Stuck
 

Every morning I wake up..... When I say morning, I mean 3 AM because I've drank the night before an experience my usual bout of alcohol insomina....and when I wake up I google things for hours about how to stop myself from drinking.
The thing about it is... I don't want to give it up completely. My wife drinks, my friends do. My family does on holidays.
Who doesn't want a drink to celebrate at thanksgiving?
Anyways, I wake up, I hate myself... i go to work, I come home and I drink until bed time.
I don't have friends that aren't friends if my wife. Had a hard childhood and was anti social.
I don't even know who I am as a person. As soon as I got out of my late teens and started acting more like an adult.... I started this bad habit. Probably because I realized this world is ******.
My excuse has always been that this world is a scary place, so why not have a drink to get by.
But my body is tired and I only have one life to live... how to I end this cycle? I have literally argued out loud to myself with a bottle of vodka sitting in front if me.... "don't do it again"...."why not? It's the only thing that will calm you down"

I'm such a bundle of tension all the time. I wish I could do better for myself and my family...
I never got to discover myself as an adult because I've been drowning myself with poison.

I need help.

"I don't want to give it up completely"

You will not find any support on this forum for that. If you want to give up completely and forever you will find all the help and encouragement in the world.


"Who doesn't want a drink to celebrate at thanksgiving? ................ with poison. "

Me!

You are right. I shouldn't be on this site if I'm not ready to give it up.

Thanks

You sound very sad. Why are you therefore not ready to give up?

You say you don't want to give it up completely......but your story is strongly peppered with words like "I hate myself", "I don't even know who I am as a person", "this world is ****", "I wish I could do better for my family"............
Sounds like alcohol is ruining your life and has ruined you as a person. You hate yourself, have no self esteem, feel like the world is against you...all because of alcohol. You'd be amazed how many of these thoughts would change with some sober time under your belt. How about challenging yourself to 6 months strictly sober? It's a start.
Best of luck.

Try putting these words in order of importance to you.

Health, Alcohol, Family, Happiness

I am sad and the help I need is not within reach right now.

I wish alcohol was not as socially used and accepted as it is. That's what makes this crazy.
There are so many people trying to get help for an addiction that is advertised on tv as being acceptable.
I'm not ready to quit because I'm sick right now. I start every morning off with the hope of recovery and go to bed every night with guilt.
But that is my own fault for not trying hard enough.

"I wish alcohol was not as socially used and accepted as it is".

Got to admire those marketing people. "Drink poison and you too will be cool."


Maybe you are sick because you are drinking.

Help is in reach if you want it.

There are hundreds or thousands on this site who have been where you are. Yet they are all here and in recovery. You are no different and can join them if you really want to.

I think people don't seek sites like this out on a whim.

You'll find many folks here who want to give up but are scared unsure or just plain overwhelmed with the idea of quitting.

I wasn't sure what I wanted when I first came here - but I was beaten down by my drinking and what I'd become..

I was gratified to see that quitting was possible, at least for others...later on I dared to believe it might be possible for me too... :)

I think you fit in SoberOnSaturn - and I hope you stick around :)

Welcome :)

D

That was what I needed to read this morning. Thank you so much. I think I'll stay on here for a while.

Welcome to sr sos. You are very welcome here. I think many of us come on here at first hoping for solutions but perhaps not knowing exactly what we want or need.

Reading lots and contributing helps and hopefully you'll find yourself at a place where you'll see quitting has so many benefits.

Welcome, Sober.

I know it's tempting to think you're not trying hard enough to quit. I used to believe if I controlled the way I drank, I'd be able, eventually, to quit. It never worked! I had to find another way, outside of my own way.

The truth is we suffer from an illness - the disease of alcoholism. It's not within our own power to quit. If it were within our individual power, wouldn't most of us be sober?

You'll need help from outside sources.

Hey sos try one day at a time and a day sober is better than a drunk one stick around and read you might be surprised at what you find here

I was like you for a long time. Until I was ready to give it up entirely I suffered tremendously. Hopefully you will see the light soon. Best of luck to you.

For alcoholics like me life gets better and better the further away I get from my last horrendous soul destroying drunk. This is what alcohol does FACT it takes everything from you EVERYTHING. It's a lie it will drag u to hell then some more. Recovery is possible and life gets so much better in every way. God bless

Have you checked out the "Stories of Recovery" forum? There are many stories on there from people who have achieved long-term sobriety, and many of them felt just as hopeless starting out (or even worse). Reading through those stories really gave me hope that I could do it, because they have been in the same place as me. Here's one example that I found really moving, there are many, many others:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html

Stick around, you are welcome here, this forum is for the strugglers as well as the people who have gotten it together.

I also encourage you to stay and look around. I am hopeful that you will see you can have a wonderful, sober life.

And, yes, life is brutal at times. But it's also beautiful, and if you numb the brutal parts, you are also numbing the beautiful parts of life.

We are all here to help. Also, have you looked for any support groups like AA in your area?
I was very sceptic to AA before, and many times turned down suggestion to go there, because I thought it wasnt for me.
When I finally went there, all on my own without being pushed or adviced by anybody to go there - I found it to be amazing. I was welcomed and understood and supported.

Hi Saturn. I know how you feel. I didn't want to give up drinking either, so I kept doing it until it ruined my life. And if a person keeps going it will. Funny thing is, when I quit drinking and embraced recovery my entire life started to get better little by little. I was no longer shooting myself in the foot all the time. I started to become a better person for myself and for those around me. But a person has to give it a chance and do the work. There simply isn't anything in life anymore that makes me want to drink. I'm now clear headed, responsible, and balanced. And I like that. A lot. I can look in the mirror every morning and be proud of the man I'm becoming. Stick around here and see what happens. You can do it. And you're not alone. =)