Sponsor too negative
 

My sponsor now wants me to call her as soon as I wake up. She told me yesterday the following:
- that I have a sick mind.
- that I can't trust my own Thinking
- that my brain is the same as someone on heroin
- when I wake up that my first thought is about myself.
- going for walks won't help.
Between that I was told that I will go insane if I give up drinking and don't go to AA. I think she is more insane than me. I feel like she is just projecting her own mind onto me. I'm tired of hearing that certain things don't work. I have done a lot of counseling and know what works or at least helps me not get Drunk. I don't want to leave Aa again but feel like the group I have attended is too cultic. She seems obsessed with AA and her own sponsor. Is this just my AV talking. I can't tell her all this. There's five of them in the group and they tell each other everything. Plus I don't want to insult her.

I'm not in AA, but I believe it is an excellent resource if you find a good group. Don't leave AA, rather explore other groups. Kinda like not quitting a job before you have another lined up. Then you can transition.

I have heard of folks going through several sponsers in a few months.

She will understand.

I have been w AA for nearly 18 months, still no sponser.

While i have had the smallest slips possibe, no relapses. I want to be a sober man.

I have yet to find a fellow drunk i want to sponser me. So many of the folks at my meetings are on meds...it is hard to relate for me.

Thanks.

That could describe just about every alcoholic. Which one don't you agree with?

The last 3. My brain is not that of a heroin addict. Walking kept me sober for 4 months.

I'm starting to doubt I am even an alcoholic. I have never lost jobs houses partners or children.

Perhaps she can elaborate on the heroin addict brain analogy, but I believe an addict brain is an addicted brain...be it alcohol, benzos, meth, or heroin. Maybe she picked heroin for the shock value.

Walking isn't recovery. It's healthy, it can serve as a distraction when you have cravings, but walking can't get to the root of the problem. It kept you sober for four months. But it didn't keep you sober.

And you don't think about yourself the first thing you wake up? What is your first thought? If it isn't about yourself, is it a negative thought. Perhaps she was just trying to point out that addiction is selfish. Do you disagree with that statement?

Walking only stopped working because I stopped walking. My first thought is about a cigarette and how I will keep busy that day. Nothing selfish or negative. I keep only people in my life who are uplifting and positive. No complainers around me. Even on here I only read the positive posts.

So long as you don't drink, that may well remain the case. If you do drink, never say never - nobody starts at the bottom.

Hi sweeti,

I think I understand what you are feeling. My first sponsor literally pointed her finger at me when I was expressing my frustration about my youngest kid who was a major trigger for me. Sponsor said, "YOU made her," followed by, "You're not even grown up yet." I was angry, upset, frustrated and hurt.

It took some sober time, some therapy, some suggestions from my HP and some space to understand she was right, but the delivery, timing and words did not work for me at all. More seasoned AA people unfortunately use AA "insider" shortcuts that can be off-putting for the rest of us.

Let me hazard a guess at what she means by the three you have objections with:
- that my brain is the same as someone on heroin
Physiologically, alcohol and heroin (and other opioids) act on the same receptors in the brain.

- when I wake up that my first thought is about myself.
Thinking about a cigarette and planning your day is about yourself. She probably means for you to say a prayer first thing. I don't know how to condition oneself to do that automatically.

- going for walks won't help.
I disagree, as do all of the substance abuse counselors and therapists I've ever seen. Exercise and nature are just plain good for a person, in part because they increase dopamine levels.

Of course, one can't stay sober just by walking. Or maybe some people can - I guess it depends on what the root of the problem is. (Say an Olympic speed walker who breaks her leg a week before trials and will not be eligible to participate in the next Olympics.)

I don't believe your AV is talking. I think you are looking for someone who is more interactive and less dogmatic. That's who I want too. My suggestion would be to find a more diverse AA group (actually try out a dozen or so if you can) and seek a new sponsor there.

O

Thanks Obladi for understanding. She did want me to say a prayer first thing. Didn't really get that. Walking really helps you already got that. I will look around, she is too young, seems a bit mental, I hate saying that because she means well, just someone more open-minded might suit me. You are great Ob thanks again.

Whoops, missed it on my first go-round. THIS is the AV talking:

I also never lost jobs houses partners or children over drinking. So far. But this would all likely have happened if I had kept on drinking. Because in the end I did lose control of my drinking just about every time I drank. And I worried about my growing psychological dependence for years before that .

Is your sponsor using the BB to guide you through the steps?

Hi Sweetichick , I know AA is a great fellowship they helped me alot during a two year spell of sobriety . For a while I had no sponsor then an Older man took me under his wing as my sponsor . He was a nice man and 30+ years sober but things changed . we couldn't get on and our relationship turned sour . Who was to blame ? No one (IMO) I think what happened was we were both fine with each other then the sponsor bit just didn't work . I have always struggled with authority ,a bit of a rebel and with him his way of thinking was was my way or the highway . I ,like you didn,t want to offend him and felt a bit trapped . What happened after that was in hindsight the worst thing I could have done , I stopped going to that meeting and ignored his calls ,where I should have tried harder to work things out with him. I still found other meetings in other areas . However , petered out over the following months , I couldn,t take any more long drunkalouges ( AV?), no ones fault but mine . Eventually I picked up a drink and had various lengths of binges on and off .
I am only 5 weeks sober but have life experience of alcoholism so my advice to you is please stay with AA but if you find your sponsor is driving you away try speaking with her and if it still doesnt work out look at having another sponsor , I personally got on better without a sponsor . Please remember a sponsor is firstly an alcoholic just like you and me might share many of the same traits ,they don't know everything .

Good luck

Thanks Thomas. That was really helpful. I missed their meeting tonight. I blocked her from calling me today. Might not be such a good idea.

Hello:

You are starting to believe you are not alchy or whatever you want to call it...?

Please go back and reread your post. You have come a long way (sponsor or not) to fall for this AV trap. Have you looked into AVRT? It's a great tool to add to your arsenal.

I don't think you should continue with this sponsor but don't block her calls, that's immature. Have a conversation with her and say you will look for someone else. Part of sobering up is growing and tough conversations are part of that process. I am really glad that you are not letting complainers in your life anymore and I really hope this applies to everyone in your life (I'm referring to your neighbor).

I see what you disagree with and I agree with O and Dog. I think that your sponsor was onto something but remember that it is never what we say it is how we say it. Perhaps she was a bit harsh in her ways.

Keep posting and working your plan. All these thought and conversations are part of the process.

We are here to listen: always!

Those things are not defining characteristics of alcoholism. They happen to all sorts of people, sometimes they happen to an alcoholic.

Only two things define alcoholism. Control and choice. If when you drink you cannot always control how much, or if when you honestly want to, you cannot quit entirely, then you are probably alcoholic. The rest of the stuff is just drama.

On the brain of a heroin addict, I vaguely remember a story along the lines of a well thought of person who as alcoholic, died in circumstances that required an autopsy. On looking at the brain, the pathologist noted it was in the same damaged state as a heroin addict, and n investigation ensued to see of the man had ever used heroin. He never had, he was just a drunk.

I would accept most of those points as being true for me in early recovery, except the one bout going for a walk. A bit of exercise never hurt anyone, but in another sense, exercise is not a known solution to alcoholism, so context might be important,

sponsors arent supposed to tell us what we want to hear.
they are supposed to tell us what we need to hear.

instead of jumping ship AGAIN
talk to your sponsor and ask her to explain so you can understand.

as i stated in a past reply, a sponsor cant answer questions or help if YOU dont ask questions and communicate.

"I'm starting to doubt I am even an alcoholic. I have never lost jobs houses partners or children."

go back and read your past threads. should ttake long for you to see thats a lie. not uncommon for us alkies to start thinking that early on.
not only that, alcoholism isnt about losing jobs,houses,partners, or children.
but you forgot the MOST important thing you have lost:
yourself.
imo and just from your posts,thread, youre not an alcoholic.
youre a REAL alcoholic

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

notice it says bodily and mentally different?
it would be wise to read the chapters
there is a solution and more about alcoholism.

Well, going for walks is likely a much better help than
it appears this sponsorship offers.

SweetChick run run and don't look back she is not your Mom or Dad.. and the last thing you need is to have someone telling you how dumb you are.. ekekekek... you are doing great... find another program.. group of people or just one... ekekekk and hold tight to this great group of people for with out them my life would not be this centered and I mean that from the bottom of my heart..