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Devastated

Old 08-29-2017, 10:59 PM
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Devastated

I asked my man friend for some space while in early sobriety. We were fighting like cats and dogs and he kept calling me lazy and stupid. He came over when I was mopping the lounge and thought it was funny to clean off his shoes on my floor. I nearly donged him on the head with the mop. After that I concluded that I am restless irritable and discontented.
I asked him to give me some space for a while. Today he came over to get his drill and stuff and he no longer wants to be friends. He says he can't handle me. Other than that he said nothing.
I don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of friends. Now all I feel like doing is giving up sobriety. How could something like this happen so quick? I knew I was stressed and anxious but to lose a friend already. Maybe I am just a different person sober. He was often abusive and set me off to drink. I am trying to see this as a blessing that I can focus on my sobriety now. I'm just hurt and upset. I really don't want to drink. How do I get through this sober? The pub is calling me to unforced the status quo. I drink and submit to his abuse.
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Old 08-29-2017, 11:21 PM
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I really don't think you need a friend who calls you "lazy and stupid". That's abuse in my book. You deserve better than that.

I had to let go of a few people who triggered me. I'm sorry you're upset, sweetichick. I think you made the right decision.

Please don't blame yourself for his bad behavior. Drinking is not the answer. Stay sober and find yourself a new friend who treats you with respect.
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Old 08-29-2017, 11:31 PM
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You need your sobriety first and foremost. Without it you can't have anything else. Anything or anyone that starts the obsession to drink isn't worth having around. Get to a meeting(s) and go often you'll make a bunch of new sober friends. Good luck sweetichick.
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Old 08-30-2017, 12:00 AM
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Hi sweet..yes looking on this as a blessing to finally get sober is absolutely the right way to look at this.I dont mean to seem harsh hun,but thats not a friend! For 1 a friend wouldnt hurt u with nasty words..2 a friend wouldnt dream of deliberately dirtying your floor while watching you clean it (id have done more than dong him on the head with that mop) and 3 any good decent friend would have respected you when you said you wanted some time alone to deal with things,and not gone off in a mood then ended his friendship with you! Dont let him do this to you anymore hun you deserve so much more x
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Old 08-30-2017, 12:05 AM
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As you get some sober time you often realize that the friends you chose while you were a drunk don't always wind up being good friend material. I can appreciate not wanting to lose friends but you will lose more by drinking.
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Old 08-30-2017, 02:06 AM
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As the crazy kids say, today...."Bye, Felicia!"
He sounds so delightful I understand why you're upset (sarcasm)
This IS a blessing, Sweetichick. The more sober time you have under your belt, I think you will find the more "friends" fall into the alcohol cosmos.
Those still left standing while you remain sober? THOSE are the keepers, my friend.
Stay strong and look at it like a diet; you're losing precious pounds in the form of humans.
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Old 08-30-2017, 02:17 AM
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Hey sweetichick - I assume this is the same guy that lives over the road?

He's been repeatedly controlling abusive and cruel to you on several occasions now - and thats just the stuff you've told us about.

I know the fear that you'll never make any new friends but you will - real friends who really appreciate you and care for you, and don't just use you when convenient, and abuse you when not.

You deserve better.

This is a good thing - not a bad thing.
Nothing to drink over.

Let the guy go.
He's a stinker.

D
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Old 08-30-2017, 02:51 AM
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Good riddins to him. You will be better off. He was poison just like alcohol. Get rid of them both. They were not good for you. Stay strong and stay tough. Sometimes bad moods can be cathartic. Welcome changes into your new lifestyle!
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Old 08-30-2017, 03:53 AM
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You may have 'lost' someone you used to consider a friend. Although I think using the word 'lost' in this context is odd (something an AV might say perhaps???!!!!) It's a bit like being treated for head lice then saying we 'lost' them.
The reality is that most of us come to sobriety with some baggage. Often that baggage is in the shape of slippery people. So, yep, sometimes people we used to consider friends need to go - especially if in getting sober we start to realise that they are in fact abusive.

I think you are right in seeing this as a blessing, and resolving to focus on your sobriety now.

You can make the decision not to be hurt and upset. You weren't being RID. He was behaving like a jerk and you didn't put up with it. And that is fine. You did the sensible thing and asked him to give you some space (a lot more polite than he perhaps deserved). When he says he can't handle you, perhaps he means he can't manipulate and walk all over you any more. If that's spoiled his fun, then GOOD!! He could easily have come over and apologised for acting like a jerk and offered to help clean up the mess he created. He didn't choose that. He chose to get defensive of his actions like a child. Honestly. You DO deserve better.

You say you don't know what to do. Well, sometimes we don't actually need to DO anything. The most important thing is (as you well know) Do Not Drink!!! (Why would you drink and open yourself up to repeating the pattern of submitting to further abuse?) You can make new and better friends over time. Ones who want to support you and make you happy, rather than finding entertainment in sabotaging your efforts to make your home comfortable and clean, and making you feel badly about yourself. There are various ways to do this: Get to meetings; Join up to volunteer to help a good cause and meet other kind and loving people; Explore your own interests with other like-minded people by joining clubs or groups; Get involved / more involved at church or in community events... Sure, it may take a little time, but meanwhile this guy was not much of a friend - he is no loss.

Hugs to you SC xxx
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Old 08-30-2017, 03:54 AM
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So he comes to YOUR home and cleans his dirty shoes on your floor and then calls you lazy and stupid?........drop him like a bad habit!
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Old 08-30-2017, 04:46 AM
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Sweetichick, is this really that "quick" or sudden? He has been abusive and manipulative for a long time based on your posts...

Sometimes the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You can thrive without him--time and distance might provide some perspective on just how good and dependable a "friend" he really is.
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Old 08-30-2017, 05:00 AM
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Hi:

I really hope this is the last time that you allow this man to treat you like this. You have posted several times about him, several. The story is almost always the same, him calling you names and acting out.

I think that you should put yourself first and drop this man. Friends bring you positivity and don't call you lazy or stupid. I don't mean to blame you but eventually YOU are going to have to put your foot down and advocate for yourself. Why are you allowing this? What is this relationship bringing you other than grief? You don't owe him anything!

Stop this madness already!
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Old 08-30-2017, 07:21 AM
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One thing I've learned so far in this journey is that change is an absolute necessity. You WILL get through this and be all the better for it.
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Old 08-30-2017, 07:32 AM
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WOW...sounds like this is the best blessing that can happen to you, getting him out of your life. This is not a friend. This is not what you need in your life. You need you and what makes you well and healthy again. Stay on the sober train because jumping off does nothing but make your life worse. Good luck!
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Old 08-30-2017, 07:40 AM
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how is ANYTHING going to change when NOTHING changes?
that nothing changing being still allowing this person in YOUR home or even on YOUR property. notice i didnt say friend- friends dont treat me like that. in fact, NO ONE treats me like that because i dont allow it. i dont allow it around be because i CHANGED something-
i made my well being a higher priority than having people around me.

i hope you do the same.

"How could something like this happen so quick? "

sc, i say this with extreme sincerity:
youre in some serious denial if you think this happened "so quick."

seems like calling your old friend from AA, going to a meeting, and starting to work the program would be wise.
especially since the beginning of the month is coming again and ya have a tendency to drink once you get money.
starting the viscious cycle again
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:40 AM
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I guess when you was drinking he felt he could control you ..now you have quit and shown you can do things for yourself and be independent he is feeling threatened hence acting way he is ..like a child

Unfortunately I was just like him when I was drinking..I am very ashamed to say that

Hate to say it but he sounds toxic to your recovery and your best shot of him
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Old 08-30-2017, 10:16 AM
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This sounds like a good thing to me.

There's a saying that I feel is entirely appropriate here. 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'.

If I was you, I would kick back and relax with a good book in celebration.
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Old 08-30-2017, 02:21 PM
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Sounds like a total d**k of a friend to me, slam the door into his back on the way out!!! U don't need that negativity!!
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Old 08-30-2017, 04:19 PM
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How are you doing sweetichick?
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Old 08-30-2017, 04:37 PM
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Sweetichick, a man who calls you lazy and stupid and purposely messes up your floor right in front of you, is not someone who should be in your life. It IS a blessing that he is gone, and it will open you up to meeting new and healthy people who appreciate you.
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