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I really hate my husband right now & don't know what to do...

Old 09-01-2017, 09:44 AM
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I really hate my husband right now & don't know what to do...

I am on day 4. The first week of sobriety is always the hardest, and I am excited to be more than halfway through. I was drinking a bottle to two bottles of wine every night. I am still afraid of seizures (I did get medication from my Dr to help detox at home). I fell while drunk a couple of months ago, and broke my hand. I have stomachaches all of the time. It was killing me. We are going away for the weekend with our kids, and he wants to stop at a brewery. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea, and he said "but it's tradition, one or two glasses of wine won't hurt you". I told him that it's a slippery slope, and it would lead to more drinking. He then said "Well, Im not the one with the problem, I don't know why the whole family should suffer". The brewery does have good food, and the kids love the homemade root beer. He was the first one to shame me and get angry when I used to drink too much and act stupid, yet he is encouraging me to drink. He knows, after years of this, that I can't control it. He is also not a 'normal' drinker. He binges 1-2 times a month, when out with friends. He has drove drunk on multiple occasions. He thinks that is normal apparently, because he isn't getting drunk daily. I just don't have it in me to fight with him right now. If I point out his hypocrisy, it will cause a huge row. I'm just so sad and emotional. Sorry for the rant.
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:55 AM
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"He has drove drunk on multiple occasions." I hope he gets caught for DUI before he kills himself or someone else. Just saying.

Don't rise to the bait. You are maybe a bit emotional as you are only 4 days in. It will get better - promise. Traditions can be changed too. Sorry that he's not really being supportive to you. Folk on here will be though.
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:55 AM
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Can't you drink root beer with the kids and have a good time with them? They really don't need or deserve all the drama you and your husband seem to play out in front of them.
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Old 09-01-2017, 09:56 AM
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It's tough in early sobriety. Everything was reason for me to cry, I remember that very clearly. That part will get better. You will be able to control your emotions with continuous sober time. In the meantime, lots of stuff is uncomfortable. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin more than once.

Make it through the day without drinking, that's all that matters. It doesn't have to be graceful.

The thing with your husband will come to a head at some point but now's not the time. Wait till you're stronger.

At the brewery - you can either not go, not go in (sit in the car and read etc.) or go in, have iced tea and a big burger and enjoy everyones' company (and a delicious burger.) Your husband has his own agenda and it doesn't match yours yet. You can still stay sober, regardless.
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:06 AM
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Hi , firstly well done that you are on day 4 !!! I am also off drink and on day 27..
fortunately my partner does not drink and that makes things a lot easier,.
I can understand that you are mad at your husband , this is a tough time for you and you need his support.. and we always express are anger to those closest to us ..I would say it is important to focus on the reason you are giving up alcohol at the minute , you are trying to get healthy and also happy again , alcohol dulls our emotions and in the amounts we drink causes damage to our mind and body .. you firstly need to focus on yourself and your recovery ..it would be hard to discuss harmful drinking with him until you are sober for a while . What you could do is set yourself a goal ..stop at the brewery but have an non alcohol beer or soft drink and focus on enjoying your time with the children.. believe me you can do it because you are strong and have determination .. obliviously it goes without saying drinking and driving is in acceptable but you need to get yourself strong and well and that is the most important thing at the minute.. x
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
Can't you drink root beer with the kids and have a good time with them? They really don't need or deserve all the drama you and your husband seem to play out in front of them.
Yes, I will go and have an iced tea. It will also be good for the kids to see me out at a restaurant not ordering wine (I can't remember the last time this happened). I'm just frustrated right now.
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Old 09-01-2017, 10:17 AM
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I wouldn't go to a brewery in my first week of recovery, under any circumstance. It's a risk that is not worth taking. Your kids are better off missing out on some root beer if the trade off is a sober mom. I completely get that you don't want to have a fight with your husband, but his lack of support is concerning. He doesn't need to be your biggest cheerleader, but he should at least be willing to alter activities a tiny bit so as not to actively undermine your recovery.
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Old 09-01-2017, 11:29 AM
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Day 4 is great and I hope you continue on this road. My suggestion is to take the focus off your husband and his drinking, and that includes his suggestion for you to have a couple of drinks. You know that won't work and that's all that matters. I know that I needed to focus completely on myself during the early days. He will stop drinking when he's ready or he won't.

As far as your vacation - I wouldn't have gotten through stopping at a brewery anytime during the first months of recovery. Can you consider doing something else while he is at the brewery - maybe some sight-seeing or shopping?
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Old 09-01-2017, 11:54 AM
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I say, if he insists on going to the brewery, STAY HOME! Don't go on the trip at all!

He's not likely to pick you up and drag you out the door!

If he pressures you, point out that you'll be saving him money.

Right now your sobriety and sanity are a higher priority than spoiling a meal for your family.

If he wants to take the kids to breweries to eat, he can jolly well go without you.

You don't have to be argumentative: just tell him sweetly that you're sorry, but you wouldn't be capable of limiting your intake, so it'd be best if you just sat things out until you were stronger.

Maybe next trip!
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Old 09-01-2017, 12:18 PM
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If you feel strong enough to go to the brewery with the intention of doing it for your family, then go for it and be strong. If you don't feel capable, then obviously don't go, but it seems unfortunately that this may cause some friction between your husband and you. Truly be honest with yourself to assess if you can do this. All the best!
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Old 09-01-2017, 01:15 PM
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If it was really just a matter of the root beer for the kids, your husband could just run in there and buy a six-pack.

Unless he's really hell-bent on eating there.
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Old 09-01-2017, 01:30 PM
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Garfield,

Congrats on your 4 days! I'm so sorry you are not getting the support from your husband that you need right now.

In the short term, for this weekend.. I like your idea of drinking iced tea and setting a good example for your kids, of one of their parents not drinking. You are in charge of your sobriety and what you do or do not put in your mouth, no matter where you are, a brewery or another restaurant that serves alcohol.

I agree it's not the best to go to a place that focuses so heavily on drinking at this early point, but I also understand, as a mom myself, that you can't "just stay home" because of that. Is this a stop on your way to where you are going for the weekend? If your husband insists on going, just order your non alcoholic drink, eat your meal and be on your way.

Your kids will learn something by watching you. By the way, I hope YOU are the one who will be driving after this outing, even if he has just one beer. I really am disturbed to hear about his past recklessness.

Maybe after the weekend you can have a heart to heart with him, about why you are choosing to become sober and ask him, outright, for his support and what he could do to help you get and stay healthier. And put your foot down about his drinking and being anywhere near a vehicle.

Hang in there

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Old 09-01-2017, 02:04 PM
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Congratulations on 4 days! That 1st week is really tough, but you're almost there


Originally Posted by Garfield71 View Post
The brewery does have good food, and the kids love the homemade root beer.
I feel like this sentence is an attempt to justify what your husband said. I am quite sure your kids would prefer a sober, happy mom over good root beer, so don't feel guilty for changing up the routine a bit.

Your sobriety is your responsibility. Support from our closest loved ones definitely help, but if it isn't provided that doesn't mean we give up. I hope your husband comes to terms with your decision and stops shaming you as that is something you don't need or deserve.
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Old 09-01-2017, 04:57 PM
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Welcome back Garfield

It would be great if everyone in our life understood our battle, but many will not. That why places like SR are so important

I doubt your kids would be thrilled about visiting a brewery mnp matter nhow good the food or root beer is.

Why not go do something fun with them - let your husband go to the brewery then you can pick him up afterwards.?

D
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Old 09-02-2017, 08:31 AM
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I think we can all understand your frustration.

Congrats on your sober time.

The only thing that you can do is focus on you and the kids. Your husbands statements are not supportive in my opinion, but what I have discovered is that the support from others is not necessarily the glue that makes sobriety stick.

Your actions and choices are the glue. You could approach this as an opportunity to enjoy the root beer and the food and really take in the environment without getting tanked.

I dont think its helpful to go to a brewery in early recovery. It may not even be helpful in long term recovery.

Your husband may be feeling threatened. The threat is not your problem and will never be.

Keep moving forward!
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Old 09-02-2017, 01:36 PM
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I can definitely see two sides to this. One is to go and not drink.

However, going to an establishment focused on drinking in your first week, particularly with a spouse that says "A glass or two of wine won't hurt you" is flirting with disaster. By refusing to go in at all, you're sending a fairly powerful message that you're serious about this, are in charge of your sobriety, and won't give in to his enabling.
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Old 09-02-2017, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Garfield71 View Post
He then said "Well, Im not the one with the problem, I don't know why the whole family should suffer".
You are right about the slippery slope. It is a slippery slope to have expectations on others. It tends to make your sobriety conditional on someone else which can be a recipe for disaster.

In my early sobriety, like the first few days, my family offered to stop drinking in support and remove all alcohol from the house. My reply was

"Well, they are not the one with the problem. I don't know why the whole family should suffer" Almost the same words, except I was putting no expectations on anyone else about my recovery. As far as I was concerned, they could carry on as usual because I knew that whatever they did need have no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I got sober. It was my problem, not theirs.
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Old 09-02-2017, 09:12 PM
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Hi Garfield,

I'm glad you are back, and congrats on 4 days, that is an excellent start! I have been sober for 20 months now, and my husband still drinks beer daily. I know that four days in I would not have been able to handle being around wine, it would have been too easy for me to slip back into drinking, or to justify "just one," as I had so many times in the past.

I am with Dee on taking the kids somewhere else, and picking him up after. I l ow my own kids would be more than happy to do something, rather than sit in a brewery, even if they had incredible root beer. Is there something nearby that you and the kids can do while he is there?
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Old 09-02-2017, 09:29 PM
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You might want to check out Al-non also. I would make sure I was spiritually fit before attempting to go to one of my old drinking places. Good luck and god bless
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