tomsteve

but its ok if people in town see ya stumble around drunk or walkin out of a store with a nights supply of alcohol?

i didnt seem to have a problem with people seein me fall off a barstool.
i started feeling ok with being seen going to a meeting - or in a meeting-as i worked the program and changed me.

hpdw

OBLadi your not being forward , I welcome your comments .
Tomsteve you are exactly right . Ive been caught sneaking drinks at strange times in places round the village unknown to me at the time I was told that I was seen and I still cringe with shame/embarrasment at that . When actively drinking we seem to think were invisible so yes your depiction of me drunk localy makes me think different about things .

Thank you

Wholesome

I had a lot of shame when I was drinking. I hated myself and I hated carrying the secret of the problem around with me. Being free of that shame is wonderful. I am still dealing with my feelings of regret and sorrow for all the wasted years and how being an alcoholic caused me to not be the mother I should have been and the person I was capable of being. But I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. I'm regaining my self respect and self esteem and working on repairing relationships, and it's going well, better all the time. I don't feel the need to out myself to people who don't know me well enough to already be privy to this information. It's one of many reasons why I don't go to AA, every time I went I ran into someone I knew! It was the worst! Haha. I didn't want to know that about them and I def didn't want them to know it about me.

hpdw

It has been interesting seeing the different view points in this thread .
Zenchaser thanks for your share .

We all have very different stories regarding our alcoholism . Its difficult jotting stuff down into a few lines or paragraphs .

Im sure a Month of writing wouldnt cover my story but the main thing is I am sober today and intend to stay sober a day at a time for the rest of my life .

mandypandy

I am lactose intolerant, when I eat cheese, I can trump for England and knock a bus load of dockers physically sick. I wouldn't dream of telling randoms that information though, same as I wouldn't just let it be general knowledge that I have a problem controlling my drinking..no ones bees wax

LunaBlue

I don't know. I go back and forth on this one. Though everyone in town knew I had a drinking problem, it was definitely made worse by me declaring it, sobering up, then repeatedly relapsing. It would have been much better for me to have said nothing and quietly sobered up. Once you admit you're an alcoholic in a small town, there is no going back. Meanwhile, all my "friends" who still drink all the time, as much as I did or more, don't have that label or stigma attached to them. They just "drink a lot" or "have a problem with alcohol." They are not self-professed alcoholics. Don't get me wrong...I can see that they are alcoholics. But for some reason, I feel there is more of an issue made if I am seen at a bar/restaurant for instance. People are looking to see if I am drinking alcohol with my pizza. I feel watched at the grocery store.

At least I'm trying to get sober. Most of the drunks in this town are not even trying. Oddly, this seems to make me an easier target, an easier scapegoat for gossip. Or maybe I'm just an insecure, paranoid alcoholic.

I do go to AA. I am also nervous about who I will run into there. Yes, I know they are there for the same reason. But some of them are well-respected members of the community who have 30+ years of sobriety. I simply don't measure up to that and really don't have the confidence to share my story honestly, especially when they know my family, work situation etc. It can be very challenging and stressful, and not helpful at times. I often prefer SR and one to one counseling over AA for these reasons.

hpdw

Mandypandy , hilarious image you describe but I see the serious side and understand your need for privicy .

Lunablue this could be my town you describe and I feel like you . I,m seeing a pattern in this thread that resonates with my tug of war tell or not tell , be seen or not seen walking in/out of AA meeting , dont feel shame but dont broadcast either seems to be how most feel .

Thanks

tomsteve

i remeber a converstion with a man about the wee bit of fear i had of someone i know knowing im going to AA.
he asked me,"ever fall off a barstool when ya were drunk?"
i replied,"which bar?"
he sat there silent and waited for me to get it.

hpdw

I actually did fall off a bar stool in a busy pub once and the way I staggered back landed on the table behind me . I didn,t even think of getting the beer I still had at the bar I made for the door as best I could , that was maybe 20 years ago but that memory is still imprinted on my brain . Even now as I type this I feel how embarrased I was. (although I don't dwell on it ) .Strange how certain memories are still there .

I get what your saying Tomsteve

hpdw

And on that note I rest my case and thank all who responded .
I learned alot from this thread .

Moving on sober and content at 5 weeks abstinence .