JustMatt

Never been a stereotypical bottle of vodka a day man but the red flags have been there for years. Lost jobs, friends, banned from driving, withdrawl, always skint, drink in the morning, blackouts, **** myself when asleep, shakes, once start can't stop, and the list goes on and on and on and on.

And yet even now I'm still in denial. Even now after I've managed to go a few days the urge gets stronger and stronger and I give in telling myself it's just a few beers like everyone else does. 12 pints later I'm out of my mind. The first 4 will have barely touched the sides. My dopamine receptors suddenly wake up and life seems funnier temporarily (it's not. It just seems it compared to the **** that is my life) 8 pints later and I'm usually in tears full of regret and trying to text anyone to try and relieve the loneliness. The morning after comes and the 1st thing (literally the FIRST thing) I think of is beer. And so a new fun filled day begins and the nightmare continues This can last for days until money runs out or I can't keep anymore down. Closely followed by withdrawl. Oh the joy.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be one of them people I overhear in the pub (while stood on my own) who'll "just have a coke for now"

Why can't I be like that ?

Anna

Welcome, I think of myself as normal, but I can't drink alcohol. I know that denial is a huge part of alcoholism. It sounds like you're tired of the life you're leading, and you know that alcoholism progresses. Are you ready to stop drinking? We're here to offer support.

Bird615

Instead of asking why it is the way it is, what if you started to instead wonder about how life could be different? Could there maybe be something better than this?

Realizing I couldn't live that way anymore--that it was leading me to death--was a beginning that opened me up to considering another possibility. Although I didn't know what that was at first and expected it to be pretty bleak, I was at least ready to try something else.

Poppy79

You can Matt. You just can't see the forest for the trees yet because your body is full of alcohol and your brain chemistry is all distorted.
I was in your position last November. I finally gave up and put my hand up asking for help. Went to inpatient treatment for 3 weeks and wish I had gone years earlier.
I knew I couldn't stop by sheer will power, I knew I needed a kick start and to remove myself from my normal 'life'.
Have you thought about treatment?
Plenty of people on here have stopped with other recovery methods, like AA, SMART, rational recovery.
Just remember that you do have it within you to stop. We all do. It can be done and it is so worth it.

JustMatt

I know I need to do something. I just wish I could be normal. Don't get me wrong I know my life's garbage as it is but the thought of never drinking again scares me and even though my social life is practically non existent, drinking is the only existence it has.

Having said that I can honestly say every mistake in my life ive made, and the reason I'm a 44 yr old bum with nothing and nobody is either directly as a cosequence or attributed to drinking. Every single one.

Am I unhappy that or drink or drink because I'm unhappy?

Poppy79

Could be a combination of both. But if you remove alcohol, you have a chance of being happy. You make your own happiness, we all do.
I know I am much happier now that I am not controlled by booze. That alone makes me happy.
It's also amazing how little things make me happy... like going for early morning jogs as the sun rises. Excited about what the day may bring. Sometimes the day is $hit and I want to throttle someone but mostly the days are good or great.

FreedomCA

Why can't you try developing a social life in AA with other people who are like you?

Delilah1

Hi Matt,

Glad you are here. I stopped drinking for good just over 20 months ago, right after turning 45. I had tried unsuccessfully in the past to moderate, and finally came to my senses and stopped for good.

Please know that you can do this, and life can get better. It is amazing how much money you can save not drinking as well, start putting that away and save for something you may want.

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe try taking a class in something you are interested in, or join a walking/running group. It is a great way to meet people who are making healthy choices.

I didn't do AA, but many people have found it to be a good support, you may want to look into that, or another face to face group to help you connect with others.

Check out the September 2017 class, you will find the support of others who have committed or recommitted to sobriety this month, also, check in on the 24 hour thread each day, you will find an incredible group of people who commit to remaining sober for the next 24 hours.

There are many people on this site who have logged in feeling exactly as you do right now, and life started to get better one day at a time with sobriety.

You can so this, start today!!

JustMatt

Thanks for the replies. Well I'm nearly at the end of day 1 so it's a start. Not had much choice but be that as it may a day is still a day. Thanks again

ScottFromWI

It doesn't matter. The solution to both is one in the same. If every bad that happens to you is because of drinking, what's there to be afraid of if you quit?

I understand it's unknown. And it does seem like the only way to "have fun" or be social is to drink, but it's a big fat lie your addiction tells you. We heard it too....almost every one of us here. So when people tell you things can be better without alcohol....it's because we've done it and know it's true. Hope you can find that out too and join us along the way.

Gabe1980

Hey Matt. I'm at the end of day 6 sober and part of the September class. Come and join us. It's makes so much difference checking with other folks who are in the same place you are and are trying to achieve the same thing. I get how scary it is but it sounds like you are answering all your own questions. Drinking, being drunk and recovering from being drunk sucks and it sounds like you've had enough. What's the point in carrying on? Congratulations on day 1. Let's shoot for day 2. Gabe

nez

I don't spend a lot of time and energy on what I can't be, such as why can't I be normal? why can't I have just one? why can't I...

That line of thought is counter productive and a waste of valuable time.

Instead I focus on what I can be, such as... sober, happy, joyous, and free. Not having to rely on anything else to make me happy, joyous, and free is way beyond exhilarating and truly liberating.

Dee74

welcome

Who knows Matt - I still don't know why I'm like that too - but not knowing thankfully didn't stop me quitting

I have accepted it and made my peace with it - alcohol and I have a toxic relationship and we always will.

Everyone is scared of change - my life revolved around drinking - but I have to be honest and say I haven't lost out on thee deal - my life is 100% better than it used to be.

I love my life and I love who I am.
I could never say that as a drinker.

D

least

I used to be so unhappy. And I was drinking at the time. After I'd been sober for a while, I discovered that I wasn't as unhappy anymore.

I don't need to drink and am glad I don't anymore.

thomas11

You know what a life of alcohol consumption has gotten you at 44 years of age, so why not try something different like sobriety? You literally have nothing to lose. Scary? sure, it is. But you take that leap on to the sober train and hang on for dear life every single day for awhile, and then it becomes so much easier and I would almost guarantee you will be happier. You will certainly feel better too.

Kachal

I'm with Gabe, come join us in the class of Sept 2017. There are so many people there that I still can't even keep track of everyone yet, but it's brilliant to wake up to all these new messages, words of encouragement, and incredible support. I'm on day 7 thanks to that group, and this site. I've never even tried to quit before, I was in total denial that I even had a problem. When you're downing most of a bottle of vodka in the day time and then a bottle of wine or two in the evening, every single day, it takes a special kind of mindset to convince yourself that it's within the realm of normal drinking. But I did convince myself that. I think many of us here have had similar thoughts/denials.

Right now it's still a bit hard but I figure if I can do a day, I can do another. And then another. We're here for you!

tomsteve

i think youre unhappy PERIOD is enough to make a decision to change.

why,with what alcohol is doing to you and your life,does the thought of never drinking again scare you?
what im thinkin could similar to me- because without alcohol blotting out how i felt about myself, i would fully feel how i felt about myself.

fortunatly, there was a solution- one that really helped me feel good about me.

August252015

Lots of good stuff above. Welcome to the support you will get here- just see these thoughtful posts!

The "unhappy" part.....it may be impossible to believe or sound absurd to you right now, but I can tell you that - just for me- I am about a billion times happier in my healthy sober life than I ever was before - including before my drinking turned alcoholic. It was terrifying to make that leap into the unknown, for my own reasons (I didn't think I'd be missing out, for example) but I knew that I would die if I kept on with the drinking life I had. It was going to keep getting worse from the same physical and mental anguish you describe as I had much of the same stuff.

It does take a decision and an amount of trust that there is SOMETHING better than drinking misery (too light of a word, really). I am an avid AAer after railing against it for years, and it saved my life.

I hope you will join this Sep's class, stay on here and seek help IRL. You- ilke all of us- deserve so much better than where we were when drinking.

Best to you.

JustMatt

Well I've managed to make it to day 3 and have no desire to drink at present. I know from years of experience this will get harder as the weekend approaches but let's see what happens. I doubt it's just me but what I find is when the binge is over I'm okay for a while. Slowly the devil creeps back in there though. Perched on my shoulder whispering in my ear. "Go on Matt just get a few cans" Inevitably the whisper gets louder and louder to the point it's all I can hear.

Strange thing for me is I hate drinking. I hate being drunk. I certainly hate hangover and the consequence of going on a 4 day morning, noon and night binge. I hate having the shakes. I hate craving beer. I hate blackouts.

I need to start something here don't I? And I'll admit the messages on here do seem to have a positive effect on which direction I need to go and for now it's not in the direction of the shop

Thanks to all

Dee74

Theres support here 24/7 Matt - trick is to use it when you need it

D