ultrasoberdude

I lost a family, a career, friends everything. I was in a codependent relashonship and never really did anything for myself. I didn't cook, clean, wash dishes, nothing.

Now I am starting out again on my own, I am learning to cook, I am learning to clean, I have 2 alarm clocks so I make it to work on time. However, I still struggle.

What did you do when you got sober to learn to umm sort of live life?

Berrybean

I didn't lose it all, but still needed to learn how to Live Sober - I think of that growing up we do in sobriety as Recovery. They (many people) maintain that we stop growing up when we start drinking and use that to answer problems rather than look for better solution. So, for me that would have been 14 - 16 I suppose. I thought I was a quirky personality. Now I think I was probably just a bit of a brat.

For me personally AA was a massive part of my sobriety - where I had faulty thinking those people lovingly steered it back to the right track. I sayed sober, listened and learned and eventually got myself a sponsor and did the step work with them - that work carries on day by day, applying my program to my daily life, and when I'm not sure if I'm spinning myelf some excuses about something, or I'm struggling to see what is the best thing to do over something, or to accapt something I don't like - then I get support. From my sponsor, or AA friends, or folk here, or someone at church.

I've learned that there's no shame in asking for suggestions or advice if I'm really ready to listen (gets tiresome when folk ask then ignore - and if I start doing that a few times in a row then I tend to recognise that as a sign that my self-will is starting to get on the childish side again, and perhaps I need to keep myself in check).

It sounds like you have a lot of learning to do. It WILL be a struggle at times. Struggling is not a sign of failure. And neither is things going wrong and you learning from those things. Sometimes, when we live life on life's terms it IS a struggle. Accepting that is, I believe, very important for recovery. Life will not ever be perfect. WE will never be perfect, but we can learn and grow and make progress.

I'd suggest that you stay sober, make sure you're building that support around you so you have lots of mentors and trusted / critical friends - the type who will tell you what you need to hear, rather than what they think you want to hear. And keep it simple.

If you're learning to cook - keep it simple (a student cookbook is often best because they'll have simple, quick and cheap recipes in them - I had one once called 'How to boil an egg' which went from literally just that, through to preparing a roast dinner for a group of people).

Cleaning can be kept simple as well. Little but often, especially in key areas like the bathroom and kitchen to stop you getting sick. The rest is great, but less important.

You can do this. Progress not perfection.

BB

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, ultrasoberdude! I can empathize with you; it seems that drinking kept me in a permanent state of quasi-adolescence. I functioned well enough outwardly, made it work, held down a job and even did well at it. But my personal life was always a mess. Never did laundry or dishes til everything was dirty, never had healthy relationships and I had to plan every event around having time to get wasted each night.

I suppose you adapt like a 17 year old would, leaving home for the first time! Trial and error, and with baby steps. Just make a single goal for the day. Maybe today you'll do the dishes. Tomorrow you'll gather up all the laundry (not even wash it, just get it ready). Make a list of things you need done and chip away at it.

You probably need to learn how to create a space for silence in your life as well. By that I mean that drinking (for me at least) was both the journey and destination. If I was happy I drank to celebrate, if I was blue I drank to drown my sorrows. If I was bored I drank to make something happen. And I suppose I allowed my life to become to small that I became emotionally closed off- drinking was the only way I could access the part of me that still felt, or so I thought.

Just let life surprise you for awhile. Take pleasure in the little things you barely noticed on the way to the liquor store and the small pleasures you missed out on while sleeping off a hangover.

hpdw

Hi , you are a good person capable of many good things as long as you dont drink .
I didn.t lose it all but I did lose my self respect often . It was a miricle I didnt lose my driving licence and my job .
The first few weeks of recovery are difficult but it will help if you de-clutter the house ( a cluttered house is a cluttered mind I read). You will see on here advice to make a plan and this you should do .

Not mentioning any names I know someone very close to me who did lose everything through drink ,everything except his life .
I feel for you and want you to know we are all behind you here .
Keep us updated , you really can do this .

I wish you all the best

ultrasoberdude

This, this right here is genius and perfect, thank you this evening, I need to tonight, " struggling is not a sign of failure" is golden and a quote I will save to my quotations I keep.

bluedog97

I think you'll find people at different levels of bottom. I was thinking about social media and how easy it is to compare ourselves with other people. Everyone's lives look so great. But step into an AA meeting, and you'll see a different picture. People whose addictions have taken them down a dark and desolate path and are trying to crawl their way back out. Thankful we have each other to help pull ourselves back up.

August252015

Hi bluedog- so glad you are here.

In addition to what others said- berrybean, for example, as I am a dedicated AA-er - I'll add some specifics as to what I did. I was extremely sick (given a year, 18 mo to live if I didn't stop) so somewhat like you I was learning to live - again- .....and it took time.

I started AA and did about 82 in 90 mtgs. Close to the 90 in 90 AA suggests. I had railed against AA for years, and it was indeed my last resort (my parents simply would not pay for the expensive rehab my drs wanted me to go to). I sat and listened for weeks; I gradually opened up, became healthier, less resentful, less angry....so much began to change.

Every day- I began a routine. I started VERY small with lists of three or four things- literally, things like 1 walk the dog twice 2 take a shower 3 make up the bed. It went from there.

I saw my drs and we got me on a med regimen for anxiety, sleep, cravings and I also took Antabuse the first 90 days. I spent a good bit of time sleeping and starting to eat again (I didn't cook for a long time, though).

When I was stronger, at around 100 days, I sat down and FINALLY looked at all my bills and debts. I called every debtor and worked out a payment plan- I explained my recovery, how I'd gone off track with everything especially money- and started very small. Like $10 a month on some med bills.

At about 5-6 weeks I got a simple job working at Chick-fil-A; it started me back on a path to supporting myself. At 5-6 mo I asked for my job back at the restaurant where I had worked before I quit, which turned out to be one of the best things I have done in sobriety (longer story there). By 7 mo I was able to support myself 99%.

All this while, I had established a morning recovery routine. Mine is still the same, with a couple things added along the way from the beginning. It is: reading pp 84-88 and 417-418 in the Big Book; doing a daily reading from Friar Richard Rohr of the CAC; checking SR; doing a daily devotional; a shared Bible app I do with my fiance who is also in recovery; HALT.

I gradually added social commitments and most were one on one. I started doing volunteer work and running by summer/fall.

My sweet spot for meetings now is 4-5 a week. I also started leading a restaurant industry recovery group in April. I'm 18 1/2 mo sober now. I am close with my sponsor, have made program friends, am engaged, and can't believe how my life has gone since I got sober.

This is a long answer - it's how my path has gone. It has not been without it's stumbles in emotional sobriety, it's times of intense irritation or disturbance, its big physical recover, and it has taken time and a lot of effort to grow, repair family relationships and such- and I wouldn't change anything about my journey. Grateful beyond words.

You can make this your last start. Hope to see you around here.

Mountainmanbob

Crawled back to AA meetings.
Made a decision not to drink.
Got a moral AA Sponsor.
Took it one day at a time.
M-Bob

Chilledice

I've put the booze down, got a mental health team involved, and keeping friends and family around me.

I promise myself that I will stay alive TODAY, I will wash myself myself and stay sober TODAY.....Tomorrow doesn't even exist!

August252015

^^^ Whoops! Meant to address my post to Ultrasober! Sorry- had just read blue's post. All comments remain intact

Gottalife

I guess in a way, I was lucky in that I had no real preconceived idea about AA, other than I didn't want to go there.

When I hit that spot of total defeat, I acquired a certain willingness. I didn't really believe AA would work for me, but there was nothing else left to try. I had a head full of scrambled eggs, malnutrition, and an IQ around my shoe size. I must be one of the stupidest people ever to come to AA.

I kinda like what I saw in others, and I listened to what they had to say. Didn't get the big book, thought it was too American, but I was too stupid to argue with the suggestions, so I gullibly did more or less what was suggested.

Strange thing was that it was a sort of progressive thing. I started at the beginning, step one, and that led me on to the next step and so on. Then, before I knew it, my sponsor told me I had three months. No one was more surprised than me. I had gone all that time without seriously wanting a drink. Previously I couldnt get through more than a couple of days.

And something else had changed. The world seemed to be a better place. This sobriety business was looking very attractive, where before it looked frightening.

In summary I suppose I could say that I took the willingness that was acquired in such desperate circumstances, and invested it in a very effective program of recovery. The return on investment has been a lifetime of sobriety.

SoberTyger

I am in quite a similar situation as yours, i never managed life when drinking - from age 16 to now, when i am 34.
I have been at my parents house since sunday - friday was the last day i drank.
I still feel very insecure, and I don't know what to do to pick up the pieces.
So far the only 2 plans in my mind are 1 - not drink. 2 - go to AA tonight.

I know I ought to head back to my own place, get back into work, try to resume life and get things together
But I am terrified to do so. I do not feel safe in my own place, and right now I do not feel strong enough to be there alone, without slipping back into drinking. At the moment all I associate my own place with is loneliness, depression, misery and drunkeness - the place is a dump, the guy next door a drunk in so bad shape the whole house smells of human decay - the shared kitchen so messy I don't want to go there and cook - and i have no friends or family in the area.
I fear if I don't go there soon to sort out my work situation and stuff I might be worse off, yet I currently can't trust myself to go there to be on my own without slipping back into drinking.
I think for now I just need to stick to my plan of baby steps. Not drink. Go to AA. Build confidence and trust in my soberity and then take on the other challenges when I have the mental strenght to do so.