Struggling so hard to take the first step.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Ames, Iowa
Posts: 15
Struggling so hard to take the first step.
Hi all, I've just recently joined this forum, hope to meet and chat with some great new people. I hope to find support and advice, and I hope I can give some in return. My biggest issue is that I can't even manage to get through a single day clean yet...I can't manage to not give in...I will find my way.
Bless and good luck to you all. I am here if anyone wants to talk.
Pharma
Bless and good luck to you all. I am here if anyone wants to talk.
Pharma
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 184
Me too
I want so badly to stop. But I keep finding excuses to keep drinking. I'm glad I stumbled on this website and I hope that instead of drinking I can come here and find people who are struggling like me and talk through it instead of taking a drink. I've even considered taking antabuse even though I know enough time hasn't passed and I could get sick... in fact I think I would take it to make myself sick to try to teach myself a lesson so maybe that would give me the strength to stop.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Glad to meet you, Pharma! You don't have to go through this alone.
KG77 - Good to have you join us, too. Plenty of encouragement & understanding here.
KG77 - Good to have you join us, too. Plenty of encouragement & understanding here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
Hi Pharma & you too KG - welcome 
Post as much as you like, read around, see what others are doing..and why not check out our Class Of September support thread - it's for anyone quitting drugs/alcohol this month
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-1-a-19.html
If you want to, all you need to do to join is post
D
Post as much as you like, read around, see what others are doing..and why not check out our Class Of September support thread - it's for anyone quitting drugs/alcohol this month
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-1-a-19.html
If you want to, all you need to do to join is post
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Ames, Iowa
Posts: 15
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for your responses Carl, Anna, KG, Hevyn, Dee!! This is terribly embarrassing, I didn't realize I had responses on this post, I thought I would receive a notification of some type! My apologies everyone...hopefully I will still get a couple readers with this comment.
To answer some of your questions, if anyone happens to come back, my drug of choice is pot. Which partly explains why I haven't come back to this post since my initial posting, I am forgetful and have pretty bad ADHD. I live with my girlfriend of over 4 years. We are both very heavy smokers; we started smoking regularly due to a bad living environment we had to be in. Needless to say, we took our coping mechanism with us and it remained our way of living since.
I smoke daily. As soon as I wake, through the day/night, and of course I need it to sleep, ha ha! I am only abstinent at work, though I do smoke beforehand.
Yes, I do have a plan that I will be working on today, it is a recovery plan that I found on here, thanks to Dee! I am off of work and already have this binder put together and started on. Tomorrow will be my first full day sober. My SO is very supportive and we love each other very much. Though it will be difficult when she is still smoking. I have done it before, I can do it again.
Lastly, I have had major problems with booze in the past...so I will be making a point to also abstain from all alcohol. I simply can't handle it and will be switching addictions in a heartbeat. I haven't really drank in the past couple years, but these past few days I have been drinking a lot, just knowing that I am approaching a major, permanent lifestyle transformation. Makes me anxious. I am successfully clean from smoking tobacco, though, 2 years almost!!
Thank you all for your support, so much,
much love,
pharma
To answer some of your questions, if anyone happens to come back, my drug of choice is pot. Which partly explains why I haven't come back to this post since my initial posting, I am forgetful and have pretty bad ADHD. I live with my girlfriend of over 4 years. We are both very heavy smokers; we started smoking regularly due to a bad living environment we had to be in. Needless to say, we took our coping mechanism with us and it remained our way of living since.
I smoke daily. As soon as I wake, through the day/night, and of course I need it to sleep, ha ha! I am only abstinent at work, though I do smoke beforehand.
Yes, I do have a plan that I will be working on today, it is a recovery plan that I found on here, thanks to Dee! I am off of work and already have this binder put together and started on. Tomorrow will be my first full day sober. My SO is very supportive and we love each other very much. Though it will be difficult when she is still smoking. I have done it before, I can do it again.
Lastly, I have had major problems with booze in the past...so I will be making a point to also abstain from all alcohol. I simply can't handle it and will be switching addictions in a heartbeat. I haven't really drank in the past couple years, but these past few days I have been drinking a lot, just knowing that I am approaching a major, permanent lifestyle transformation. Makes me anxious.
I am successfully clean from smoking tobacco, though, 2 years almost!! Thank you all for your support, so much,
much love,
pharma
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Steps 1-3
Originally Posted by Pharma
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for your responses Carl, Anna, KG, Hevyn, Dee!! This is terribly embarrassing, I didn't realize I had responses on this post, I thought I would receive a notification of some type! My apologies everyone...hopefully I will still get a couple readers with this comment.
To answer some of your questions, if anyone happens to come back, my drug of choice is pot. Which partly explains why I haven't come back to this post since my initial posting, I am forgetful and have pretty bad ADHD. I live with my girlfriend of over 4 years. We are both very heavy smokers; we started smoking regularly due to a bad living environment we had to be in. Needless to say, we took our coping mechanism with us and it remained our way of living since.
I smoke daily. As soon as I wake, through the day/night, and of course I need it to sleep, ha ha! I am only abstinent at work, though I do smoke beforehand.
Yes, I do have a plan that I will be working on today, it is a recovery plan that I found on here, thanks to Dee! I am off of work and already have this binder put together and started on. Tomorrow will be my first full day sober. My SO is very supportive and we love each other very much. Though it will be difficult when she is still smoking. I have done it before, I can do it again.
Lastly, I have had major problems with booze in the past...so I will be making a point to also abstain from all alcohol. I simply can't handle it and will be switching addictions in a heartbeat. I haven't really drank in the past couple years, but these past few days I have been drinking a lot, just knowing that I am approaching a major, permanent lifestyle transformation. Makes me anxious. I am successfully clean from smoking tobacco, though, 2 years almost!!
Thank you all for your support, so much,
much love,
pharma
To answer some of your questions, if anyone happens to come back, my drug of choice is pot. Which partly explains why I haven't come back to this post since my initial posting, I am forgetful and have pretty bad ADHD. I live with my girlfriend of over 4 years. We are both very heavy smokers; we started smoking regularly due to a bad living environment we had to be in. Needless to say, we took our coping mechanism with us and it remained our way of living since.
I smoke daily. As soon as I wake, through the day/night, and of course I need it to sleep, ha ha! I am only abstinent at work, though I do smoke beforehand.
Yes, I do have a plan that I will be working on today, it is a recovery plan that I found on here, thanks to Dee! I am off of work and already have this binder put together and started on. Tomorrow will be my first full day sober. My SO is very supportive and we love each other very much. Though it will be difficult when she is still smoking. I have done it before, I can do it again.
Lastly, I have had major problems with booze in the past...so I will be making a point to also abstain from all alcohol. I simply can't handle it and will be switching addictions in a heartbeat. I haven't really drank in the past couple years, but these past few days I have been drinking a lot, just knowing that I am approaching a major, permanent lifestyle transformation. Makes me anxious.
I am successfully clean from smoking tobacco, though, 2 years almost!! Thank you all for your support, so much,
much love,
pharma
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,979
Originally Posted by Pharma
Tomorrow will be my first full day sober.
9/21/17
post tomorrow and receive a (virtual) 24 hour chip !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Ames, Iowa
Posts: 15
Svaughn, welcome and thank you for taking time to comment! I appreciate your advice; it is humbling to know that you're posting even while in such a difficult place. You are making great, difficult first steps and I believe in your ability to find yourself in a happier, healthier state. Keep pushing. I have actually been reading a lot of literature from the marijuana anonymous website, or M.A. so I have actually been trying to follow the steps myself. I have read up until step 7, but I am not actually taking these steps literallly, more so just educating myself on the program to see if I want to do it in full. The program is supposed to be the same as AA from what I have heard. Love and peace to you on your journey, hope to see you around!
January, hello and thank you for your response! I will check back in tomorrow. But to be clear, I will quit smoking tonight before or by midnight, and then that will mark the true beginning of my journey. I should have my plan written out and all set in my binder by then to aid me on my first few days especially. Thanks again!
pharma
Keep pushing. I have actually been reading a lot of literature from the marijuana anonymous website, or M.A. so I have actually been trying to follow the steps myself. I have read up until step 7, but I am not actually taking these steps literallly, more so just educating myself on the program to see if I want to do it in full. The program is supposed to be the same as AA from what I have heard. Love and peace to you on your journey, hope to see you around!January, hello and thank you for your response! I will check back in tomorrow.
But to be clear, I will quit smoking tonight before or by midnight, and then that will mark the true beginning of my journey. I should have my plan written out and all set in my binder by then to aid me on my first few days especially. Thanks again! pharma
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Pharma - I commend you for recognizing what needs to happen. I have friends who didn't think their pot smoking was any big deal. Over the decades, very bad things happened. Forgetfulness was the least of it.
My doc is alcohol. I used it as a coping mechanism too. Many years and much chaos later, I realized it was anything but a help. I wasn't dealing with my problems or feelings in a natural way. Being numb and foggy gets nothing accomplished - we don't grow. Maturing and learning to deal with life was put on hold while I zoned out. I'm glad you've decided to put together a plan. You can do it, Pharma.
My doc is alcohol. I used it as a coping mechanism too. Many years and much chaos later, I realized it was anything but a help. I wasn't dealing with my problems or feelings in a natural way. Being numb and foggy gets nothing accomplished - we don't grow. Maturing and learning to deal with life was put on hold while I zoned out. I'm glad you've decided to put together a plan. You can do it, Pharma.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Pharma,
My donc is alcohol, but my is very dangerous to me. The last time I had a puff a drink was down my neck in seconds. It seemed to activate the craving.
MA sounds like a good fit for you. I think the most important thing is to choose your program, and then give it everything.
The steps are a spiritual path to recovery, whether AA or MA. The objective is to bring about a change of personality sufficient to overcome the addiction/s. In my experience it brought on a completely different outlook on life where drinking was no longer necessary. The drinking stopped almost as a side benefit of the new way of living and thinking.
The trouble is the steps can't be understood in adavance, if at all. They can only be experienced. The big book describes some of the experiences associated with the steps in the form of promises ( as we like to call them) but when I read these before taking the steps, they didn't mean much as they were mostly beyond my experience. There is one that often comes to mind. "We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. " my first thought was I never experienced the old freedom and happiness, so what are they talking about? It didn't mean anything.
But when I took the steps, had the experience, then read about it in the book, those promises all came to life. They were describing my experience exactly. The book and the people of the fellowship had actually been telling me the truth.
And they were telling the truth when they said that half measures availed us nothing. It is pretty much an all or nothing program, if you want what we have. If you give it everything, you will be amazed.
My donc is alcohol, but my is very dangerous to me. The last time I had a puff a drink was down my neck in seconds. It seemed to activate the craving.
MA sounds like a good fit for you. I think the most important thing is to choose your program, and then give it everything.
The steps are a spiritual path to recovery, whether AA or MA. The objective is to bring about a change of personality sufficient to overcome the addiction/s. In my experience it brought on a completely different outlook on life where drinking was no longer necessary. The drinking stopped almost as a side benefit of the new way of living and thinking.
The trouble is the steps can't be understood in adavance, if at all. They can only be experienced. The big book describes some of the experiences associated with the steps in the form of promises ( as we like to call them) but when I read these before taking the steps, they didn't mean much as they were mostly beyond my experience. There is one that often comes to mind. "We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. " my first thought was I never experienced the old freedom and happiness, so what are they talking about? It didn't mean anything.
But when I took the steps, had the experience, then read about it in the book, those promises all came to life. They were describing my experience exactly. The book and the people of the fellowship had actually been telling me the truth.
And they were telling the truth when they said that half measures availed us nothing. It is pretty much an all or nothing program, if you want what we have. If you give it everything, you will be amazed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Welcome Pharma and KG! You will find so much support on this site. The September class is a great resource, and so is the 24 hour thread, I check in there daily, and it is a wonderful group.
The beginning days are tough, but hang in there because it gets easier each day, and sobriety is so worth it!
I'm glad you are here, and looking forward to following your recovery journey!
The beginning days are tough, but hang in there because it gets easier each day, and sobriety is so worth it!
I'm glad you are here, and looking forward to following your recovery journey!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Pharma
...I have read up until step 7, but I am not actually taking these steps literallly, more so just educating myself on the program to see if I want to do it in full. The program is supposed to be the same as AA from what I have heard. ...
I have plenty of friends who go to two different fellowships - the ones I know round here tend to have their sponsor and work their steps with someone in AA, just because round here that's what's been going longest, there are more meetings, longer recovery and more committed fellowship. In a bigger city that could easily be different but it might be worth bearing in mind.
Jo and Charlies step studies are great to listen to if you want to find out more about step work - lots on youtube you can listen to. But it's like reading about a gym - nothing changes til we find the willingness and do the work ourselves. I learned that the hard way - sitting in AA meetings for 6 months unwilling to get a sponsor of do the step work . Sure I wasn't drinking, but I wasn't recovering either. I hit a new rock bottom at about 6 months that eventually brought about the willingness in me. For such a smart cookie (haha) I sure am a s l o w learner!!
Anway - how your week continues well. Keep up the sober days.
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