Why why why
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Why why why
First ever post.. so tired of this ridiculous merry go round.
I just don't even understand why I do this to myself. I should be so grateful, I am very lucky. Two healthy happy children, and a loving husband. So why the hell do I continue to drink.. sneak drink. Find a way to buy it without a paper trail, hide it, throw it away.. repeat. Boxes and boxes of wine (embarrassed)
I'm so highly functional it is disturbing. I workout, run races, make meals, clean the house and take care of the kids... while drinking.
The longest I've gone in the last year is 9 days without a drink, because I was caught by my husband. I will go 2-3 days occasionally... then fail.
It is just exhausting.. hoping this post will be a motivater. When I do stop temporarily, reading posts here has always helped.
Thank you
I just don't even understand why I do this to myself. I should be so grateful, I am very lucky. Two healthy happy children, and a loving husband. So why the hell do I continue to drink.. sneak drink. Find a way to buy it without a paper trail, hide it, throw it away.. repeat. Boxes and boxes of wine (embarrassed)
I'm so highly functional it is disturbing. I workout, run races, make meals, clean the house and take care of the kids... while drinking.
The longest I've gone in the last year is 9 days without a drink, because I was caught by my husband. I will go 2-3 days occasionally... then fail.
It is just exhausting.. hoping this post will be a motivater. When I do stop temporarily, reading posts here has always helped.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Yep, it's exhausting isn't it, Darlad? You don't have to be embarrassed here, we get it. I can't tell you what a relief it was to stop. I felt free, free to live without carrying a giant weight on my back. No more hiding, lying and sneaking around to drink.
Support made the difference for me. I was able to stay sober with the help of this community. I'm glad you posted.
Hang around... you can do this!
Support made the difference for me. I was able to stay sober with the help of this community. I'm glad you posted.
Hang around... you can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It is so exhausting. When I finally stopped drinking, I was completely exhausted from sneaking, hiding, lying. Have faith that you can do this and there is support here. Do you have a recovery plan in mind?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Everything you have done, we have done.
We are all addicted to alcohol.
Once you get your mind around that, and that you cannot drink, you can do this.
One is just not an option. Ever.
Its very hard, but you can do hard things.
We can all do hard things.
And then six months down the road (or one, or 3, or 12 months) it won't be hard anymore.
You can do this thing.
We are all addicted to alcohol.
Once you get your mind around that, and that you cannot drink, you can do this.
One is just not an option. Ever.
Its very hard, but you can do hard things.
We can all do hard things.
And then six months down the road (or one, or 3, or 12 months) it won't be hard anymore.
You can do this thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Thanks again for all the support guys.. I am so so tired of all the mental games. I literally watch my husband leave in the morning and start drinking.. I want to enjoy my life instead of thinking about wine.
Plan.. I def need to get a plan.
For starters, I'm going to post/read daily
PlayIng out the tape (not sure if I am saying that right).. has been helpful in the past
Realizing how lucking and am, and being grateful for my life- daily reflection.
Maybe re- reading naked mind.. that book was enlightening
Reading more for sure- something I enjoy doing but can't donwhen you are black out drunk
Work out more
Idk- my plan seems thrown together and unorganized. But plan to plan..
Plan.. I def need to get a plan.
For starters, I'm going to post/read daily
PlayIng out the tape (not sure if I am saying that right).. has been helpful in the past
Realizing how lucking and am, and being grateful for my life- daily reflection.
Maybe re- reading naked mind.. that book was enlightening
Reading more for sure- something I enjoy doing but can't donwhen you are black out drunk
Work out more
Idk- my plan seems thrown together and unorganized. But plan to plan..
The road goes on forever
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 1,107
I hear ya...... It is so exhausting!
Trust me.... I was with you and highly functional. Some people thought I was sober even when I'd had 6+ drinks!
OK... You are SooOooo NOT ALONE here.
Quit for good.... You will never have to worry.
Visit and check in -- to the Class of Sept 2017 Thread... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html
Best to You and Stay close to SR!
Trust me.... I was with you and highly functional. Some people thought I was sober even when I'd had 6+ drinks!
OK... You are SooOooo NOT ALONE here.
Quit for good.... You will never have to worry.
Visit and check in -- to the Class of Sept 2017 Thread... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html
Best to You and Stay close to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Thank you so much.
It is a great feeling to have so much support.
I could be wrong- but I truly think no realized I was constantly a drinking disaster.
I would drink a bottle of wine, and run a 5k (multiple times- and not proud of it at all)
When my husband caught me sneak drinking in December- I came clean (kinda) and told him I was sneak drinking for 7 years.. and I asked him if he knew - he said he had no clue.
I scare myself daily.. it is def getting out of control and I realize that I just can't have a drink, ever. The obsession is unreal.
Thanks again for the support
It is a great feeling to have so much support.
I could be wrong- but I truly think no realized I was constantly a drinking disaster.
I would drink a bottle of wine, and run a 5k (multiple times- and not proud of it at all)
When my husband caught me sneak drinking in December- I came clean (kinda) and told him I was sneak drinking for 7 years.. and I asked him if he knew - he said he had no clue.
I scare myself daily.. it is def getting out of control and I realize that I just can't have a drink, ever. The obsession is unreal.
Thanks again for the support
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=Darlad921;6603340]First ever post.. so tired of this ridiculous merry go round.
I just don't even understand why I do this to myself. I should be so grateful, I am very lucky. Two healthy happy children, and a loving husband. So why the hell do I continue to drink.. sneak drink. Find a way to buy it without a paper trail, hide it, throw it away.. repeat. Boxes and boxes of wine (embarrassed)
I'm so highly functional it is disturbing. I workout, run races, make meals, clean the house and take care of the kids... while drinking.
The longest I've gone in the last year is 9 days without a drink, because I was caught by my husband. I will go 2-3 days occasionally... then fail.
It is just exhausting.. hoping this post will be a motivater. When I do stop temporarily, reading posts here has always helped.
Thank
Hi, I am having a tough time being sober. I was just curious how you feel when your not drinking. Are you bored unmotivated depressed anxious or do you get withdrawls? I am getting all of it. Sorry I don't have any advice as I havnt figured this ride out yet.
I just don't even understand why I do this to myself. I should be so grateful, I am very lucky. Two healthy happy children, and a loving husband. So why the hell do I continue to drink.. sneak drink. Find a way to buy it without a paper trail, hide it, throw it away.. repeat. Boxes and boxes of wine (embarrassed)
I'm so highly functional it is disturbing. I workout, run races, make meals, clean the house and take care of the kids... while drinking.
The longest I've gone in the last year is 9 days without a drink, because I was caught by my husband. I will go 2-3 days occasionally... then fail.
It is just exhausting.. hoping this post will be a motivater. When I do stop temporarily, reading posts here has always helped.
Thank
Hi, I am having a tough time being sober. I was just curious how you feel when your not drinking. Are you bored unmotivated depressed anxious or do you get withdrawls? I am getting all of it. Sorry I don't have any advice as I havnt figured this ride out yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Hi, I am having a tough time being sober. I was just curious how you feel when your not drinking. Are you bored unmotivated depressed anxious or do you get withdrawls? I am getting all of it. Sorry I don't have any advice as I havnt figured this ride out yet.[/QUOTE]
Hello! I certainly cannot give any advice. I am just beginning my hopefully long journey of sobriety.
I also have a difficult time staying sober- I do get shaky at first but that only lasts a day or so.
I am already an anxious person, so yes... I become extra anxious and irritable.
Unfortunately, I've had a lot of day 1 attempts...
I'm hoping this time it is long term.
Hello! I certainly cannot give any advice. I am just beginning my hopefully long journey of sobriety.
I also have a difficult time staying sober- I do get shaky at first but that only lasts a day or so.
I am already an anxious person, so yes... I become extra anxious and irritable.
Unfortunately, I've had a lot of day 1 attempts...
I'm hoping this time it is long term.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi Darlad,
So much of your post I can relate to. Especially the running after drinking wine. I used to tell myself that the sugar in the wine made me run faster! I somehow convinced myself drinking heavily the night before running half marathons was a good thing. It's incredible the stuff I told myself to conceal my addiction.
Like you, I was extremely high functioning. Never missed a day of work, kids always everywhere on time, I was a member of the PTA, ran marathons blah blah blah. What's interesting after 10 and a bit months sober is that I'm much more relaxed about everything now. When I was drinking it was so important to me that the world see me a certain way. I was terrified about anyone discovering my deep dark secret so I tried to appear perfect. Sobriety brings incredible freedom. I no longer care what other people think. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I care what I think. Sobriety is so much more than not drinking. It gives me the chance to be the real me and live a life without fear or shame.
This site has helped me stay sober and will definitely help you. I'd advise you to join the September class and I also find the 24 hour thread really useful. In the early days, post here whenever you feel like you want to drink. Someone who understands will always be here. I wish you so much luck and strength.
So much of your post I can relate to. Especially the running after drinking wine. I used to tell myself that the sugar in the wine made me run faster! I somehow convinced myself drinking heavily the night before running half marathons was a good thing. It's incredible the stuff I told myself to conceal my addiction.
Like you, I was extremely high functioning. Never missed a day of work, kids always everywhere on time, I was a member of the PTA, ran marathons blah blah blah. What's interesting after 10 and a bit months sober is that I'm much more relaxed about everything now. When I was drinking it was so important to me that the world see me a certain way. I was terrified about anyone discovering my deep dark secret so I tried to appear perfect. Sobriety brings incredible freedom. I no longer care what other people think. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I care what I think. Sobriety is so much more than not drinking. It gives me the chance to be the real me and live a life without fear or shame.
This site has helped me stay sober and will definitely help you. I'd advise you to join the September class and I also find the 24 hour thread really useful. In the early days, post here whenever you feel like you want to drink. Someone who understands will always be here. I wish you so much luck and strength.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Northamptonshire
Posts: 4
Hi Darlad, Funny you should say you are an anxious person. I was too, and after 3 months, my anxiety had disappeared and I had a new found confidence. Look, I am 5 days in on my second attempt, and the shakiness lasts about two days, the night sweats have gone and I am sleeping a bit better. Still getting cravings but I drank very heavily (up to 4 bottles of wine a day). You sound like a motivated person, so if I can do it, so can you! I read somewhere that you should see sobriety as a gift not a punishment. That's what I'm focusing on. Stick with it :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Originally Posted by kenton 
Hi Darlad,
So much of your post I can relate to. Especially the running after drinking wine. I used to tell myself that the sugar in the wine made me run faster! I somehow convinced myself drinking heavily the night before running half marathons was a good thing. It's incredible the stuff I told myself to conceal my addiction.
Like you, I was extremely high functioning. Never missed a day of work, kids always everywhere on time, I was a member of the PTA, ran marathons blah blah blah. What's interesting after 10 and a bit months sober is that I'm much more relaxed about everything now. When I was drinking it was so important to me that the world see me a certain way. I was terrified about anyone discovering my deep dark secret so I tried to appear perfect. Sobriety brings incredible freedom. I no longer care what other people think. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I care what I think. Sobriety is so much more than not drinking. It gives me the chance to be the real me and live a life without fear or shame.
This site has helped me stay sober and will definitely help you. I'd advise you to join the September class and I also find the 24 hour thread really useful. In the early days, post here whenever you feel like you want to drink. Someone who understands will always be here. I wish you so much luck and strength.
So much of your post I can relate to. Especially the running after drinking wine. I used to tell myself that the sugar in the wine made me run faster! I somehow convinced myself drinking heavily the night before running half marathons was a good thing. It's incredible the stuff I told myself to conceal my addiction.
Like you, I was extremely high functioning. Never missed a day of work, kids always everywhere on time, I was a member of the PTA, ran marathons blah blah blah. What's interesting after 10 and a bit months sober is that I'm much more relaxed about everything now. When I was drinking it was so important to me that the world see me a certain way. I was terrified about anyone discovering my deep dark secret so I tried to appear perfect. Sobriety brings incredible freedom. I no longer care what other people think. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I care what I think. Sobriety is so much more than not drinking. It gives me the chance to be the real me and live a life without fear or shame.
This site has helped me stay sober and will definitely help you. I'd advise you to join the September class and I also find the 24 hour thread really useful. In the early days, post here whenever you feel like you want to drink. Someone who understands will always be here. I wish you so much luck and strength.
Yep! When I did work full time, never ever missed. I am always timely.. and it would appear that I have it all together.
Meanwhile, I'm a mess. Like I said, i am exhausted and it is EXHAUSTING.
I know that it can be better, and I want to enjoy my life.. my kids and enjoy my time, instead of worrying if I have enough wine.
I fell pathetic.. it is good to know I am not alone
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 328
Hi Darla well done on taking some action!
I was also highly functioning most of the time until the real bad binges where I wasn't!
Putting extra effort into every situation to hide my guilt, shame, anxiety maybe I wasn't really "functioning" at all.
Everything worth having is worth fighting for right?
It sounds like you have a great family and a lot of reasons to be grateful and remain sober.
Wishing you all of the best on your journey
I was also highly functioning most of the time until the real bad binges where I wasn't!
Putting extra effort into every situation to hide my guilt, shame, anxiety maybe I wasn't really "functioning" at all.
Everything worth having is worth fighting for right?
It sounds like you have a great family and a lot of reasons to be grateful and remain sober.
Wishing you all of the best on your journey
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
[QUOTE=Madman270;6603399] when i wasnt drinking, i was restless,irritable, and discontent.
because i didnt do anything more that put down the drink.
when i treated the alcoholism, looked at the underlying issues alcohol was just a symptom of( lookin at why i was restless,irritable, and discontent), i became peaceful and serene.
that didnt happen overnight,though. it took a few months of hard work.
well worth the hard work for sure.
Originally Posted by Darlad921
Hi, I am having a tough time being sober. I was just curious how you feel when your not drinking. Are you bored unmotivated depressed anxious or do you get withdrawls? I am getting all of it. Sorry I don't have any advice as I havnt figured this ride out yet.
because i didnt do anything more that put down the drink.
when i treated the alcoholism, looked at the underlying issues alcohol was just a symptom of( lookin at why i was restless,irritable, and discontent), i became peaceful and serene.
that didnt happen overnight,though. it took a few months of hard work.
well worth the hard work for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Originally Posted by Silverback4
Hi Darla well done on taking some action!
I was also highly functioning most of the time until the real bad binges where I wasn't!
Putting extra effort into every situation to hide my guilt, shame, anxiety maybe I wasn't really "functioning" at all.
Everything worth having is worth fighting for right?
It sounds like you have a great family and a lot of reasons to be grateful and remain sober.
Wishing you all of the best on your journey
I was also highly functioning most of the time until the real bad binges where I wasn't!
Putting extra effort into every situation to hide my guilt, shame, anxiety maybe I wasn't really "functioning" at all.
Everything worth having is worth fighting for right?
It sounds like you have a great family and a lot of reasons to be grateful and remain sober.
Wishing you all of the best on your journey
Thanks so much
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm happy to meet you, Darlad. Joining SR helped me to no longer feel alone. No one in my life understood what I was going through. It helps to have friends to turn to who truly get it. You can reclaim your life and get free.
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