Struggling with recovery
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Austerities 
I never got quite convinced that abstinence is worth it.
Originally Posted by Austerities
First I tried AA. That just made me focus on alcohol more, and I actually became less obsessed when I quit.
Originally Posted by Austerities
At that time I realized that the main problem was doing something about the reason I drank. It has basically been self-medication for all kinds of pain; physical, emotional and existential.
This may not describe you, or a lot of others. It has only been my personal experience, so I tend to disregard what to me (perhaps wrongly), appear to be excuses rather than causes.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by Austerities
Hi,
Just a little update from me and another thanks for the sound advice I was given previously.
Acceptance is indeed a key word. Not only accepting that alcohol and other escapist activities are off the table, but also accepting that many things in life is hard, and emotions of all flavors will occur and pass all the time, and I am supposed to stay unmoving in the middle of it at all times. I took the bull by the horns and decided to not try to fix my stressful life, but to actively accept it and only spend energy on coping skills. It is so much easier without me adding so much resistance.
Also I feel great about riding out burnout and depression without any kind of escape. I feel strong and brave, but also very humbled. Thoughts of alcohol still pops up, but it's not really an option, and I have lots of gratitude for having quit and being relatively well functioning still. I have made a habit out of popping in here everytime the thought occurs and it works.
I have also made a habit of naming three things I am grateful for every morning, that works too. Eventually joy returned and I remember more and more things I like to do.
All the best!
Just a little update from me and another thanks for the sound advice I was given previously.
Acceptance is indeed a key word. Not only accepting that alcohol and other escapist activities are off the table, but also accepting that many things in life is hard, and emotions of all flavors will occur and pass all the time, and I am supposed to stay unmoving in the middle of it at all times. I took the bull by the horns and decided to not try to fix my stressful life, but to actively accept it and only spend energy on coping skills. It is so much easier without me adding so much resistance.
Also I feel great about riding out burnout and depression without any kind of escape. I feel strong and brave, but also very humbled. Thoughts of alcohol still pops up, but it's not really an option, and I have lots of gratitude for having quit and being relatively well functioning still. I have made a habit out of popping in here everytime the thought occurs and it works.
I have also made a habit of naming three things I am grateful for every morning, that works too. Eventually joy returned and I remember more and more things I like to do.
All the best!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by DarklingSong
Thank you so much for the update. You have given me some hope today as I am struggling with many of the things you described when you were at an earlier stage of recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,060
What a great update.
I read the first post and basically agreed with most of what you said. Luckily I read the rest of the thread and you have given me hope that it won't always be such a struggle.
Thank you.
I read the first post and basically agreed with most of what you said. Luckily I read the rest of the thread and you have given me hope that it won't always be such a struggle.
Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 158
I had a craving yesterday. It was the first one in a while. It was pretty strong. I was out driving and I started thinking 'Well, just one... maybe 2 beers. That can't hurt me.'. I changed my mind and drove home.
When I first quit, the cravings were ferocious for lack of a better word. 54 days now, but I still want alcohol. Just not as badly.
For me, the best thing to stop that has been eating until I'm no longer hungry. I'm not sure what else might work, but that typically does work.
When I first quit, the cravings were ferocious for lack of a better word. 54 days now, but I still want alcohol. Just not as badly.
For me, the best thing to stop that has been eating until I'm no longer hungry. I'm not sure what else might work, but that typically does work.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by Kaily
What a great update.
I read the first post and basically agreed with most of what you said. Luckily I read the rest of the thread and you have given me hope that it won't always be such a struggle.
Thank you.
I read the first post and basically agreed with most of what you said. Luckily I read the rest of the thread and you have given me hope that it won't always be such a struggle.
Thank you.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Congrats on your update and your sober time Austerities
D
D
And to all who currently struggle: don't give up! Nothing is permanent / this too shall pass. Actually, and unfortunately, that applies to us on an easier stretch too. Let's just keep going.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by TheWayBack
I had a craving yesterday. It was the first one in a while. It was pretty strong. I was out driving and I started thinking 'Well, just one... maybe 2 beers. That can't hurt me.'. I changed my mind and drove home.
When I first quit, the cravings were ferocious for lack of a better word. 54 days now, but I still want alcohol. Just not as badly.
For me, the best thing to stop that has been eating until I'm no longer hungry. I'm not sure what else might work, but that typically does work.
When I first quit, the cravings were ferocious for lack of a better word. 54 days now, but I still want alcohol. Just not as badly.
For me, the best thing to stop that has been eating until I'm no longer hungry. I'm not sure what else might work, but that typically does work.
Cravings were mental in nature. Consumption was more physical.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Return of the struggle
I am at a little more than nine months sober. This has been a relapse time point before, so extra vigilant, but at the same time I don't really feel in danger this time, I feel I am truly done with alcohol.
Nevertheless, I am struggling right now. I am just so tired and exhausted. And I crave something that will sort of knock me out and give me euphoria at the same time. Interestingly enough I don't crave alcohol. I fantasize about heroin or some other kind of morphine substance, although I have never tried it, and never will. It just feels like alcohol is too weak to bother with. Funny, and a little scary. What I have done, however, is binge on chocolate. Not too happy about that. Clearly an abusive behavior. Oh and shopping too.
Just such a downward spiral when sleep deprivation and workload piles up. All healthy thinking and behavior goes out the window. Almost. Or not quite, when I start to write it down. I'm still eating veggies, drinking only water and black coffee, meditating and exercising, just more moderately. Holding myself to a pretty high standard I guess.
But that feeling and thought; "F this, if I am to exist like a zombie, why bother" is surely a problem. Praying for more acceptance, patience, and gratitude. Feels like I am about to run out of those.
Nevertheless, I am struggling right now. I am just so tired and exhausted. And I crave something that will sort of knock me out and give me euphoria at the same time. Interestingly enough I don't crave alcohol. I fantasize about heroin or some other kind of morphine substance, although I have never tried it, and never will. It just feels like alcohol is too weak to bother with. Funny, and a little scary. What I have done, however, is binge on chocolate. Not too happy about that. Clearly an abusive behavior. Oh and shopping too.
Just such a downward spiral when sleep deprivation and workload piles up. All healthy thinking and behavior goes out the window. Almost. Or not quite, when I start to write it down. I'm still eating veggies, drinking only water and black coffee, meditating and exercising, just more moderately. Holding myself to a pretty high standard I guess.
But that feeling and thought; "F this, if I am to exist like a zombie, why bother" is surely a problem. Praying for more acceptance, patience, and gratitude. Feels like I am about to run out of those.
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Glad for your Feb update. I'm sure you didn't "want" to share this current one, but I'm glad you did.
Personally, I believe the "a relapse starts well before the drink" train of thought. What can you do NOW when you are feeling tired, frustrated, etc that will even out and "correct" this phase....not eventually look back and be able to connect the dots between your right now and a drink?
Personally, I believe the "a relapse starts well before the drink" train of thought. What can you do NOW when you are feeling tired, frustrated, etc that will even out and "correct" this phase....not eventually look back and be able to connect the dots between your right now and a drink?
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Yes. Very grateful to be in a position to possibly prevent things from getting even worse. I suppose that is my only idea right now, trying to not make things worse, and wait it out. There will be better days again. And I am posting this to bolster accountability, so thanks!
Last edited by Austerities; 09-04-2019 at 11:49 AM. Reason: was missing a verb
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So here is my actual plan for right now: 1) exercises to calm the nervous system, 2) reading in bed about those who live far more austere lives than I until I hopefully a) gain some perspective and b) pass out.
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I would make plans like that - a good start to be sure - but a little light on with the nuts and bolts of living a non drinking life.
There are a lot more ideas and suggestions here - don't be afraid to add a little more detail to your plan Austerities
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
There are a lot more ideas and suggestions here - don't be afraid to add a little more detail to your plan Austerities
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
I've just read your thread all the way through and enjoyed reading your posts and others responses.
I am 16 months sober and I can identify with some of what you wrote As I read your most recent post i thought (and this is just my opinion of course) it sounds like your inner rebel wants to escape. When I was drinking , before it got really bad, my life was quite wild. Parties, friends, men,meeting new people. hey have a few drinks and who knows where the night will take me! Even in those days it was chaos but there was a thrill. And because I was so addicted to alcohol and the buzz I looked forward to it immensely. Now life is so different. Calm. Peaceful. But I know sometimes my inner rebel wants to escape I' heard someone in an AA meeting once with 25 years sobriety say she stole something from a shop, something so small and insignificant it was crazy all because at that particular moment in time she was craving an escape, a thrill. I am not recommending that of course but you get my point.
My drinking was not fun at the end. But my Alcohilic mind does not bring into my memory an image of me lying in a basement after falling 8 ft wasted on wine only to crawl home to take xanax washed down with wine and pass out in bed . It doesn't shiw me the policeman knocking at my door because I tried to smash someone's window or the image of me physically fighting with my ex best friend in front of our 5 year old daughters. No. It shows me fun and laughter and adventure. I have to use my conscious mind to drag the reality of my drinking into full view.
It sounds to me like you need an escape. Life is beautiful but life can also be repetitive and day to day life, getting up, brush teeth, go to work, come home, dinner, brush teeth, bed can feel dull. That's why so many people cut loose at the weekend and drink alcohol! But for people like us it isn't the fun break we crave anymore.
I dont have any answers for you. Like I said I can identify with what you have written. And I also had an opioid habit. I wouldnt say i was an addict but i used them to escape from time to time. But just like alcohol they had to go it's a false escape anyway and one that will lead me down the path of destruction.
You said it yourself...this too shall pass but look, you're sober and you are free to try ANYTHING you want to see what you enjoy and what can give you a feeling of excitement and exhilaration. Something that you really look forward to doing. The world is your oyster!! As long as it isnt alcohol or drugs. That path will only lead to darkness.
I look forward to reading your updates!!
God Bless.
🙏❤🙏❤
I am 16 months sober and I can identify with some of what you wrote As I read your most recent post i thought (and this is just my opinion of course) it sounds like your inner rebel wants to escape. When I was drinking , before it got really bad, my life was quite wild. Parties, friends, men,meeting new people. hey have a few drinks and who knows where the night will take me! Even in those days it was chaos but there was a thrill. And because I was so addicted to alcohol and the buzz I looked forward to it immensely. Now life is so different. Calm. Peaceful. But I know sometimes my inner rebel wants to escape I' heard someone in an AA meeting once with 25 years sobriety say she stole something from a shop, something so small and insignificant it was crazy all because at that particular moment in time she was craving an escape, a thrill. I am not recommending that of course but you get my point.
My drinking was not fun at the end. But my Alcohilic mind does not bring into my memory an image of me lying in a basement after falling 8 ft wasted on wine only to crawl home to take xanax washed down with wine and pass out in bed . It doesn't shiw me the policeman knocking at my door because I tried to smash someone's window or the image of me physically fighting with my ex best friend in front of our 5 year old daughters. No. It shows me fun and laughter and adventure. I have to use my conscious mind to drag the reality of my drinking into full view.
It sounds to me like you need an escape. Life is beautiful but life can also be repetitive and day to day life, getting up, brush teeth, go to work, come home, dinner, brush teeth, bed can feel dull. That's why so many people cut loose at the weekend and drink alcohol! But for people like us it isn't the fun break we crave anymore.
I dont have any answers for you. Like I said I can identify with what you have written. And I also had an opioid habit. I wouldnt say i was an addict but i used them to escape from time to time. But just like alcohol they had to go it's a false escape anyway and one that will lead me down the path of destruction.
You said it yourself...this too shall pass but look, you're sober and you are free to try ANYTHING you want to see what you enjoy and what can give you a feeling of excitement and exhilaration. Something that you really look forward to doing. The world is your oyster!! As long as it isnt alcohol or drugs. That path will only lead to darkness.
I look forward to reading your updates!!
God Bless.
🙏❤🙏❤
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 127
I think overly simplified, there are two reasons people use drugs: 1) thrill seeking, probably caused by a pretty low baseline activation and a robust system that takes a lot to excite, and 2) relief, probably caused by high baseline activation and a highly excitable (stressable) system. I am nr 2, seeking peace, not thrills. I don't have a problem with not knowing what kind of activities and experiences that are meaningful to me and bring joy either, my problem is lack of time and energy for those. In stead I am indeed stuck in survival mode (rather than living or thriving). I don't find the hamster wheel as much boring as I find it exhausting and frustrating because it steals my precious life away.
Last edited by Austerities; 09-04-2019 at 11:04 PM. Reason: lacking a few words
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Little update: doing much better today. Am so sleep deprived now that I am making really weird mistakes in trying to perform everyday tasks, but somehow managed to do my job well. Also on target with exercise and nutrition. And I asked someone for help with regards to sleep and exhaustion and received some suggestions that I believe in and will implement. No cravings whatsoever and in a good mood. One more day to go before a brief respite. I can do this! Go me! 
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