icandothis20

Hi Guys,

I am only on my second week of sobriety. I wrote before about how I have two destination weddings coming up, they are both all inclusive. The first one is my best friends, which I am a bridesmaid in, In Jamaicca, and it is in 8 weeks, and the second one is my own wedding in 5 months (thought that would be a great idea, when I was still drinking) and it is in Mayan Riviera.
I have known my drinking has been bad for a while. But I actually told myself I would quit after these two weddings, well it didn't exactly work that way, I knew I had to quit now.
Both of these I am 100% going to, obviously, they are done and paid for and we have 50+ guests coming.
I am thinking about how am I going to do this. I know I cannot drink, not even a drop.
These are my thoughts: getting ready in the bridal suite, all the girls will be drinking champagne, the champagne toast, the dance and huge celebration... to say I'm freaking out is an understatement.
For my own wedding, my family is all HEAVY drinkers, except my mom, and all my friends are huge partiers. I am scared ******** about the party for my own wedding and not drinking and being around all those people who trigger me badly.
I have social anxiety too... so .. I'm scared walking down the aisle even without a drink to loosen up. Yikes man.
Can anybody give me any advice? My fiancé is totally supportive and on board with my sobriety, but even he will be enjoying beers with the boys and drinking at the after reception... he is the most normal drinker I know.
Any advice is highly appreciated....

ScottFromWI

If you re-read your message, it almost sounds like you are setting yourself up for failure....you say you are going no matter what but then list a half dozen reasons why you shouldn't go. Not calling you out at all...re-read your message as if someone else had written it and think of what you'd say ;-)

So if you are going "no matter what" - some things you can do.

1. Stay away from the boozy crowd. The idea that "everyone drinks" is a very alcoholic thought. Everyone doesn't drink, and there will be plenty of people there that aren't. "All inclusive" doesn't mean "Alcohol required" Why not ask your mom what she plans on doing? If she doesn't drink i'm sure she doesn't just plan on sitting in a chair doing nothing the whole time, right?

2. Find other activities. Both of the locations you mention will have a wide variety of things to do that don't involve drinking. Both places are natural paradises and you could spend weeks exploring.

3. Attend the things that really matter for the wedding - like the ceremony. Remember that the couple getting married are there for a purpose a lot bigger than getting drunk. You can skip out of the reception early and no one will really even know. Or find out what all the people who aren't drinking are doing - because you'll be surprised that a lot of people even at wedding receptions do not drink.

Anna

All I can say is that I couldn't have done that. I had to make my recovery a priority. I would have found those situations far too stressful. For your own wedding, it should be up to you whether there is alcohol served or not, I think? I've been to a couple of weddings where alcohol was not served and everyone had a good time. Other than that, I really have no advice, but I wish you well.

doggonecarl

For your wedding, make it a "No Alcohol Allowed" reception.

For your best friend's wedding, I hope you find the strength to remain sober.

hpdw

Sometimes we cant get out of things . On this note I mention a nephew,s 18th birthday party in October . My safety net is i,m driving to it and set the time from 8pm -10.30pm . I detest birthday parties or any kind of party ,bahumbug ? no i,m a wreck being surrounded by loud drunk people . If I am asked to dance I feel sick ,let me get home ........... Thats a snippet of how socially awkward I am .

FreedomCA

Maybe bring a few of your favorite prayers with you that you can read when feeling tempted. Rely on your Higher Power's help and guidance.

icandothis20

I need to go prepared with a whole arsenal of things.. daily prayer and mediation.. a book about EVERY single reason I can not drink and carry it with me and read it daily.. even on my wedding day.

Would it be crazy to ask my fiancé not to drink on our wedding day? I can manage every other day there... but the big wedding celebration is really weighing on me... is it selfish to say he not drink when he isn't the one with the problem?

doggonecarl

You said your boyfriend is " ... the most normal drinker I know."

If that's the case, wouldn't he be fine with no drinking? And if he can't, if he insists on drinking, then who's selfish?

You could always skip your own reception, especially if it's only an excuse for all the guests to get drunk. It's not unheard of.

I was best man at my friend's wedding. Fifteen minutes after the reception started, they got in a car and headed off to their honeymoon. He had told me he was so disgusted with the in-fighting and competition between the in-laws that they could leave fast enough. And as I recalled, no one left at the reception cared one bit that the bride and groom weren't there.

ScottFromWI

It wouldn't be crazy to ask this and it would be a supportive thing for him to do, but also be prepared for the possibility that he would say no too. If he's a "normal" drinker he won't be drinking a lot anyway so it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Also keep in mind that you shouldn't be basing your sobriety on the actions of others. Whether he is drinking or not drinking should really have no bearing on whether you drink or not. There will always be temptation out there.

Finally, remember that by going on this trip you are choosing to put yourself in an extremely difficult situation. Even though the trip is paid for lock stock and barrel, not going IS still an option. People miss important events for all sorts of reasons and if you think its a big enough threat to your sobriety, that's a valid reason as there is.

icandothis20

Good advice. I need to worry about what I am doing, not what others are doing. I can always go back to my hotel room, re group, go into the lobby, log into SR and ask for help, and I really like the advice that even I can dip out of my own ceremony early if everyone is there to get bombed. My recovery is way more important. I talked to fiancé and he said he has no problem not drinking at either vacation and he is going to plan tons of stuff for us to do instead of sitting around.. going fishing, exploring the ruins etc., so that makes me feel a lot better about it.
After I get through these two vacations I wont be putting myself in these situations again unless I feel more stable.
Thank you!

tomsteve

you are allowed to make your bridal suite alcohol free.
its YOUR wedding and NOT anyone elses- you are allowed to set boundaries.

Dee74

Some great advice here icandothis.

I can only reiterate that you should treat your recovery like a precious jewel....we all should.

I decided to 'take one night off recovery and get back to sobriety the next morning'.

That was 2004 - I didn't stop drinking - daily all day drinking - again til 2007.

The decisions we make can have far reaching consequences.
I'm glad I took some hard decisions in my early weeks - it's part of the reason I'm still sober.

If you're sure nothing can be done about either occasion, this may be helpful

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)

D

DangerZone

I have a similar story. I had 7-years-sober, took a night off of sobriety like an idiot. Then drank for 2.5 years hardcore. Then I had 4-months sober, got offered a beer by some guy who was fixing my car. Took one sip to be 'polite', after that I bought a case and went out partying the next night.

I been drinking hardcore again for the past 6-months. Now things have gotten so bad I am pretty much forced to quit although I do want to. This time for good.

Learn from my mistakes and others. Don't underestimate alcohol. It is a powerful drug. Just be really careful! If other people want to drink, who cares. Let them but don't let them influence your actions. Don't even take a sip of alcohol in either occasion. We have to face the fact that we cannot drink if we want to live the life we deserve.

You can do it! I believe in you and we are all in your corner rooting for you and here for support.

August252015

First, congratulations on your engagement and coming wedding! I am in the same boat and it is really priceless.

Second....I am of a very, VERY strident opinion that NO event, birthday, WEDDING, anything would be worth risking my sobriety. As in...backing out of this first event would be completely on my table.

Third....I am almost 19 mo sober (this coming week) and my fiance is 15 mo sober. We are getting married (sometime) next year and we won't be having alcohol at our wedding/reception. Frankly? I expect EVERYONE there to 1 understand it's not "our thing" and 2 be A-OK with no alcohol. If someone has a problem- we made a mistake inviting them.

Perhaps I seem extreme to some - I have no fear of drinking as my problem has been removed thanks to a dedicated AA program- but I simply don't include alcohol in my life, or events where it might annoy (note: not tempt) me. Period. Because even more extreme? DYING from drinking.

Just my $0.02 plus.

Caprice6

I have a feeling you will pull through it. You have 1 job, other than getting hitched, and if you make it a priority, tell yourself nothing will sway you from your goal, focus on other things or bring tools along if it gets hard, you'll do just fine.
It's your wedding! Don't give alcohol so much focus and let it keep you from enjoying your day and once in a lifetime happy event!

Shitzupuppy

Along with what others said, tell the main people at your friends wedding that you are not drinking. Tell them in advance. Tell them it is important to you and ASK them for help. Tell them you do not want to feel pressure to drink with them and that you still have the same affection for the bride and it's no dis to her.
ASK them to help you stay sober.
That means not 1 sip. Tell THEM that's what it means and tell them in advance not to suggest it to you.
Your friends will help you.
I was recently at something and wanted some champagne with everyone else. My good friend who knows, said she would cry if I broke my sobriety. That made me feel good.

icandothis20

Thanks so much for all the advice. I am going to protect it like a precious jewel like dee said yes I am there to get married and my other priority is stay sober no matter what anybody else says! I do have a bit of a problem with caring what other people think but I really agree it's MY wedding. There will be no pre drinking in the suite before the wedding. I will run to the lobby go on wifi and log in here if I have even an inkling of weakness! You guys can talk me off the cliff! Really appreciate the stories of how 1 drink had you gone again. I know if I drank on my wedding, the rest of the week I would be smashed, because hey... I already drank! And it wojld continue at home... good stuff friends. Thanks!

FreedomCA

The last thing you want is to relapse on your wedding day, get trashed each day thereafter, do crazy and foolish things like we all did when drinking, and have your new husband regret he married you because you did something outrageous. You could potentially be looking at a marriage and separation/divorce all in the same week. Nothing surprises me anymore with alcoholism.😊

Ironhorse1

I know this won't be the most popular suggestion, but if you are 100% going to these all-inclusive resorts and want to remain 100% sober, Antabuse could be useful to help get you through the trips. I know a lot of people say it's a crutch or a band-aid solution (and I guess it is), but if you want to eliminate the possibility of drinking, it can be a useful tool. I look at it like this...if I suffered from depression (or any other illness for that matter), I would take whatever meds I needed to deal with it. Alcoholism, like any other "illness" requires a lot of work (mentally, physically, spiritually) to overcome, and it's my opinion that taking a pill for a while to help maintain sobriety during a high risk period is a smart move. The other benefit is that it will remove the option for you and clear up your headspace so you can enjoy the trips rather than obsessing over it the whole week. From experience, I can tell you it's torture going to an all inclusive watching everybody else drinking while your sitting there in your lounger battling with your AV all week. For my upcoming all inclusive trip Antabuse will be the first item I pack!