Delizadee

I didn't contact anyone from the program last night, but I did have a big vent session with my little one's dad and my best friend.

I woke up extremely resentful because I feel angry and ashamed and I just can't shake it. (at least I went to bed sober, even if I did wake up feeling hung over... which is just a usual thing for me)

I took out my big book and I'm reading pg 61-62-63.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Self-will run riot, yet again.

I'll read that a few times today. Put myself back in my place.

Thanks for the support. I really am having trouble reaching out to people in the program. I am quite convinced I can do this on my own with SR.

common sense is quite uncommon for me these days.

Berrybean

Yeah. An emotional hangover. Hardly a suprise given yesterday.

I reached out on here last night, but the telephone conversation was great because it was verbal so we could cover a lot of ground in the time I have available. I figure I need all the strings in my safety net oterwise I could easily slip through.

Did you do an investory on yesterday? If not it might help.
Hope you're feeling better.

BB

tomsteve

good on ya!! it might be wise to continue reading through pg 71
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.


and DO.

Delizadee

Thanks Berrybean, I'm sorry. I missed your post last night. I was posting mostly from my phone yesterday (and very self-absorbed in my moments alone)
I thought of contacting my sponsor.. and my other good support from the other program. I am having the mental block of NOT reaching out because I feel that I'm and imposition and on top of that, my abilities to verbalize whatever I'm working through has gotten worse- I can only seem to draw somewhat of a straight line through my thoughts when I can type it out and see what my thought process is.
Also... it comes back to that fear of being turned down or downright dropped by a sponsor. And the further away I get from contact the less likely I am to want to call them. I text... and then don't act on it.

I took out my 'burn book' this morning and got my anger out and the conversation-on-repeat out of my head. I don't know if it helped.. I am just feeling worse, and tearful, and remorseful. But at least I slept. I woke up soaked in sweat. The hangover feeling is something that has been ongoing for a year. I am more surprised when I wake up feeling ok than when I wake up parched and headachey.

There was a member at a meeting who annoyed me after a few months, it took me awhile to get to the principles over personality. But he repeated the same thing every single meeting. I enjoyed talking to him in asides, if he came up to give me some encouragement after I shared, or take out his big book and share some of his favourite parts relating to what I'd spoken about.
But something sticks out to me now that he said. Every time he spoke, ahaha.
He got sober X amount of years ago, but the first 5 years of his sobriety, he said he was more miserable than he was at his worst drinking, even attending meetings. He described being curled up in a ball on his floor, not wanting to live or die. Then watching his newly sober son start to actually work the program, and gain happiness and freedom, and so he himself picked himself, got a sponsor, worked the steps and is much happier now. I understand it better now than I did before. I was doing a lot better when I was more engaged in the program.

Anyways. I'm going in circles in my head. One more night to get through alone.

AnvilheadII

so make today all about YOU, babe. take it easy, get that burger, get a nap, go mercilessly whack something in the yard, get to a meeting, or just do "skank on the couch" (that is my traditional saturday schtick - not suitable for visitors, but perfectly allowed for down time).

it was a rough day, but you got thru it. really can't ask any more than that.

tomsteve

not going around in circles,imo. i think what has been figgered out is this:
" I really am having trouble reaching out to people in the program. I am quite convinced I can do this on my own with SR. "

is probably not the wisest choice. seems ya figgered out it would be wise to get some courage and reach out and not do this on your own.

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Delizadee

" I really am having trouble reaching out to people in the program. I am quite convinced I can do this on my own with SR. "
This is so true and not true! I am not convinced I can do it on my own- I know what that is, that's my sick thinking.

Skank on the couch! I love that! Maybe I will do that after 9 with some Netflix.
Since it's just the little guy and I we will probably get groceries and get some of my "other" work done today. (mystery shop)

yes tomsteve. you are right. Just like the dude at the meeting would say over and over again "rigorous honesty. rigorous honesty. rigorous honesty". I think I broke that a while ago. Doing what is right for me as an alcoholic is not generally easy. I'd rather do what's easy- hide out in my hole and avoid as much drama as possible.

I don't have my baby but I am babysitting until 9pm today. After that it's just me until tomorrow morning at 6:30 then a houseful again.