Hornman

Hi,

I am here with the hopes of once and for all getting sober. Day 1 ( working on a terrible hangover after a bad binge last night)
I feel shame and embarrasment after the way I behaved last night while heavily intoxicated.
It seems to be a form of self sabotage.
( binge drinking and anxiety)

The biggest striggle I am having tonight is being able to relax. Lots of anxiety.... also my mind believes that no drinking = no social events. I realize I have been using alcohol to self medicate and help me get through social engagements.
I started meditating daily ( 6 plus months)
and am going to begin a Chi Gong class to also help with anxiety.

I honestly thought I had a grip on the booze...
90 percent of the time I drink I'm able to monitor my booze consumption BUT 10 percent of the time I end up in bad place.
To really recover means one can socialize, etc.. booze free while feeling relaxed etc..
feeling a bit intimidated by a commitment to get sober but after last nights episode: Enough is enough.

Dee74

Welcome Hornman
Sounds like quitting will be a good step for you.

I worried too about all the changes I'd need to make in my life, but they all turned out well and not at all what I expected.

All I know is I vastly prefer life since I gave up drinking

D

Anna

Welcome, and yes it's a bit scary at the outset of recovery, but it's worth it.

Self-sabotage was part of my drinking days, too. In fact, drinking lowered my already low self-esteem. Alcoholism robs us of everything. I'm glad you are ready to do this.

You will be able to socialize with alcohol and good for you for recognizing that you will need to make some lifestyle changes.

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you Hornman. This is a friendly community where everyone understands.

I'm shy & self-conscious - and mistakenly thought drinking was helping with that. In the end, I found it weakened me and caused me to be less sociable. I was drinking alone and isolating when I found SR. It feels wonderful to be free of it.

tnman1967

You could also look at it this way. Less social engagements and formal parties is not always a negative in my mind. Not saying you should be antisocial but I have found that solitude and take time for myself make wonders sometimes. Just a thought.

SimplyFree

Welcome....getting sober is always a good move.

Charli23

Hi there and welcome to SR,
It was after one too many of these debilitating hangovers that I decided to stop. I didn't know what anxiety was until last year waking up shaking , vomiting and waiting to spontaneously die. It took another year for me to stop drinking. Enough was enough. After a day or two the hangover was forgotten and I'd start again. A little tip from me was to make a short video to yourself , say exactly how your feeling right now and when you want to pick up that drink watch it back.
Since quitting the anxiety had totally disappeared, alcohol makes it 100 times worse. A few hours of being buzzed and relaxed takes away at least a day of feeling the worst. Such a waste of time and your life! I went to my first social event last night alcohol free and what an eye opener. Watching people get messy made me cringe a little because I've done it many times. But... it wasn't bad! You can definitely be sociable without being a drunken mess. Wishing you all the best!

Berrybean

Welcome - glad you found us.

This place and AA have been integral to my recovery. It makes a massive difference.

BB

Gabe1980

Hi Hornman,
I'm only 7 days sober so can't be much help but reading all the recovery stories on this forum has been really inspiring for me. I understand where you are with the shame and guilt. We are not bad people but alcohol leads us to a dark place. I thought I was in control of it most of the time with only the occasional disaterous night but in reality it has controlled me for a long, long time. I wish you the best of luck and stay on this site. There is so much experience and empathy here it really helps.

Hornman

Thanks for all of your kind words and support!
Made it through the night ( few night-sweats and a liitle anxiety, but otherwise, OK)
I have been in this spot many times before: day 2 and already my mind is saying "ok, the other night was really bad, but compleley quitting drinking seems a bit much"
Reading others stories seems to help reinforce my desire and committnent to live a sober life.
To once and for all end the endless cycle of a few nights of a couple of drinks then a major blowout binge night.
I am blessed to have a wife ( and a great dog) who I love dearly. The thought of putting them through any more alcohol induced pain is unbearable. Thank you all again for your kind words and thank you for this great forum!

Hevyn

Good to see how positive you are, Hornman. The first few days are rough, but you seem determined.

Hornman

Made it through the night ( mild night sweats)
Feeling somewhat irritable today. Prob should have some breakfeast. I believe that blood sugar ( and withdrawal) is contributing to my current mindset.
Will medidate, eat and try to stay busy working on positive tasks. ( And drink lots of fresh water, seems I'm still in detox phase)

Grateful for all of the forums support.

Berrybean

Yep. Those HALT triggers are powerful.

H - Hungry
A - Angry
L - Lonely
T - Tired

Breakfast sounds like a plan. Or lunch. Or dinner. Whichever you can make the quickest.

BB

Sasha4

[QUOTE=Hornman;6587060]Hi,

I am here with the hopes of once and for all getting sober. Day 1 ( working on a terrible hangover after a bad binge last night)
I feel shame and embarrasment after the way I behaved last night while heavily intoxicated.

I realize I have been using alcohol to self medicate and help me get through social engagements.


To really recover means one can socialize, etc.. booze free while feeling relaxed etc..


I was the same as you with the shame.
I was the same as you with not being good at getting through social events with alcohol.

Now reflecting back, I never enjoyed the events in the first place as

1. The next day shame over shadowed any enjoyment from the night before.
2. I would actively go to great lengths to avoid the people I had socialised with the night before too.
3. Some of the events I had no recollection of at all as I had blacked out. I didn't remember coming home, dancing, talking to anyone. So no reminiscing of 'that was a fabulous party'.

I realised that there was no sense in fearing giving up alcohol because it would stop good nights out with my family and friends because I never had any good nights out when drinking.

It was not a logical thought pattern. Do you think it is?

I could count on 1 hand the good nights where I managed to control my drinking. Those nights, events, evenings I was clock watching until I could go home and drink myself silly.

I realised too that looking to gain confidence from a drug that caused slurred speech, falling down, talking rubbish, making me over amorous and friendliness was also not logical.

When I look back to all the anxious times in my life, alcohol was usually involved somewhere in that misery.

I have not drunk for over 6 years now.
I have had all inclusive holidays, parties, work events, weddings and birthdays including the rounds of me and my friends being 40.

I would advise you to never look too far ahead.
Start with just for today I will not drink.
If someone says 'will you not be drinking at my birthday/child's christening/weekend away/holiday/new years eve party answer with I don't know, I will cross that bridge when I come to it'.

I gained a lot of insight when I did not drink and maybe you might too.
When I went to my first wedding as a guest, I saw that people did not get as drunk as I did.
No-one fell over, no-one was sloppy drunk.

I have also been a witness to the next morning anxieties when I have not drunk and I would never ever want to go back and feel like that again.

I hope you visit here more often and I wish you the best xx

LesPaul1993

I found that my anxiety was higher during the 5 days of acute withdrawal but I've found that since then, my baseline anxiety is vastly lower than my former hangover anxiety. I've also found that my baseline anxiety sober is substantially lower than my baseline anxiety when I regularly drank. My anxiety isn't all gone, all of the time, though I'd like it to be, but I know that alcohol will only magnify what's already there.

I also realize in retrospect that when I thought "a little" alcohol made me "smooth" in social situations, it was obvious to all that I was drunk. Social situations are like unheated swimming pools: just dive in and you'll quickly get over the stress.

Hevyn

Hi Hornman. Sounds like a typical Day 3 - I was very irritable, anxious, & emotional. Everything settled down though. You're doing great.

Hornman

Grateful for another day. Spent yesterday cleaning my home, and focusing activities that will help create a better quality of life.
Waking up this morning, I notice a big improvement in terms of hangover symtoms.
Part of my mind is trying to rationalize my train wreck last Friday night as " it wasn't that bad.."
Well, to be clear, it was that bad. I think one of the most difficult things about the seduction of booze is it is very cunning, the ultimate con-artist. At some point, I would like to understand how this disease actually works, but for now, I am grateful for another day. Thank you for all of your support!

Hornman

Starting to really feel good. Most if not all of the hangover symptoms have passed.
Last Friday night I drank WAY to much. I was sloppy and verbally abusive. I woke up Saturday with a terrible hangover and even worse a deep sense of shame. What did I say? Why is the woman I love dearly not here? Why am I ashamed to even step foot outside of my house? Why would I try to destroy an otherwise positive and good life.

I am grateful to be here now. I am grateful for another chance to build a good life. Sobriety is a wonderful thing.

doggonecarl

Glad you are feeling better. Just be careful. Don't let feeling good interfere with your decision to quit drinking, don't replace the fading memory of Friday's shame and embarrassment with thoughts of drinking.

tealily

Hornman,

Hi and welcome. So glad to have you join the forum.

Yes, it's all too easy, and very predictable, to start feeling -- once some time passes from the last hangover -- that it wasn't THAT bad.. that it's "too extreme" to quit alcohol entirely. Well, that's a lie the addiction tells us. It was indeed THAT bad, and it absolutely will get worse. Who wants to live in an endless cycle of misery, shame, heartache, recover, then repeat, over and over: the alcoholic drinking treadmill. It isn't a blessing in your life, a "treat" or a "reward" .. it is the opposite: It's robbing you of energy, time, health, money, and the will, strength, imagination and heart to do things for yourself and others that really matter.

Read around here and you'll recognize many similar stories. We get it.

Great job on 5 days!