I choose not to do certain activities that are centered around drinking (wine tasting trips, pub crawls, etc.), but just about everything else can be done successfully without drinking, it just takes some time and it is best to be patient with oneself. Pretty quickly people stop asking about why I'm not drinking. Looking back, I was the one who thought everybody was judging me for not drinking, when frankly, they were thinking about something totally different.

As addicts, we need to be careful that we don't transfer our addictions on to some other activity, but in the early days of sobriety, if you get on a real exercise kick, it isn't going to kill you, but it is important to take care of oneself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

For me, I wrote down bucket-list items (even though I was in my 30s) and then picked a couple that I wanted to do now. I also was active in AA and was of service to others. I found that volunteering time to help others was a great way to interact with people (and have fun and build confidence back that I wasn't a total bore) in an environment where drinking wasn't ever part of the activity.

Early sobriety is tough, but the key is not to do it alone. Post on SR, attend AA, join some other sobriety group -- whatever. The key is taking action and reaching out to others for help. Remember, that you are helping us stay sober too, so it is a win-win for all.

Take care.

NewMe

Zanna

I also, used to drink out of lonliness and boredom, then one day I realised that the room I was sitting in feeling lonely and bored, would be the exact same room, whether I was drinking or not. Only difference would be, that if I drank I'd be in less of a position to go out and change that lonliness and boredom.

It really does get easier the further you are from that last drink. I promise

Renvate

Recently my urge and strength to stop has become stronger and stronger, one massive change I noticed is that I actually now enjoy being sober. And ive stopped viewing being sober as boring.

Because the wreck I am when Iam on alcohol is enough to value a sober head.

Iam only on day 2, but I know the amazing feeling of going for weeks, gonna really try hard to make it stick this time.

Mizzuno

Everything changes when a person becomes sober. Our time is now filled with productivity (we can hope) and a different set of eyes to see the world with.

I am not much of a social person. My career involves working with many people each day and by the time the weekend roles around, I am done. I dont want to see many people or have activities that involve a lot of socializing.

My fun consists of: Daily workouts, Netflix, getting together with a friend on the weekend for coffee, thrift store hunting, reading, web surfing, trying to enjoy gardening, getting this house together that we just purchased, playing with my cats, eating good food, relaxing with my husband.....

There are many things that you can do that do not involve alcohol. I do not put myself in situations where a lot of alcohol is present. Its not enjoyable to me.

You can do this! Keep up the good work

Zebra1275

You are not really having fun when you are drinking, you just think you are.

Alcohol lies to you in many ways. Its progressive and negatively impacts your life in so many ways.

Given enough time it will negatively impact your marriage, your relationships with friends and family, your job, your financial well being, your health and your self esteem to just name a few.

I was alone when I drank last time.

And that's were you will probably be at the end.

Sorry to be so blunt, but what I just said to you, is something I wish someone would have confronted with me with, years ago.

Actually, I probably knew all this stuff, but I was in denial pretty bad. If you want to change your life, stick around this website everyday, and go to a few AA meetings to get a taste for that.

Jana724

Thank you all so much for your advices and comments. I can't tell you how helpful this has been! This Friday I'll have family coming for weekend and that's one of my big triggers - dinners, talking, drinks... honestly two days ago for moment I just played with idea of giving up for one night and do what I did so many times. Sneaking that wine bottle in laundry room and secretly drink it over night so I can have "fun" too. As if that bottle would change how much I would enjoy time with my family - how dumb. Reading these comments gave me such a strength, I'm not worrying as much. Of course it won't be easy but I feel stronger and really proud to be sober. I really loved the comment "remember you are also helping us to stay sober" that really gave me sense of responsibility even when no one is looking. It's so nice communicating with people who can relate to my problem. Thank you all.

Andagain

1. I got a whole bunch of hobbies. Being sober is more fun than being drunk, but you have to work at it. Cooking, Writing, Working Out, Reading, all worked for me, but we're all different.
2. I hang around people who don't drink much or at all, basically. Socialising sober is only tricky because you're not used to it, you'll probably find sober the company and conversation is a whole lot more interesting.
3. I am a big believer in a taking it one day at a time approach, most importantly for me it was about coming up with a plan and sticking to it, I plan out my days so I don't get bored and I ride out the cravings. Most importantly I made a serious plan regarding my mental health. So I'd say making a plan and getting to the route of the problem is most important. I always found the painful memories of drinking were never motivation enough.

PhoenixJ

My NEED to get (and stay) sober had to out weight my WANT to be pissed. I put as much effort into sobriety as I did in getting drunk. I used to romanticise booze- 'a nice red with that steak', or ' A good ale will be great with that cheese'.
It is crap thinking. I drank- to get drunk. All else was excuses- ways to make drinking look normal or desirable.