parismom

wow. i know i have come here to read occasionally from time to time over the years, but i just went back to read what i wrote ten years ago and i can't believe that i am in the same spot i was in that long ago. (minus the boyfriend that i had at that time).

i go through times when i can drink "normally" and feel like i have things under control.

but i black out a lot, definitely a lot more now. it is really getting worse. i can be drinking and feel like i'm fine, not even drunk at all and then bam, it's morning or it's much later in the evening and i can't remember what happened. that's what is worrying me, i don't even feel drunk and the black outs happen much easier and with fewer drinks. like i can't tolerate the alcohol at all like i used to be able to. i keep scaring myself.

i can't do this anymore. i have been so fortunate that nothing bad has happened to me or to someone else.

right now, i am just getting back out there to seek some support and information and help and read the stories of others. i have tried in the past. i have talked to people. i have been to online chats and forums. i have been to some aa meetings. (i don't think aa is for me). i have books on recovery, the big book, books about people in recovery. oh boy do i have books.

so, anyway, here i am. thank you...

ReadyAtLast

hi and welcome back

I can relate, I stopped for over 3 years but then picked up again last year. I found that even just after a few glasses of wine at home I didn't feel really drunk but then in the morning I couldnt remember some things I'd said or done.

You're right it does get worse. Years ago I would have to be really really drunk, having drunk so much to not remmeber. Now I forget after less than a bottle of wine.

Hope you stick around. maybe come and join us in the Septmber class of people quitting

Hevyn

Welcome, parismom - great to see you.

I relate too. I had a few years sober once. When I went back out I was totally out of control & reckless. I don't know why I insisted it could be fun & relaxing again - it never was. I put myself in danger many times. The only way to stay safe was to stop all together, because I never knew where it would take me.

Glad you are here to talk things over.

Poppy79

I used to blackout a lot as well. Became the new normal for me. It is a very scary place to be.
Once you start blacking out there is no turning back, the switch has been flicked. Your brain and body no longer processes ethanol in a 'safe' (oh the irony on this word) way and the only solution is to stop ingesting it.
Ethanol = poison.
Something that helps me to keep well clear of the booze is to think of it as I have mentioned above.
It's so logical. Why would I willingly want to drink poison knowing I am playing Russian roulette with my life and others if I do black out and decide to drive, or go psycho at a loved one etc etc
I hope you decide to kick this nightmare to the curb

Anna

I had blackouts like that at the end of my drinking days. I thought I was okay, and then hours would be lost. It was terrifying.

I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.

least

Welcome back! I hope we can help you get sober for good this time.

parismom

thanks you guys. it helps hearing (or reading) other stories about blacking out. i'm not a total freak and not alone. so it really does help me get my thoughts around this again and i am going to be poking around here a lot. i'm not much of a talker, more of a reader and listener. but i know i should also get my feelings out in the open so others can do what they can to help. right?!

poison...that's what it is, poppy you are right. next time i think to go for that wine (which will be this evening as usual...) i'm going to ask myself why am i going to put that poison down my own throat?

tomsteve

another blackout drinker here. even when i tried my damdest to not black out, it still happened. then passing in the next day with terror and bewilderment staring at me.
and repeat the viscious cycle.
then came the greatest gift i was ever given:
the day after my last blackout drunk, my ( by then ex- i just hadnt been informed yet) fiance telling me some of what i had done and said- through tears- then saying( actually closer to screaming," get out! get the **** out!"
i didnt argue.packed a bag and left.
and i was givent that gift- the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality and i was given the gift of desperation. gave myself 2 choices- get help or kill myself.
that was in april 2005.
i think that kinda tells the choice i made.

parismom, take a look around at the recovery programs available- look into them and learn what they are about and pick one and put it into action.
they all work if ya work em so work one youre worth it!

Dee74

Welcome back parismom - yeah I blacked out too with increasing
frequency ...

No drinking and hence no blackouts now for 10 years
I do not miss playing "what did Dee do last night?"

D

Zebra1275

Welcome back.

Alcoholism is progressive, it's not going to get any better.

And the truth is, you are getting older too. Your ability to recover from drinking episodes decreases over time.

Now is a good time to get sober.

Upstairs

Welcome back Parismom. As suggested already, I'd join that September class right away. Even if you mostly read, as I do, it gives me the feeling I'm not alone in recovery. Take care!

Delilah1

Welcome back Parismom, I'm glad you are here. I have found that reading and posting on SR daily has been a great support, and definitely one of the biggest pieces of my recovery plan.

The 24 hour thread is another great place you can check in daily. Hope to see you on here lots!