That evil AV of mine
 

As mentioned before i recently relapsed, in my vacation.
I went through 3 weeks in a constant battle with my AV, as i was travelling to some music festivals in southern europe with my GF.
When i went to buy an ice tea or a cola my AV would say "Why dont you get a beer or a shot too and gulp in down without anyone noticing, you will feel better surely" I quieted it down by reasoning that i would never stop at 1 and if I did get away with it once, i would keep doing it until i was drunk and ruined everything.
My AV would then suggest i told people i could have just 2-3 beers and surely they would help me moderate. I quited it down by saying i wouldn't manage, and if anybody would try stop me drinking after i started i would get abusive and ruin the event for everyone, so i managed to stay sober.
I then returned home, and had tickets for one more festival, i had planned to attend with old friends who didnt know i quit.
Now my AV said "Yes, I know if you drink now you will most likely end up on a bender for weeks, risking losing my job, waste all my money, risk losing my GF, embarresing myself, ruining my health and possibly drink myself do death - but isnt that better than either admitting you are sober or just cancelling the ticket" and for some odd reason i fell for this brilliant idea.
It's tough to know i have a part in my brain that actually wants to kill me. I have been so low before i had suicidal thoughts, but in those moments my basic survival instinct kicked in, and i pushed through the bad times. But my AV seems to be so evil and powerful it wants to overrule my survival instinct, take everything from me and make me drink myself to death.
This is a really powerful beast we alcoholics have to deal with inside ourselves...

Addiction isn't overruling survival instinct. When addiction becomes a basic drive, like hunger, thirst, then getting drunk or high is part of the survival instinct. Your mid brain has been altered by alcohol.

Follow your signature. Drink and die. Stay sober and live. The choice is yours.

From the language you're using, it seems like you're almost giving this AV thing a mythical sort of power. Don't forget that it's you who are ultimately in control of whether you drink or not, only you.

The AV has no arms and no wallet. It's a paper tiger.

You can't reason with that voice and the more you try the more powerful that voice will feel. All you need to do is recognize it for what it is, Oh that's my AV talking up a storm again, and dismiss IT. It's about how you relate to those urges, they can seem like something you can't ignore and they can seem like a command or very insistent but in reality, they are just thoughts. When my AV starts up with IT's one track message I firmly tell IT NO. I don't allow those thoughts to turn around in my mind.... those circular repetitive internal debates. The answer my AV gets is always NO. Eventually, IT quiets down again.

Some great advice here ST :)

D

I want you to picture grabbing your AV and ripping it out of your head, then throw it in the floor and skull stomp the living daylights outta it!

AV only has the power we GIVE it!