Hi, I'm new here. 132 days
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 12
Hi, I'm new here. 132 days
Firts of all, I need to say 2 things:
1 - English is not my mother language, then there will be several errors in my text.
2 - I'm glad there I found this pleace, you guys have no ideia how this sites helped me on this past months. I feel less lonely on my addiction and I can see myself on the vast majority os the relates.
My first drink was when I have 16, with my friends. It was love at first sight, all shyness, sadness, anxiety got away with only one sip. One can become two, then five, then ten to have the same sensation.
I know I drank too much, but that time everything was a joke, most of my friends drink too. Young people drink too much, do not they? Even at that time I had several episodes of blackout, embarrassed myself, lost things, but I could handle it because I was young.
I was cheated at the age of 20 by my long period gierlfriend and that was the most powerful trigger. I started to drink everyday, vodka was my drink of choice because get me "there" most fast.
I keep drank too much but never admitted my alcoholism (on my worst days, I manage do drink 1/2 liter of Vodka a day, for several days in a roll). Some times I tried to stop, but after few days I just thought it was just moderate, wat a joke, right? I used to test myself: "Maybe if I trade vodka for rum, i can drink less... If I drink only beer, I can manage the buzz... (you guys now all the alcoholic mind tricks, that never works).
Fast forward some years, and hundreds of bottles before, now I have 27 and I I have gone through all the stages of denial, until in April I decide that I have a problem, a disease, so I decide that enough is enough (I made all the ******** you are familiar, like driking everyday until my body can't handle anymore, spend two or three days only doing binge drink all day, driking in the moornings, trading food for buzz, waking up and searching for the bottle, drinking until I fall sleep, hiding my habits etc).
My last binge period whas trigeered by this last event: I had a girlfriend of five years, that become my fiancee but everything fall apart on the begin of the year (not because of the drinking). My first reaction as you may imagine was buy bottles of vodka and start to poison myself again.
I spent fifteen days drinking every day (that 1/2 liters os vodka that i mentioned before) until that happens: I woke up in the middle of the night and I really felt like I was going to die. That scares me to my bones. My heart was out of rhythm, I was hallucinating while I was turning all night, I sweated like never before, I knew I could not get out of bed to ask for help if I had to, in the middle of my hallucinations I thought those were my last hours I was going to die there in bed alone.
That day was the rock bottom for me. Next day I quit could turkey (I only found out after it was was dangerous here on the site, few weeks later) since that day. I never had physical withdrawal symptoms, so that never was a issue to me. What struggles me is the psychological symptoms, I realized that I never faced my problems since I was a teenager, I always suppressed my feelings with buzz. So now my biggest challenge is learning to deal with my feelings without my two best friends: My ex-fiancee and my bottles.
Today I do 132 days sober, by myself, without help. Once I saw a phrase, which I always remember. It was something like this: "The closer to the paradise you are, the easier it gets to fall in hell."
And that make a perfect sense to me with my struggles, because every new day of victory staying sober, more strongers are the tougths of my AV: "Did I really have a problem? Am I not exaggerating? I got so much time, maybe I can moderate, I deserve a rest, I'm so tired, and if I just let myself for today."
But NO! I CAN'T, I know! I'm not able to drink like normal people no matter what happens. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and my father is an alcoholic too. I need to learn from history and break the cycle while it's time.
It was a difficult day today. So I decided to come here to vent after these months just watching and reading. Today I stopped in the liquor aisle on the local supermarket and a tear trickled down my face. My AV told me to go there just to look, just to see what I'd feel. I felt tempted, I felt anger, I felt impotence, I felt proud of myself, I felt sad, so I cried. Before my AV spoke again I went to the candy hall and I bought some candy, a piece of cake, and 3 little cans of soda (I allowed myself today, since I do not take it because I think it's bad for my health, but still better than buzz).
Now I'm here, still sober, still decided to keep that way. I do not have anyone to talk to about it, I have almost no friends, no sponsor, no one. So the weekends are the worst and most dificults, because I feel alone and bored, and my AV come to say hello and ask me if I need a simple solution for my problems.
Thanks for this forum to exist. Sorry for the huge text. I tried to leave it as short as possible, but they say it's good to put out your fellings some times.
I love you guys.
1 - English is not my mother language, then there will be several errors in my text.
2 - I'm glad there I found this pleace, you guys have no ideia how this sites helped me on this past months. I feel less lonely on my addiction and I can see myself on the vast majority os the relates.
My first drink was when I have 16, with my friends. It was love at first sight, all shyness, sadness, anxiety got away with only one sip. One can become two, then five, then ten to have the same sensation.
I know I drank too much, but that time everything was a joke, most of my friends drink too. Young people drink too much, do not they? Even at that time I had several episodes of blackout, embarrassed myself, lost things, but I could handle it because I was young.
I was cheated at the age of 20 by my long period gierlfriend and that was the most powerful trigger. I started to drink everyday, vodka was my drink of choice because get me "there" most fast.
I keep drank too much but never admitted my alcoholism (on my worst days, I manage do drink 1/2 liter of Vodka a day, for several days in a roll). Some times I tried to stop, but after few days I just thought it was just moderate, wat a joke, right? I used to test myself: "Maybe if I trade vodka for rum, i can drink less... If I drink only beer, I can manage the buzz... (you guys now all the alcoholic mind tricks, that never works).
Fast forward some years, and hundreds of bottles before, now I have 27 and I I have gone through all the stages of denial, until in April I decide that I have a problem, a disease, so I decide that enough is enough (I made all the ******** you are familiar, like driking everyday until my body can't handle anymore, spend two or three days only doing binge drink all day, driking in the moornings, trading food for buzz, waking up and searching for the bottle, drinking until I fall sleep, hiding my habits etc).
My last binge period whas trigeered by this last event: I had a girlfriend of five years, that become my fiancee but everything fall apart on the begin of the year (not because of the drinking). My first reaction as you may imagine was buy bottles of vodka and start to poison myself again.
I spent fifteen days drinking every day (that 1/2 liters os vodka that i mentioned before) until that happens: I woke up in the middle of the night and I really felt like I was going to die. That scares me to my bones. My heart was out of rhythm, I was hallucinating while I was turning all night, I sweated like never before, I knew I could not get out of bed to ask for help if I had to, in the middle of my hallucinations I thought those were my last hours I was going to die there in bed alone.
That day was the rock bottom for me. Next day I quit could turkey (I only found out after it was was dangerous here on the site, few weeks later) since that day. I never had physical withdrawal symptoms, so that never was a issue to me. What struggles me is the psychological symptoms, I realized that I never faced my problems since I was a teenager, I always suppressed my feelings with buzz. So now my biggest challenge is learning to deal with my feelings without my two best friends: My ex-fiancee and my bottles.
Today I do 132 days sober, by myself, without help. Once I saw a phrase, which I always remember. It was something like this: "The closer to the paradise you are, the easier it gets to fall in hell."
And that make a perfect sense to me with my struggles, because every new day of victory staying sober, more strongers are the tougths of my AV: "Did I really have a problem? Am I not exaggerating? I got so much time, maybe I can moderate, I deserve a rest, I'm so tired, and if I just let myself for today."
But NO! I CAN'T, I know! I'm not able to drink like normal people no matter what happens. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and my father is an alcoholic too. I need to learn from history and break the cycle while it's time.
It was a difficult day today. So I decided to come here to vent after these months just watching and reading. Today I stopped in the liquor aisle on the local supermarket and a tear trickled down my face. My AV told me to go there just to look, just to see what I'd feel. I felt tempted, I felt anger, I felt impotence, I felt proud of myself, I felt sad, so I cried. Before my AV spoke again I went to the candy hall and I bought some candy, a piece of cake, and 3 little cans of soda (I allowed myself today, since I do not take it because I think it's bad for my health, but still better than buzz).
Now I'm here, still sober, still decided to keep that way. I do not have anyone to talk to about it, I have almost no friends, no sponsor, no one. So the weekends are the worst and most dificults, because I feel alone and bored, and my AV come to say hello and ask me if I need a simple solution for my problems.
Thanks for this forum to exist. Sorry for the huge text. I tried to leave it as short as possible, but they say it's good to put out your fellings some times.
I love you guys.
Your english is fine, you can get the point across. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome SoberN! We're so glad to have you with us.
I understood you with no problem.
I felt exactly the same when I had my first drink - it seemed like the answer to all my troubles. Little did I know I'd become completely dependent on it. It was a difficult struggle to get free - but here we are. It's great to meet you - congratulations on your 132 days.
I understood you with no problem.
I felt exactly the same when I had my first drink - it seemed like the answer to all my troubles. Little did I know I'd become completely dependent on it. It was a difficult struggle to get free - but here we are. It's great to meet you - congratulations on your 132 days.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Seattle
Posts: 107
Welcome. Whether you find people I RL or online, I think the talking is critical. Otherwise our AV makes more and more sense. From time to time I enjoy reading sober blogs or podcasts. And posting here as well...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 12
Thank you all for words of affection and encouragement.
I do not participate in any AA, so I dont have a sponsor or another alcoholics to talk about. In my country, the AA groups do not have a good reputation.
I only have 2 friends.
One from my work who does not believe I have a problem.
Another that is a remain "drink buddy", and only come to my house to play video-games or invites me to go to bars.
This subject for my family it's forbidden, because of my Dad. My mother hates alcohol with all her strength because of my fathers behavior, then it would be a huge disappointment to her, in case I talked about it.
You guys are the closest to understanding that I have encountered, even though I do not know you.
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Welcome. Why is it you have no one to talk to, no sponsor?
I only have 2 friends.
One from my work who does not believe I have a problem.
Another that is a remain "drink buddy", and only come to my house to play video-games or invites me to go to bars.
This subject for my family it's forbidden, because of my Dad. My mother hates alcohol with all her strength because of my fathers behavior, then it would be a huge disappointment to her, in case I talked about it.
You guys are the closest to understanding that I have encountered, even though I do not know you.
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