sky90

Hello.

I've had a difficult few years. However, this past year I began therapy consistently, made it 11 months clean and even got into grad school (which I later rejected due to financial reasons)

In July, I relapsed and a few days ago I used again. My DOC is Meth.

My therapist recently told me that she believes I have Bipolar Disorder and referred me to a program that specifically deals with it (The program begins in about a month)

I have a few family members in my life that I love a lot. I pray on daily basis and fear God and want to go to heaven at end of it all.

However, since my most recent relapse, I have begun to think of ending my life. I know there are many hotlines and resources to help with suicidal thoughts. And I may be feeling this because of the withdrawal.

But I honestly don't know how much more I can deal with addiction. I did a geographical once but had to come back due to financial reasons, I went to therapy, I tried AA for a few months but group sharing just wasn't my thing..

The main point is I don't think I am made for this life. Holding a consistent job, having a partner that I love and want to marry, being happy...these are things that I cannot attain no matter what I do.

Is all this pain and suffering worth it? Because it is NOT going away and my various attempts of a life without drugs or my unstable mental state are getting too much for me.

I don't feel like I want to keep trying anymore. I have to admit I don't like physical pain so there is a fear of that if I did try to end my life and I also do believe in God and suicide is a major sin but so is using drugs and all the terrible/horrific things I think while I use...and I just don't want to be in that state ever again but after a few months sober the thoughts will come back to use...this never ending cycle is just not for me...

Hope others can understand what I am feeling.

Anna

I'm very sorry you feel so low. I know how discouraging it is when you relapse and how hard it is to keep on trying. I sincerely hope you will not give up on yourself. Your therapist suspects you have Bipolar disorder. It seems like it would so helpful to get referred to a dr who can diagnose you and offer treatment. Bipolar disorder can be treated. I'm glad you will be in a program that deals with your disorder and I hope that helps you. Keep trying to find something that works for you.

Gottalife

Maybe try NA or CA. AA is for alcoholism and doesn't have any solution for meth addiction. I imagine AA would have made as much sense to you as NA does to me.

Midwest1981

I think you should be very proud of yourself for continuing to work on these problems. It takes time and you have been working hard the way it sounds. Keep fighting. I think this program that is coming up in a month sounds really promising for you.
God loves you too and hasn't given up on you. You can't give up when something good is right around the corner.

sky90

Thank you. I am scared of trying and failing again and feel like a broken record. I wish there was an easy solution to all this. I am trying to make a list of things I can do to keep away from using again.

To be honest I don't have a relationship with any "dealers" most of the people I meet that use my DOC are from gay hookup sites online...I was thinking of just living my life without a computer at least for a year ...but how can I when I use my computer to apply for jobs etc. I was thinking of giving my computer away at night to the person that lives with me (when the cravings usually arise) but I might come up with a lie and just ask for the computer again...

sky90

Thank you. To be honest I have never been comfortable talking about my feelings in a group setting when it comes to my addiction/mental health issues. I don't think NA, CA, or AA would work for me. But I will try to keep an open mind.

sky90

Thank you for the kind words. It's a vicious disease and often extremely scary because I feel out of control. And it's even more upsetting because the person I live with has been seeing me struggle with this issue. I don't want to hurt or burden others with this disease.

Midwest1981

I am sure the person you live with can tell you are working on things. I hope your job search goes well....maybe it will be in the evenings. I think that may help out too.

sky90

I honestly think ridding myself of internet and phone for a year might be a good option for me if I want to reach at least a full year of sobriety...

what do you guys think?

It will be hard and I will get bored but porn, hookup sites, and hookup apps seem to be my issue and connection to using...

It may be considered "hiding" from the world but I would rather live like the Amish then become the person I have become...

When I was sober for 11 months, the first 5 months I had no phone or access to internet..then I purchased a new computer and phone (because I thought I was all better) and 6 months later I relapsed...maybe the key for me is to just not have a computer/wi-fi.

What do you guys think? I mean go to any lengths right?

Caprice6

It's possible to block certain sites that may lure you into using (have your roommate know the password).
The internet can be an informative place, and you can find support online as well such as here.
You don't have to be a shut-in and isolate yourself completely.
You're only human, don't feel so guilty and ashamed about being a burden or relapsing. I cannot count the times I have relapsed and put myself through nightmarish withdrawals. Keep trying, you're never alone.

sky90

Agreed. The internet is an informative place but it can also be a haven for someone addicted to porn and random hook ups. It is my gateway to all my terrible addictive behaviors. If I am without it I will have a harder time communicating with others and getting new opportunities but if I re-evaluate every time I have relapsed it somehow leads me back to my computer/internet.

Blocking certain sites is a good idea but I know I don't have the self-control to keep those sites blocked.

My cycle of using: Good amount of time sober---temptation for pornography (computer)...temptation for sex....hook-up site visit (computer)...find someone that's using my DOC from the site (computer)...RELAPSE

miamifella

I think that ridding yourself of a computer or phone may help in the short run, but do not deal with the fundamental issues underlying your drug use.

Changing exterior circumstances alone cannot do it. You eventually have to change yourself.

Therapy is a good start. If your therapist has diagnosed you as bi-polar you may want to discuss further treatment options. The program is a good idea, but you may want to discuss other forms of therapy and medication as well.

I know you do not like to share in groups, but you might still want to give it a try. You do not have to share your deepest pain or secrets--12-step recovery is not group therapy. Even if you decide to opt out, I think the important thing is to try things till you find what works--even if you are not comfortable. You talk about going to any lengths...

It may be hard, but it sounds like you really are looking for recovery, which is half the battle.

Better times are ahead.

sky90

I really am looking for recovery and I have tried various ways to attain long term sobriety...to be honest I think what makes it so hard is the easy access of my DOC via internet

Yes I completely agree that changing myself is most important which is why geographics usually don't work (it usually is running away from yourself) and therapy really has been helping let go of all the childhood trauma etc. BUT when it comes to using..I often feel completely OUT OF CONTROL..I am not myself and I put myself in an extremely self-destructive situation by meeting a total stranger to get my "fix".

Thanks for the hope and I truly do want better times ahead. However, I know that my issue with using is extremely tricky. I am now 26 and this started when I was 21...I have been to rehab, I have move away, I have tried to keep busy...and this year was therapy which helped me get to 11 months but clearly something larger is at play as I relapsed again...

Right now my head is at completely staying away from internet/computer until I get a serious amount of time clean and that will be hard to maintain if I try to do a masters program which requires internet access but I am reaching a desperate point where taking the risk of isolation via living without a computer for a long long amount of time might be my only saving grace...

As far as 12 step recovery I may give it another go but I truly truly don't think it's for me but I will of course always keep an open mind.

sky90

By the way thanks to everyone that wrote on here today it really helped me through a very very hopeless day

FreedomCA

It's too bad that you had to reject graduate school because of financial reasons. That program could have kept you busy while sober while also offering your life purpose and meaning. Could taking out a loan be an option next time?

Also, even though you don't like the whole group therapy thing in AA, you don't have to share. I think the two biggest parts of AA are listening and working the steps with a sponsor. You may not have relapsed if you were working the steps and working on yourself.

And, yes, I think it would be a good idea to give up the computer and phone for the first year of sobriety while you work on yourself with the steps.

All the best!

PennyLane76

Hi Sky. Be proud of yourself for continuing to work on our disease. Yes, I meant to type our. I haven't read here that you have seen a psychiatrist? I was a chronic relapser until I was properly treated by a psychiatrist. I had no peace in the previous 10 years, none. 14 months sober now. Please keep checking in. Xoxoxo

Dee74

I just wanted to add my welcome and reassure you you're not alone Sky

D

tomsteve

welp, sky, heres what im reading and what i know from personal experience:
youre in your comfort zone. stepping out of your comfort zone and opening up is uncomfortable.( although you have no problem opening up here, so its just fear to do it F2F).
but its keeping you stuck in your addiction.
you go to meetings and here other people talking about their feelings and what they go through- people that have managed to get clean and/or sober.NONE of them felt comfortable opening up.
but they did it. they stopped allowing fear to control them. they got some courage and opened up. without opening up, there was absolutely no way for anyone to help them with solutions.
and not theyre clean and/or sober.


on this:
"to be honest I think what makes it so hard is the easy access of my DOC via internet ."
i dont think so.you can go on the net, but you still have to ACT to get the DOC.the DOC doesnt magically appear through your computer.
i had no internet when i got clean and sober. i could have gotten alcohol at the liquor store 3/4 mile from my house and ANY drug i wanted about 2 miles from my house.
this here is proof of the action:
"My cycle of using: Good amount of time sober---temptation for pornography (computer)...temptation for sex....hook-up site visit (computer)...find someone that's using my DOC from the site (computer)...RELAPSE ."
you had the temptation, but all those pre meditated relapses would NOT have occured IF you didnt act on them.

its all about commitment- being willing to go to ANY lengths to get and stay clean.
you will find at meetings there nothing unique about your situation- there are people that have already been in your shoes and have found a solution.

Sunbaby

I can relate to how you feel about "what's the point" since I battle depression from time to time. Anybody that hasn't experienced depression doesn't really understand how it can trick your mind into believing there is no hope and makes you forget positive things. There IS hope and that feeling of despair always passes, every time. PLEASE don't do something permanent in response to a temporary feeling. There is some great advice in this thread! I'm reading it because I relapsed last night, felt your pain, and was hating myself today. But I'm here and learning to forgive myself and get help.

I gradually learned to recognize and acknowledge when I'm feeling depressed and tell myself it will pass. It also helps me to talk to some of my family members since they have experienced depression too. We help each other through those temporary times. Having somebody to talk to that has gone through depression and can support you helps. Eleven months is an accomplishment to be proud of. You relapsed... that's ok. We all have. Dust yourself off, don't beat yourself up about it, and keep working at it. You are learning and moving through the process. Reaching out on here was a great decision. You recognized the feeling, realized it will pass, and reached out for help. That's progress. It's ok to hit some bumps. Life is precious and there are a lot of good things to live for. And we are here fighting too and supporting each other. Sometimes I try to imagine what I would tell somebody I love (as if they came to me as me, with my problems). Be kind to you. Xoxo

sky90

Thank you. I am glad I reached out here on SR. My mind was telling me not to reach out here because everyone on SR is tired of my pathetic attempts at having a stable sober life. But I posted anyway and made it through another day bc of all the hope. I am glad the post and comments helped you out too. As far as depression goes yes it is extremely tricky. When it comes to addiction and depression our biggest enemy is our selves! That's what makes it so scary. Look at Chester Bennington's death, he was lead singer of one of the greatest bands he had support from his wife and a fan base that would always be there and yet depression and his issues with addiction got to him because sometimes it does just get too much and enough is enough...But I am here today holding on because well of SR, my few loved ones, and God. However, I know the next few days/months are going to be extremely tricky so I will keep my internet and keep posting on here because it really is better than completely isolating myself.