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I hate myself- I cant control my drinking

Old 09-05-2017, 08:30 AM
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I hate myself- I cant control my drinking

Hi Guys,

First time posting here. I have known for a long time that I was an alcoholic. I quit drinking last summer for 6 months, and then relapsed and have been drinking heavily ever since. I black out all the time, but I am only 26 years old and cannot imagine a life with no alcohol. I have two destination weddings coming up (one that is mine, that probably wont happen if I don't sober up) and the other is my best friends. I am so scared that I cant do this.

I have recently been blacking out and freaking out on my FiancÚ, and I have told him horrible things about how I cant over stuff from the past etc., and now I am afraid he thinks that is true. I recently quit smoking weed too.. and ever since then I am drinking way way more than I was and I just have this chip on my shoulder I am angry all the time, at anything.

I cant do it alone this time. Last time I was white knuckling it because I have a lot of pride, and I am so scared to tell people I don't drink anymore and to fail again. I don't know what to do... I'm scared, lonely, and lost. I just got out of a 4 day binge and I hate myself. I wake up drenched in sweat, my mouth is so dry. I have extreme depression and anxiety over things I have said and done while drunk. I feel suicidal a lot of days after drinking. I don't have one sober friend. The only one I have is because she is pregnant...
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Old 09-05-2017, 08:42 AM
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Welcome!

I think you touched on one of the keys to recovery in your post--and that is having sober friends. SoberRecovery can be one source of "friends" and support, so read around and post often. My wife and I quit drinking about five years ago, and we found AA meetings to be very helpful too. I am sure there is an AA meeting soon near you!
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by icandothis20 View Post
I black out all the time, but I am only 26 years old and cannot imagine a life with no alcohol.
I am here to tell you there is life without alcohol. But at 26 you can't imagine it, and while actively drinking you can't comprehend it.

At 26 I didn't want to quit drinking either. What I wanted was to be able to drink without the terrible consequences of my drinking. I so want it, I tried for the next twenty-something years.

Spare yourself the grief. Quit and quit for good. You are a blackout drinker. That's life WITH drinking. Your life will be so much better without alcohol.
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:29 AM
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Hi and welcome. I'm female too and understand. I wish I had quit at 26 ( I'm 43 now).

I always knew I had a problem and drank more/differently than others. Looking back I got up to so much bad/stupid/embarrassing stuff in my 20s and got away with it but by the time I got to my 30s life was passing me by and stuff that was funny/cute at 25 is just plain embarrassing by 35.

I lost friends, relationships, a good career stalled, respect, looks etc all because of my drinking.

You admit yourself there might not even be a wedding if your drinking continues. Is alcohol worth losing your future husband and your future over?

Trust me, it gets worse and worse. All my friends got married and had families and stopped drinking excessively and partying whereas mine just got progressively worse and I lost so much.

I know it's hard when everyone around you is drinking but it is possible to not drink and have a great life. I understand what you say about future weddings but there will always be an event/wedding/ christening/21st/engagement/ birthdayanniversary/any excuse to drink. Until you don't drink and you can enjoy these events sober.

maybe stick around SR and read and post and see how you feel
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:33 AM
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You can do this. Look around for supportive resources in your area and hten use them. Like Carl said, I too wanted to drink without the terrible consequences but that didn't work out so well. Life is so much easier and guilt free without alcohol involved.

I haven't had a cigarette since last thursday. I couldn't envision NOT smoking. It is hard to quit but if you do it one hour, one day, at a time, you will get there. Add positive things to your life as you go along and you won't miss the negative things. Good luck and keep coming back.
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:36 AM
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None of us here can control drinking so your not alone

White knuckling it all the time is a sure way to be drinking again IMHO....you need a solid plan and a solid support foundation, coming here was a great start!

I too suffer severe depression and anxiety, I can tell you WITHOUT exception that booze worsens these conditions.

26 is a great age to get your life back
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:57 AM
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You can do this! I'm 30 and wish I had quit drinking earlier. I had a drinking problem since I first started drinking and it only kept getting worse. It's hard not having sober friends, I know. I get lonely sometimes too but it'll get better. SR is definitely a good place to start. What about your fiance? Does he drink too?
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Old 09-05-2017, 10:09 AM
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I'm glad you posted and I hope you decide to stop drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. Blackouts are horrible and dangerous, especially for a woman.

As far as your wedding and your best friend's wedding - it's about making a choice. There will ALWAYS be a reason to drink and a reason to not stop drinking, always. It's just a question of doing the right thing for yourself and your life.
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Old 09-05-2017, 10:16 AM
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Icandothis,

Welcome. You CAN do this.

I'm so sorry for the trouble you find yourself in. But you DO have it in your power to change. I "tried" countless times to moderate, cut back, quit half-heartedly ("wishing" I could still drink, not being able to imagine "never" drinking again).

It never worked. Until... eventually... I realized I had it within me all along to stop "trying" and just do it. It sounds so simple, but it really is. You don't have to "give up" alcohol as much as CHOOSE to have a better life. Turn it from giving up, to gaining. Once you start drinking dangerously, as you have, it brings nothing but misery and damage. If you keep going the way you are, your life, health, relationships, career, looks -- everything -- will suffer.

Right now your addiction is fooling you into thinking alcohol makes everything "fun" and worthwhile. It's actually the opposite. It doesn't sound very fun to be risking your engagement and the joy of an upcoming wedding, waking up "scared, lonely and lost", hating yourself, and feeling depressed, anxious and desperate. It seems so obvious, yet in the grip of addiction, we don't want to give THAT up?

Read around here, post, take in the shared wisdom. You'll meet many of us who, like you, went through "not being able to imagine life without alcohol" to getting to the point where we are THANKFUL to not have it ruling our lives anymore.

You're on the brink of the start of an incredibly important stage of your life. Cherish that!

You've done a great thing by posting here. If you need to, please, seek out help in real life, too. Talk frankly to your fiance. See a doctor if you are worried about stopping safely. But you CAN do it.

You deserve a better life. It can start now.
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Old 09-05-2017, 10:22 AM
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icandothis,

So glad you're here and looking for better ways than white-knuckling. That is sometimes just as miserable as drinking (without the puking), isn't it?

I agree with the others. There is a life in sobriety and there are plenty of sober people out there - we just need to do some work. Intimidating, uncomfortable, inconvenient? Yeah, but isn't going to work with a hangover or talking with your fiance after a blackout those same things?

I resisted AA for ten years. What a waste! When I found the right meetings, and I did have to look around, I landed in a place where I've found understanding and friendships. No Big Book thumping in any of these.

I think it's safe to assume that you want to throw everything you can in building and maintaining a successful marriage. Step 1: Start with your sobriety above all else. Go to inpatient rehab or intensive outpatient treatment or AA or SMART or all of these.

My debilitating depression and anxiety when I was drunk was real - alcohol just brought it out of hiding and intensified it. So I see a therapist too.

I have a thread over in the Alcoholism forum if you want to know more - don't want to take over your thread with my suggestions.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Kateangel View Post
You can do this! I'm 30 and wish I had quit drinking earlier. I had a drinking problem since I first started drinking and it only kept getting worse. It's hard not having sober friends, I know. I get lonely sometimes too but it'll get better. SR is definitely a good place to start. What about your fiance? Does he drink too?
I definitely know it isn't going to get better. I like to have this little analogy that Alcoholism is like riding an elevator down. If you get off at one point, DO NOT go back on, as it aint going anywhere but down. I am trying to keep this in my thoughts. My Fiance does drink yes. He is a complete normal drinker and I have never seen him lose control. I have spoken to him frankly that maybe he wont be able to drink in front of me. I put myself into some situations that tested my sobriety very early on last time, hence why I called it white knuckling. I have gotten 6 months before, I will do it again. This time I will be much more careful the situations I put myself in. Although I do know there is always going to be another situation that calls me to drink. I also keep remembering that this wedding could be me blacking out and hating myself or me being a grown up and having my Fiance proud to marry me. I chose the second option.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
icandothis,

So glad you're here and looking for better ways than white-knuckling. That is sometimes just as miserable as drinking (without the puking), isn't it?

I agree with the others. There is a life in sobriety and there are plenty of sober people out there - we just need to do some work. Intimidating, uncomfortable, inconvenient? Yeah, but isn't going to work with a hangover or talking with your fiance after a blackout those same things?

I resisted AA for ten years. What a waste! When I found the right meetings, and I did have to look around, I landed in a place where I've found understanding and friendships. No Big Book thumping in any of these.

I think it's safe to assume that you want to throw everything you can in building and maintaining a successful marriage. Step 1: Start with your sobriety above all else. Go to inpatient rehab or intensive outpatient treatment or AA or SMART or all of these.

My debilitating depression and anxiety when I was drunk was real - alcohol just brought it out of hiding and intensified it. So I see a therapist too.

I have a thread over in the Alcoholism forum if you want to know more - don't want to take over your thread with my suggestions.
I have been resisting AA too... I'm scared to walk in those doors. What is someone knows me? Cant get worse than it is.
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Old 09-05-2017, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by icandothis20 View Post
I have been resisting AA too... I'm scared to walk in those doors. What is someone knows me? Cant get worse than it is.
I would argue worse than that is still drinking and things getting worse iv been a blackout drinker for some time and finally getting sober, think u will find if someone sees u or knows ur going if they are good and want whats best for u they will support ur choice think we all need any help we can get its hard and for me still cant imagine being happy without drinking but so many good people here and elsewhere are proof thats not the case its just the hardest thing to get there all the best
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:31 PM
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"I black out all the time, but I am only 26 years old and cannot imagine a life with no alcohol."

cant be worse than life WITH alcohol still in it,can it?
what cant you imagine?
a life without blackouts?
how nice it is to wake up in the morning not being full of fear over what may have happened the night before?
the money lost to alcohol?
not being angry all the time?
not being scared,lonely and lost?
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by icandothis20 View Post
I have been resisting AA too... I'm scared to walk in those doors. What is someone knows me? Cant get worse than it is.
walking into a place to get help and seeing someone you know-what a blessing!!!

would ya rather people ya know see ya at an AA meeting or at one of them weddings and youre plastered and acting insanly while youre in a blackout?

no, seeing someone ya know at AA cant be worse than this.
think about it: IF you do see someone at AA ya know at an AA meeting, they will be happy to see you are finally getting help.
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:37 PM
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Yeah there is no coming back from being a black out drinker. I was the same, would say and do horrid things and have no memory of it, just a gut feeling that I went too far yet again. Trying to moderate after that black out 'switch' has been flicked is impossible, I tried for years until I realised I just can't drink.
You got 6 months before so you know you can do it but guard your sobriety like it is life and death because it really is.
I just hit the 10 month mark with 1 minor blip on the way and before November last year I could not string 2 days sober together.
Have you got any hobbies or interests that you can sink your teeth into? Keeping busy is important I have learnt.
Congrats on your nuptials by the way. I'm sure it will be a beautiful day full of love and joy x
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:46 PM
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Welcome to SR icandothis.

I'm a similar age (25) and have been exactly where you are now more times than I can remember. It is certainly possible, but I would highly recommend coming up with a solid plan that will keep you sober. You can then add/remove things as you go and find the right balance.

I know having some sober friends definitely helped me in the early days. For me, I found them at SR. I told all my 'real life' friends shortly afterwards, and to be honest I don't think they care as much as you think they will. Sure, I get questioned from time to time but at this point it doesn't bother me at all. Every time I see others drinking it just reinforces why I want nothing to do with it anymore.

On the AA point - if somebody knows you at AA then you will also know that they have an alcohol problem! Going to AA is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about. It personally didn't work for me, but I would strongly recommend trying everything you can, and see which fits you, as a person, the most.

You can do it, as your username suggests
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:00 PM
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I black out all the time, but I am only 26 years old and cannot imagine a life with no alcohol. )

I have two destination weddings coming up (one that is mine, that probably wont happen if I don't sober up)

Sounds like you are torn between two lovers, alcohol or your fiancÚ

Which one are you going to choose?
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by BringingBackB View Post
Welcome to SR icandothis.

I'm a similar age (25) and have been exactly where you are now more times than I can remember. It is certainly possible, but I would highly recommend coming up with a solid plan that will keep you sober. You can then add/remove things as you go and find the right balance.

I know having some sober friends definitely helped me in the early days. For me, I found them at SR. I told all my 'real life' friends shortly afterwards, and to be honest I don't think they care as much as you think they will. Sure, I get questioned from time to time but at this point it doesn't bother me at all. Every time I see others drinking it just reinforces why I want nothing to do with it anymore.

On the AA point - if somebody knows you at AA then you will also know that they have an alcohol problem! Going to AA is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about. It personally didn't work for me, but I would strongly recommend trying everything you can, and see which fits you, as a person, the most.

You can do it, as your username suggests
It can seem very difficult to get sober when you are young. Do you mind me asking how much time you have? I also too, felt like that last time I quit drinking, I watched drunk people and was very turned off. Today I haven't drank so for that I am grateful!
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Old 09-05-2017, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Zebra1275 View Post
I black out all the time, but I am only 26 years old and cannot imagine a life with no alcohol. )

I have two destination weddings coming up (one that is mine, that probably wont happen if I don't sober up)

Sounds like you are torn between two lovers, alcohol or your fiancÚ

Which one are you going to choose?
Nicely put, That gives me a lot to think about.
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