Caprice6

Hello everyone,

I have decided for the umpteenth time to give this a go again. I have not only been through these minute-by-minute living nightmares of everlasting alcohol withdrawal, but have already been hospitalized for a week for one (years ago), lost a good paying job (I hated anyway), had 2 DUI's (cost me dearly but no one else thankfully), been through therapy (but never stuck to it because I'd always end up relapsing instead), and pretty much exhausted all the walk-in clinics within my vicinity for benzos to get through withdrawals (just enough to get me through, not to remain for longer than necessary afterward), so this time, it has to be cold turkey (it also mostly has been), and I have to find a better way, seek professional help because obviously I cannot help myself at this point.
It goes back to a dozen years or so since I started daily drinking heavily - beer 8-12 (on any given day) 500 ml large cans. The longest I've gone sober was close to 3 months 2 summers ago. Usually, after withdrawals, it can last 2 weeks and once I did up to 3! It's really a pity.
After this hell has past (anxiety at its peak, my eyeballs looking like I've dropped acid, sweating, shakes, burnt tongue, vivid nightmares when I do dose off...) I have the number for an addiction specialist at a center to help me stay sober, hopefully. I could have called today, but I don't feel good enough yet to deal with it.
The only thing I can be proud that I accomplish and take care of besides drinking like a fish, are my 2 senior (9 and 10) dogs I had since they were puppies.
This has to be it.

SimplyFree

Stay strong!

january161992

once i was regularly attending aa meetings my desire to drink was removed

heres a chip for ya

God bless

Caprice6

Thanks. I thought what an awful intro. I didn't know where to begin, and if I had said too much. I just feel so done with it but it's not the first time, so i must go about it differently now and seek out new alternatives.

Caprice6

Thanks! I will do what it takes, what they tell me. I can't fool myself anymore about how I can do it alone (after so many failed attempts, so many mishaps, withdrawals, health scares, criminal record - I just never learn). I was and am still quite agitated at this stage.

Poppy79

Lots of people out there, many professionals ready and willing to help if you put your hand up for it.
Scariest thing I did was truly surrender and accept the help. Went to inpatient treatment last November and wish I had gone years earlier. Walking through those doors was terrifying but after a few minutes it wasn't. I was in the right place to get the help I desperately needed.
Take the help wherever it might be offered, it will change your life if you let it.

hpdw

I feel the same way as you Caprice ,whatever it takes i,m not going back .
Your agitation will settle . I was told "Do positive rather than just think positive " I took that to mean we can think positive all day and night but the real work is done by doing positive things . I have asked my wife to show me how to hang washing on the line ,apparently there is a wrong way and a right way , this is both fun and helpful at the same time ,simple things like this can lift my mood . Asking elderly neighbours if they require prescriptions or groceries , taking in/out their wheelie bins etc etc . Might sound trivial but all the little things build up.

I,m happy for you that youve made this decision .

Caprice6

I just called the center, got a brief assessment over the phone and a nurse will follow-up tomorrow. They asked if I wanted in-patient. It would be preferably but I live alone and have 2 dogs, also have others I care for on a daily basis, so I really couldn't go for the inpatient. The dogs need me and financially I can't afford to place them both at a daycare, lose my present gigs and pay rent, which is crazy high in the city. I opted for out patient for the time being. My entire family too is not around and I have one good friend, but she works full time and asks me to care for her dog as well.

Poppy79

I'm sure outpatient will be beneficial. I have two dogs myself and find them very helpful with maintaining my sobriety.
Taking that first step of reaching out is massive so you should be extremely proud of yourself, takes a bucket load of courage

Caprice6

Thank you, I will definitely keep that in mind. Doing good deeds for others does make you feel good about yourself.

Caprice6

That is so sweet of you

My lab just turned 10 (had him since he was a pup) and my beagle is 9 (likewise had him since a pup). We are out most of the time walking other dogs and at parks, or travelling together. They're healthy, I've never neglected them throughout the years, but I would prefer to be healthy and stronger myself for them consistently (and others).

Poppy79

One of my fur babies turns 14 in November and my other turns 4 also in November. Both are chihuahua's.
It's amazing how being sober allows me to look after them so much better than when I was in active addiction. They have always been loved and looked after well but I still have residual guilt about the times I was out of it and what if something happened to them, needing urgent vet care.
I'm sure your fur babies will enjoy the sober you even more than they do now.

Caprice6

Aw, I walk 2 regular chihuahuas on a daily basis, both older (12 and 7 - middle aged lol).
The thing I'd feel guilty about was the shorter walks with mine when I was in withdrawal or ending a binge - tired and worn out to go very far. But ever since I quit corporate and started out working with other people's dogs, I go the extra mile and even hour at times (when it<s nice and I have nothing pressing) no matter in what rough shape I am. It gets exhausting, having to be out and physical all day (but I do get good breaks throughout the day), so I really need to quit for that reason too.
Here I must go again to walk another one (quite strong and aggressive with stranger dogs) so I gotta be on my toes and strong to hold her back. Been in and out since 8 at this with her and others along with mine. I have this latest since Tuesday (my day 1), mornings and evenings, it's been quite the challenge! But I do feel like the fog is lifting today, finally (day 3.5).

least

I got sober so I could take better care of my dogs and cats. They love the care I give them, and I'm never too drunk or sick to walk them.

Dee74

Welcome Caprice

D

Caprice6

Same. Some days I may have been too weak for mine to be out for as long or walk further, and it would eat up at me, even though it was still a respectable outing.
They're one of the main reasons too I didn't go back to corporate (I should've said earlier). I felt so guilty leaving them for so long at home and missed them too much. Many dog ppl here where I live and I started getting approached to board, daycare, walk and slowly grew my base. And they always know that I'm there with regular updates on how their puppy is doing/has done, pics etc. It's a big deal to me that they trust me with their keys to their home and to take proper care of their dogs, and it's imperative I do a good job because it's my passion, my own business and living.
In this business it's a lot of word of mouth, positive reviews and even referrals from established walkers who either have too much to handle or the dog is too difficult. I don't turn down any, so I may end up with some special one's referred to me. I'm grateful for that because they often time become regular boarders and repeats.
Sorry about going off on a tangent, I just love what I do now, but still would need to establish myself better, and getting clean and on point helps in becoming more productive in order to keep growing, and possibly open my own doggie daycare (my apartment is half that now but if I build, I'd need a bigger place).

Caprice6

Thank you, Dee !

Caprice6

I should add that for 8 years previously the dogs came to work with me, but then I moved out of town and this new job,although it paid well, just didn't work out. whatever.
I just better not let myself down now.