hellrzr

Tomsteve does it again!! Fantastic stuff right there.

Sweetchick, it sounds to me like you have the exact sponsor you need at this time.

Pathwaytofree

What does your close family know about AA? The people in AA know about AA. We know what works because we lived in and experienced it. Having a sponsor and going through the steps is the way to recover. Just going to meetings doesn't cut it.

Um... judge much?? So what, your sponsor got fired for being incompetent. She's gone through the step work, has recovered, I'm sure she learned her lessons in Step 4 work, made amends in Step 8. Her work and personal life is none of your business. She's just there to take you through the steps.

Wow.

You don't need someone older or stabler. Anyone can take you through the steps as long as they went through it themselves and had a spiritual awakening.

One of my favorite speakers has multiple high level degrees in math and science, and his sponsor didn't graduate from high school. He successfully took him through the step work. He not only hasn't drank in over 30 years, but he has recovered from alcoholism (centers in the mind).

How about you look inward, focus on yourself and not on other people. You made the choice to pick up again instead of working with a sponsor who was telling you the truth, even though she wasn't the perfect ideal sponsor for you. Sit with that for a while.

Big book page 58/59:
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful!"

AnvilheadII

you said that WALKING was a good way for you to stay sober.

so you bought a car.

you said you KNOW how to stay sober and that this sponsor is wrong.

so you bought more alcohol.

those are choices made by a sick mind.

the only "age" of a good sponsor that matters is the amount of sober time they have. because it means they are doing what you cannot - stay sober one day at a time.

Anna

A Reminder:

The Newcomers Forum is a safe and welcoming place for newcomers. Respect is essential. (Support and experience only please.)

DarklingSong

Sweetichick,
I hope you are doing ok? I am not long sober so I cannot claim any particular knowledge on that score. I do know from my own experience that when I am vulnerable and lost I need a certain kind of support (caring kindness). At other times I need some straight talking from someone (tough love). Often it takes a professional to know when gentleness versus tough love is required to help a person. I think psychotherapy with an experienced therapist is invaluable when we are all mixed up about where to turn next or trying to figure out who we can trust. It has helped me a lot in the past. It doesn't necessarily tackle all elements of an addiction (group support may be important for this) but it can help you to connect with others so those relationships can be more rewarding and less fraught.
Support to you.

August252015

Sweeti, if you could hear me right now, you would hear me yelling "THIS! THIS! THIS!!!!!"

Exactly this.

I DID find fault with just about everyone and everything- because I wanted to keep drinking. Simple as that. I had to get to the point that I was told I had a year, 18 mo to live (note: I had been told pretty much the same thing three years prior) AND ACCEPTED IT AS TRUE. I quit fighting people who were trying their d*mndest to help me- and were just about to quit, if I didn't STOP. DRINKING.

So, I went to AA. I went and listened. I probably didn't speak for six weeks or so. Some days I was pissed off. Some, confused. Some, sobbing....but I kept going and I started learning how 1 not to be a victim 2 what my problem(s) were that I'd been using drinking to "handle" (ha) 3 a new way of living that is....free. peaceful. HAPPY.

I had a hard a** first sponsor too. She used to tell me that if she wasn't on my 4th step inventory she wasn't doing her job. But I HAD to hear and to listen to everything she said - she was harsh and her recovery and mine are not the same- but she was RIGHT about the very basics.

I'll stop here and just say again- please listen to the brilliant response from Madbird.

I believe one billion percent that a "new freedom and a new peace" are within the realm of possibility for those of us who want to find , learn and live differently than we did when drinking. I hope you choose to do this, too.

applewakesup

I am not an aa member, but I would not spend time with someone that treated me like that. I know that some AA sponsors use a bully approach, but that would never work with me. I was really turned off to the first AA meeting I went to because the people were so pushy and assumed so much about me.

I also don't know if I'm an alcoholic. That question kept me drinking until I figured out that the choices were: a) I'm and alcoholic or b)I'm not an alcoholic but alcohol is causing problems in my life (mostly hangovers, but occasionally embarrassing behavior when drunk and blackouts).

The solution to both those problems is to quit drinking, so that's what I did. I am 96 days sober now, and I am reaching out a lot through podcasts, groups on social media, and today I went to my second ever AA meeting. This was a different group and they were completely different. No one cornered me or assumed I was there on a court order or that I spent every night out drinking leaving my kid at home. It took 2 months for me to get over that first awful experience and try a new one. I'm still not sure I will stay, but I brought my knitting and I listened. I'm going back on Tuesday and we will see what happens.

Good luck to you! I do think you should tell the woman you would like to find a different sponsor, but you don't owe her an explanation. This is your recovery and your one and only life.

sweetichick

Thanks Apple. That's the first encouraging post I have received in a while. I'm not sure what I will do. I haven't ring her and she hasn't ring me. I will see how I feel oñce I have a few days sober again.

Dee74

Sorry you're not finding posts emcouraging sweetichick.

maybe if you can give us an idea of the kind of support you'd find encouraging, maybe we can improve communication on both sides that way?

D

sweetichick

It was good that people encouraged me to stay in AA. I just didn't like being told that my mind was sick. A couple of posts were a bit confrontational as well. I can understand that posters are trying to help. I have been on SR for a while and I know I am still struggling to stay sober.

August252015

"For years, I was certain that the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today, I believe it is the best thing that ever happened to me. This proves that I don't know what's best (for me)...and if I don't know what's best for me, then I don't know what's best for anyone else..." - BB 4th ed, para p 418

We can only speak- legitimately- from our experience, strength and hope. How many of us wanted to be "sick" or believe that our minds were "damaged" or "abnormal" or such? Pretty much no one wants to believe that, or truly accept it.

I understand that it is a HUGE leap from where you are, sweeti- a place many of us have been, or we were "worse off"- to believe the part of the BB I just cited, yet what I believe most of us were trying to share is how WE found a new life, sober, and without the immense struggle we hear you describing and living....and those of us in AA are explaining it in that context.

Again, I hope you will find a way to quit drinking, first, and then simply be open to hearing from all the people who understand what and where you are. Repeating that cycle was the start to a better life for most or all of us.

sweetichick

Thanks August. I do feel like life is a tremendous struggle atm.

August252015

I should also add, sweeti - I was TERRIFIED of what would happen when I quit. I remember so clearly (now) the feeling over the last six months of my drinking that I was headed towards SOME kind of end....either quitting, or death. Not knowing what would happen when I quit - at least the drinking life was a known- all that stuff. It's a scary, wretched, terrible place. I am still not sure why I "got" the message when I did- I do believe it was a least a good part a God thing, since I believe in God- but I do hope it happens to you, too.

You deserve a better life- that was another thing that was tough for me to believe, because I had caused SO much wreckage.....I can promise you that you deserve one, too - no matter how bad things are now.

Take care, don't drink- today. Just a start. Hugs.

Obladi

Sweeti, I hope you know from my previous post that I understand. The fact is that we do have "sick minds." I often here in meetings people saying something like, "in my alcoholic brain..." It's something to acknowledge and accept in a sort of neutral way. My chemistry has change, my neural pathways have been changed because of my abuse of alcohol. The good news is that without alcohol, those conditions start to heal.

As far as which sponsor and which meetings, that is completely up to you and I support that as long as you pick and commit.

For years (reference my join date) I was waiting for something outside of myself to light the fire of recover/discovery. I was waiting for conditions to aligned and sort of for everything else to be "done." I believe that for most of us it's not a matter of the stars aligning, but it's more a matter of deciding we can't continue to live in active addiction and we become willing to force ourselves to do things we don't want to do.

You know how people say, "If I can do this, you can do it?" I get that now. I was so depressed and anxious this summer that I was in the psych emergency room twice. I was admitted to the psych unit the first time and they wanted to admit me the second time but I talked them out of it. I realized that second time that I know what needs to be done, I just needed to do it.

This alcoholic doesn't know what tomorrow will bring. I may or may not drink, but it doesn't matter. Today I will continue doing the things that need doing and I will not drink.

All of this is not to praise myself but is an attempt to show compassion and that I can identify where you are right now. It's a horrible place and I'm cheering for you to get out of there.

O

tomsteve

well, theres no uniqueness there now!
its very common for alkies to not like hear the hear or read the cold hard facts.
we have sick minds when were drinking AND early in recovery.
the facts are in your past posts,SC.
Going to AA tonight Drank a bottle
Worried this bottle has made me more drunk than I thought

Stuffed up again on payday
. Problem was I was so stressed on payday. Two large bills. Money I owed my friend. I keep paying him double to get a cigarette when I have none. Everytime I go grocery shopping the prices are up. So stressed I spent half the time in the car willing myself to go back in the shops. On the way home my car seemed to drive itself to the bottle shop. Bought a bottle of vodka.
__________________________________________________ __________________________
thats just a very little- are those the words and actions of a healthy mind?idk.

as far as " couple of posts were a bit confrontational as well."
so, heres one of the promises of the program, which you will find once you blow the dust off your BB and start reading it:
our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
that happens IF we are painstaking about this phase of our development- something that will always materialize if we work for it.
what happens with that change in attitude and outlook?
welp, for me it was seeing that my perception early on was very screwed up- the ONLY confrontation came from me( which i talked about a a little bit in a previous reply).
i can look back at what ive been told and see that what i was told had no confrontation from the other party involved- it was all me.
just as whats happening with you.
heres a part of the BB that addresses it:

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. this we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.



youre probably struggling to stay sober for a few reasons:
-you havent surrendered. you havent admitted or accepted to your inner most self that you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanagable( past posts again show this is true)
- possibly hopin theres an easier,softer way
- you havent decided you are willing to go to ANY lengths for victory over alcohol.

sc, pick up your BB and read the chapters "more about alcoholism" and 'there is a solution." its a good ACTION to do.
when was the last time ya read anything it the BB?

tomsteve

my lifes always a struggle when i dont live in solutions.

Flawed

Hey sweetichick, I get where you're at. When I first dipped my toe in the AA pool, I wasn't ready to get sober. I was sensitive to everything and picked everything apart. That being said, I have also seen sponsors be incredibly rude to people and also just not be a right fit....like any relationship. Try different meetings and sponsors if needed. This is your recovery and just keep trying, please. Your addiction will try to put things into your head, so check your motives and discuss it with your sponsor. They may not realize that they do some of the things they do, they're humans and still have room to grow. Or, they may just not be a good fit for you and you can find someone that works better for your recovery. Lots of luck to you, dear....don't let this take you off the path!

sweetichick

I really struggled again today. I made it through sober
Tomsteve I am reading the big book plus listening to Joe and Charlie's podcasts. I accept that my mind is sick from the long term effects of drinking. I haven't talked to my sponsor.

sweetichick

August I feel like you in that I have pushed the boundaries too far. Thanks Obladi. I hope that I get out of this mess.

Obladi

You absolutely can get out once you absolutely let go of the notion of having any control over what happens when you take the first drink. Turn the "hope" into "will."

O