Ambuler

First of all I just want to say how grateful I am that a place like this even exists and that it is as freely available as it is. I would have no other outlet, and right now it is keeping me sane in the whirlwind that I have created...

My husband has officially broken up with me. Well, I should say fiancé, as we have never actually made things legal. Long story, but considering my current circumstances, it's sort of a blessing and a curse that we never did legally marry after almost 10 years together. Anyway, my drinking has officially taken over and ruined my life again. I used the anniversary of my son's passing (yesterday) as an excuse to call out of work and stay home and drink away my pain. Instead I drank myself stupid and raged at my fiancé....things turned physical, and, long story short, I woke up to an email that could have been copypasta'd right out of the Friends and Family section. I. Am. That. Bad. It took an email that was so blatantly honest that it was undeniable that everything he said about me was the truth to make me see that. It hurt to read, but it was true. All of it. I almost wanted to post the email because I know that there are some people that would get something from it, on both sides of the fence. Maybe I will one day. Regardless, here I am again. On the verge of being homeless and perhaps jobless, as I keep calling out.....

Which brings me to the original intent of this post. Rehab. The idea has been swirling around for about a year now, but the fear of being away from my family and taking time from my job has always, ironically, been the reason that I never even picked up the phone and called to get information, at the very least. This morning, however, I have been wanting to call. And perhaps even discuss being admitted...but I am scared out of my mind. I know that this question has been asked before, but I would really appreciate anyone that has gone the rehab/short-term inpatient route to give me an idea of what your first step was. I was also diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar disorder, so the place that I am considering deals with co-existing issues. With that said, I am kind of scared of being 5150'd, because I honestly have had thoughts of wanting to die, but I am not planning on or even thinking about harming myself or anyone else. One other thing that scares me, and this is bad, I know....yesterday when things got physical, I was held down, and I have bruises all over my arms. I don't know how to explain any of that....I don't want my fiancé to get in trouble because I don't know how to control myself...

I am freaking out a bit and could just use some advice.

Thank you so much.

Anna

I'm sorry that things are going badly. I didn't go to a rehab but it could be what you need. And, it's good that you are taking your bipolar diagnosis into account. Are you already on medication for that from your dr? I think the best thing is to be completely honest about your feelings of wanting to die, and of the bruises on your arms. Being open and honest will probably be necessary for you to receive the help that is offered. Have faith that you can stop drinking and become the person that you want to be.

FreeOwl

Stop swirling, start acting.

Do whatever it takes to get healthy and sober.

Your life will improve beyond imagination.

Continuing to avoid it will mean you will continue to make your life worse.

It won't improve unless and until you act.

Get out of your head and into the swing.

Thinking, talking, wondering, considering - will not fix anything.

Getting sober will.

Ambuler

Thank you both so much...

To Anna, a couple of years ago I believed that I was healed and didn't need to take meds anymore, so I stopped. Obviously that wasn't the brightest of ideas. And thank you for confirming that honesty is always the best policy. I will be honest.

To FreeOwl, you're right. I need to stop swirling and do something. Thank you for that. Still swirling in anxiety right now, but this is helping a lot.

FreeOwl

the second you make the true and complete CHOICE to embrace sobriety.... life begins to get better.

All you have to do from there is keep ACTING to support that choice.

You can start anytime. RIGHT NOW. Look yourself in the mirror and say it:

"I CHOOSE SOBRIETY. I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE TO LIVE PRESENT, FULL, GRATEFUL AND TRUE".

Then get busy.

The good news is it's all within your power and the choice is yours.

Poppy79

I relate to your post so much, I was pretty much in your situation last November. So I went to inpatient treatment for 3 weeks.
Did a bit of research on facilities, called the one I thought would be best, I had to go to a doctor to get a referral (this is in Australia so it might be different for you?), doc sent referral to the hospital and 2 days later I was checking in.
I won't lie, it was absolutely terrifying walking through those doors and admitting myself. But, it didn't last, 5-10 mins waiting I was slowly becoming less terrified. Within an hour I was fine, I knew I was where I needed to be and the staff were lovely.
I wish I had gone years earlier. It was a golden chance to escape the 'world' for a while and just focus on me and my issues.
I started exercising, art therapy, CBT therapy, read books, watched Netflix. I regrouped and started to learn more about myself and how I handle (or didn't handle) hiccups in my life.
I hope that if you go, your experience is like mine was because it has helped me tremendously. Coming up to 11 months sober (except for a fleeting slip a cpl of months ago) and before November last year I could not string 2 days sober together.

Horn95

Because of my job, and a project I am working on, I can tell you that 99.999% of bipolar patients do not "heal" but need to be on meds. Indeed, it sounds like you are self-medicating with the alcohol. Get to a doc ASAP. There are some really good BP meds out there now.

I would imagine that getting on meds would help the alcohol cravings.

Dee74

Welcome back Ambuler.
A dual diagnosis rehab sounds like a good idea to me?

Face the fear and do it anyway
D

BeanieBaby

I agree with Poppy79. I was in the same downward spiral with my husband threatening to end our marriage. I decided to go to rehab last November even though I was terrified. But the pain I was in was way worse. It was the best decision I made and definitely a golden opportunity to get away from life stressors and focus on my recovery. The staff were wonderful and many people had co-existing disorders. All treated with respect and empathy. I learned so much about myself, my disease and what I needed to do to finally be and stay sober. I also lost some people from my life when I came out but 10 months later I've realized that it was for the best. I am now surrounding myself with people who are true friends and I see things with much more clarity and self respect. My husband stuck with me and our family is intact. Please give rehab serious thought. It saved my life.

Bender

I know how you are feeling and I had all the same reasons for avoiding rehab. Work was my big excuse but in reality I was on the verge of loosing my career anyway due to my drinking. The reality is I just didn't want to accept that I couldn't beat this on my own. I just got out of a treatment center a couple months ago and just got my 90 days. It was the best decision I have made in a long time and my work was fine with it and all the issues I thought I would have didn't materialize. I wouldn't worry about some bruises. Just say "Dunno" if they ask. And 5150 won't be an issue if you don't say anything extreme during intake. Rehab helped me tremendously but you have to be willing to do the work otherwise it is a waste of time and money. Just sitting there for 30 days will get you nowhere. You really have to decide if you are truly "done". I had 4 years sober and decided I wasn't done, then 10 years later went to evening outpatient treatment because I didn't want my wife to leave me. I lasted a year in sobriety, but I still wasn't done so I left her and went out for another 10 years. So as you can see there is no magic in treatment. They give you the tools and it is up to you to use them. Today I feel that I am truly done and tomorrow God willing I will feel the same. Whatever you decide I wish you the best. You are absolutely without a doubt worth the effort.

Done4today

Many thoughts and prayers for you ambuler. A lot of good advice, there is hope for you!

MindfulMan

Everyone is different, and every facility is different.

Rehab saved my life about four months ago. I think it would be terrifying for most; I was so sick (required medical detox as I was at a huge risk for DTs) that the intake was kind of a blur. Once my brain resumed processing information I was over the hump. Making the commitment was the scariest part, the experience itself was soothing, kinda fun and absolutely fascinating, although not an experience I'd care to repeat. It gives you a jump start into sobriety that's difficult to replicate.

My rehab facility was pretty old school and 12 Step based. As I'd never been to an AA meeting, this was hugely helpful. I'm now finishing up an 8 week outpatient cognitive based dual diagnosis program, that teaches you how to reprogram negative thinking around both addiction and the mental health diagnosis, in my case bipolar disorder. You can work while attending the DD program.

I will echo others to get to a psychiatrist who can start you on medication and refer you to the appropriate level of care. Untreated/unmedicated Bipolar Disorder puts you at a huge risk for both suicide and substance abuse.

Good luck. You can do this.

D122y

Am,

Wanting to quit is half the battle won.

So many brilliant offerings I will not muddy the water.

Like you, I have a desire to stop drinking.it was ruining my life for sure. There is no mystery that drinking the way we drink leads to trouble w everything.

Get that help madam before another incident occurs.

My drunk coworker seems to be teetering on the brink of a cliff right now, but since he was beginning to attack me I had to separate. It was like he was trying to drown me too.

My aunt takes meds for bipolar issues. It is ok.

I probably have some undiagnosed dual issue, and work out mostly to help.

I also work various coping methods, other than drinking. I Google for answers.

I seem to say the same things all the time, everywhere. But, now I chose to say the nicer things.

Your truly in sobriety.

Thanks.

D122y

mm,

Wow!

Imho....Great offering.

I would love to hear a little more, from you when you have time...

But also.... in general here at SR...

About specific tactics, techniques and procedures folks receive and exercise while going through these programs.

The way you just explained it, it seems like you are getting some excellent help.

Thanks.