BringingBackB

9 months today actually. I'm still learning as I go and had about 100 false starts! But something feels a bit different this time.

Great job not drinking today

hpdw

Welcome to SR , great support and wisdom here .
I wish you well

rjyerkes

Please don't be too hard on yourself. That's the very thing that led most of us to substance abuse.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but there are a few prescriptions to help. Campral has been used in Europe since the 80's for cravings and it's been available in the states since '04. They're not sure why it works but for many people it reduces/eliminates cravings for alcohol. You can find reviews online. This site won't let me post links yet, but it has turned MANY people's lives around that were all but over. There's also Baclofen which was developed as a muscle relaxant for people suffering from MS but found to be greatly helpful in maintaining abstinence. Then there's Naltrexone which blocks opioid receptors in the brain greatly reducing the effects of alcohol. Last but not least there's Antabuse which will make you violently ill if you drink while taking it and up to 2 weeks after.

American physicians and counselors are not very familiar with these options so you may have to ask your provider. If they won't do it, get one who will. Some believe that it's switching out one substance for another but that's incorrect as none of the above are mind/mood altering substances. Some providers are judgmental if they've never experienced addiction...some are even if they have.

We're all struggling with our own demons. You are in good company as we are all trying to be a little bit better than we were yesterday. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself. Change your internal voice to say the things you would say to your most cherished loved ones and you will begin to trust yourself and heal. Tell the other voices that you've heard their words (probably your whole life) so they can sit down now and let someone else speak. It's not an instant cure. Very few things worthwhile are...just don't give up. Every day is a new opportunity to learn and grow. You are worth it. We all are

Gottalife

I was 22 when I got sober, and have read continuous sobriety, by the grace or the God of my understanding. There is another member here who got sober when he was 17. Personally I know dozens of folk who got sober in their twenties and found lasting recovery in AA.

I totally relate to your fear around meetings. I doubt I would have got there if I had to turn up cold. Instead I phoned AA and arranged to see a recovered alcoholic. He "12 stepped" me, which means he helped me sort out what my problem was, and explained the AA solution over the course of an afternoon. That night he took me to my first meeting, and looked after me in the following weeks as I found my feet.

I learned more in that afternoon than I would in fifty meetings, and it sounds to me like you are going to need to do more than just turn up at meetings. For alcoholics of my type, meetings are only a part of the solution.

The other thing I suggest is don't get hung up on age. I have seen a few young people do that, and they didn't survive. There is no such thing as young adult alcoholism. We have the same illness as the older ones, and perhaps through that afternoon, I learned about how to look for the similarities. My experience was just the same .

When I first went to AA, everyone looked old. Now they all look young!

Hevyn

We're so glad you found us, Icandothis. Being here will help with the anxiety as you make this big change in your life.

When I was 26 I felt just the same as you do. I couldn't imagine life without drinking. It was still relatively fun then - I hadn't done much damage & had some control. So I kept going with it - trying to moderate. I drank for 30 yrs. total. By the end of my drinking career I had a life in ruins. I'd done reckless & dangerous things - destroyed my reputation at work and with my family. What I wouldn't give to go back and do what you're doing. Everything would have turned out so differently. Be proud of yourself for taking a hard look at what drinking has done to your life. Yes, you can do this.

Dee74

welcome icandothis

D

Obladi

My psychiatrist says he believes that Naltrexone and Campral are equally effective at reducing cravings - his theory is that one works better for some and vice versa.

You can still call AA (Google it) and ask for someone to come over to talk and go to your first meeting with you. At least that's what I've found.

I agree with Gottalife - there is only one disease of alcoholism (now called Alcohol Abuse Disorder). Like any other medical problem, the earlier it's arrested, the better off you are! I for certain knew I had a problem around your age, but didn't even give it a thought when I decided to return to drinking after my third child stopped nursing.

Good for you for seeking help.

O

Gottalife

Alcohol use disorder is one of the most useful definitions for alcohol problems that the medical community has come up with. As it was explained to me, it is a disorder with a very long tail starting at mild, and going through to chronic or severe.

The vast majority straighten out before getting to the severe stage with little help required. But there is a small group of us at the chronic end for whom the-only known solution is some kind of conversion experience. These are the cases for whom AA works best.

There is a little conundrum. I once suffered severe alcohol use disorder but I have not had a drink in a long time. I no longer have a diagnosable alcohol use disorder. Having recovered, I no longer suffer from alcoholism, but I am still an alcoholic. One drink could still have fatal consequences.

I had a bunch of school friends at one time and we all had a diagnosable alcohol use disorder. It was hard to tell any difference in drinking and behavior. One by one other things caught their attention and they moderated their drinking or stopped altogether. I didn't.

Today none of us have a diagnosable alcohol used disorder, but I am still an alcoholic, and they remain social drinkers or non drinkers by personal choice.

Obladi

There's a diagnosis for that: Alcohol Use Disorder - In Remission.
No kidding.

So just like a person who has had cancer or Type II diabetes, vigilance and appropriate self-care is required for a lifetime.

But back to the original topic - how are you doing today, icandothis? What do you think you will do to support your sobriety? What are your plans in regard to future drinking?

I'm happy to communicate via PM too. I'm older than you but am a woman and have a daughter approximately your age.

DayTrader

Check...check.......check.........check.........ch eck. Man, I know that stuff all too well. Deep down, I knew the next 5 drinks would make things worse but, for a moment, they'd make me feel better. But that feeling-better-time would be fleeting then it'd be back to that crap you listed above. I could see the cycle, knew it was coming, but didn't know how to stop it.

For me, it wasn't about taking some meds to get some relief. It wasn't about going to a meeting and hoping I'd feel better afterwards. It wasn't about finding some new activities in life to take my mind off of my troubles. I knew those things were just Band-Aids.....offering up limited relief. Worst of all, I knew they were just treating some of the run-off sludge but they weren't stopping the creation of what seemed some massive toxic-waste creator inside of me somewhere.

I suspected something BIG was necessary.......but where to get it? Whom do I trust? What's it going to entail? Valid questions for sure. Not knowing/seeing the answers to them held me in my pain for many months. All the while, it kinda seemed like AA was getting pressed up into my vision a lot. Like, everywhere I went and everyone I talked to who understood, who seemed to have an opinion I put any stock in, suggested I get INTO AA. And by that I learned they meant - not doing what I thought was "doing AA," which was not drinking and attending meetings. What they meant was not drinking and going to meetings.........but most importantly........engaging in the 12 steps. The practice of which guarantees -yes, guarantees- "a solution to my problem."

I didn't believe it, didn't think it would work, and sure as hell didn't WANT to do any of it. Didn't want to go to meetings, get a sponsor, work steps, do "homework," etc etc etc. Most of all, I didn't want to be "one of those mindless AA members" the rest of my life. On the other side of my life was what you talked about.....HATING myself, wishing I'd just die in my sleep or in a car accident, feeling like life was becoming futile.....like no matter what I did I'd still end up getting my butt kicked, I was just sick of it.

For a lot of us we hit a point - where the option of a spiritual awakening and trying AA, though it looks so stupid and boring, is something we're finally willing to give an honest try. Not necessarily out of virtue.....but typically out of the exhausting of every alternative we can come up with (I tried a lot of stuff before I finally gave recovery in AA a shot) and the complete unwillingness to accept another F'n day the way we've been living.

10years in for me now and it's the best thing I was ever massively reluctant to try. haha My life - my outlook on life especially - is completely different as a result. Best of all, even though I'm no angel and not everything I do is right / perfect / or even necessarily up to my standards.....I can stand myself now. Beyond that, I actually like myself. I can accept my shortcoming as things I want to improve but I know myself better than to think I am JUST my actions. I have a frickin purpose in life now.....not a fake one, not one I just conned myself into believing but a real purpose. Direction even......and it's a good direction - not like before.

That's the stuff AA is designed to produce and that's exactly what it DOES produce within the people who actually DO it, not just "go to see it / go to hear it." Ya know, I can go to the gym for 3 hours a day 7 days per week and never get stronger, never lose a pound, never increase my cardio..........if all I do it go to the gym. It seems watching ppl work out, talking about what I think about lifting weights, talking about how I'd run or how I'd ride that stationary cycle doesn't really do a damn thing for me other than maybe kinda get me in the mood to work out. It turns out I have to lift weights, I have to get on the treadmill and jog, I have to work that damn stairmaster.......I have to do a fair amount of things that don't particularly feel "good" at the time. I've got to do stuff that doesn't give me an immediate payoff.....and trust that if I keep it up the payoff will manifest in my life.

For me, recovery has been about the same. Most of it I didn't "want" to do, didn't really think it would work.........and if I'm honest, I didn't really "want" to quit drinking forever. But like I said earlier, I hated myself and what I'd become soooooo much that I was willing to try any new direction - and there sure as heck were a lot of ppl who said they had been the same as me but weren't like that anymore.

Give it a shot, I've never once seen it not work. Or....find an alternative that works and do that......but don't think you can go on the way you are for long - why would ya want to, ya know? It's time for change.....or you wouldn't have posted.

SoberN

There is a lot of lack of information about the effects of alcohol in our brains for the general public.

Let me tell you this: Don't trust on your brain under influence of alcohol, it's another brain, it's not the truth you!

Alcohol creates a fog on your perception like some strong hypnosis that makes you find the world scary, gloomy and worthless.

I also had suicidal thoughts, mainly during the hangover (I literally woke up several times after bing drink of 2 or 3 days and planned every step of how I would kill myself, from jumping from the window to cutting off my wrists). And now, sober, I can see that this was all caused by chemical imbalance in my brain because of the bing drinking. I don't hate myself anymore, extremely less anxious, I see beauty on the ordinary life and never more think about suicide.

Search on Google about the effects of alcohol and its connection with episodes of panic, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts and you will be surprise.

Now sober, I can see that I was beyond intoxicating my physical body, creating a haze of illusion and psychological destruction through prolonged use of alcohol.

Truste me bro, after 1 month clean, you will see the world with another eyes. The alcohol is treacherous.

Just give one change to sobriety, we are here to support you.

icandothis20

Wow, I am blown away at the support I have received here. People taking the time out of their days to write me long posts. Almost makes me tear up. I have read the Big Book, but never really dove deep into it and did the steps. I do know I am powerless over alcohol. I really like what a couple people said about not paying to much attention to your age, and that I should be THANKFUL now that I have recognized this, and that my God wants more for my life then what I am doing to myself now. It could be another 10-15 years, and I don't even want to imagine the things I am capable of doing in that time.

I do have a family friend who is a regular AA member, and hosts a lot of them. I am contemplating calling her and asking her to take me to my first meeting. I have always been a big health freak too surprisingly, when I'm not wasted. Last time I did a ton of yoga, and meditation and personal development, but I don't think it was enough, as I mentioned I didn't have any other sober people that I knew.

I do think I am going to give AA a try, whats the worst that can happen, I finally find my people?? It really bothers me how glamorized alcohol use is in advertising... sigh. Although I am going to change my perspective and think about how big of a life I have left to live. For me, the week days aren't too hard to stay away from booze and I only ever really drink from Fri-Sun, or Monday if its a long weekend, and those days kill me. Because once I start on the weekend, I just cannot stop. This weekend will be harder for me.
I SO appreciate every single one of you. Thank you.

Obladi

Fantastic!

Do come back and tell us all about it. As you see there are many people her who are ready, willing and eager to cheer you on and help you out.

O

Bird615

Yes! Welcome to SR, icandothis!

That's how I felt when I arrived in AA at 21. Before I got there, I also had no idea how I was going to live without alcohol anymore--basically thought my life was over. With recovery, I found out life could be far better than I could have imagined. It hasn't been all roses and happiness, but still far more satisfying than the way it had been.

I think having someone bring you is a great idea. I was also very shy, so it helped that my first AA meeting was in the treatment centre I was in and that I went with people I knew the first while. You can do this!