Over this downward spiral

Old 08-29-2017, 04:33 PM
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Over this downward spiral

Hello all. I've known for a long time that I am an alcoholic, but it's just been in this last year where I've felt ready to stop...or seen the damage I was causing. I am 40, drank a lot in college like many...then moved to a town where all my friends were constantly going out. My 20's was spent doing a lot of drinking but I don't think I was out of hand until I moved to CA in my late 20's - I would drink before I went out so I wouldn't have to pay for more drinks - or be looked at funny for drinking more than others.

It kind of tamed out after I met my husband at 33. I really wanted to show my best self so wine drinking was pretty normal (splitting a bottle is normal, right?). He loves wine so there were definitely over indulging occasions but they really were just that. Until after having kids. I had so much anxiety after my first. Drinking brought peace and not worrying. This is when things really escalated. At some point in the last 3 years I went to daily drinking that started out at 2/3 of a bottle and now, 1.5 bottles to about 2 on weekend.

Last year at this time I started getting bruises all over my legs - and not because I was falling down. I am not a black out person so something else was going on. I got every test imaginable and everything was good, and I just knew it was something about drinking. At the time I was drinking every night and most Sunday mornings (and all day). One Sunday morning I went a little overboard and was pretty wasted out with my husband and kids. It was the first time he confronted me and was very angry of course. It was my wake up call. I was sober for 4 or 5 weeks - those were some wonderfully clear and happy weeks. I didn't go back full force but slowly but surely, the daily drinking started again.

A typical night was a bottle and a half of wine. I kept it well hidden - either in a water bottle or in one of those small boxed wines (yuck) in a purse in my closet. Ugh, the shame of it.

It's not even fun. It's so hard to describe, although you all know, how the brain just makes excuses. So this is my first day and of course I have an excuse in my mind - my starting point was supposed to be tonight, partly because I bought tons of veggies and healthy foods to make, pressed juices, etc to help with the detox aspect. Last year when I stopped drinking I had some intense night sweats (also day sweats), a little shakiness on the first day or 2, some twitching at night, increased anxiety, sensitivity to sound and brain fog. But it went away pretty quickly (night sweats lasted about a week) and I felt amazing. My excuse for tonight is that I have leftover sushi to eat and I can't start the "cleanse" until tomorrow anyway.

My skin is dry, my hair is less thick than it was (luckily I have a lot), I know I look older - I saw such a difference when I stopped last time in all of those things. I am 20 pounds overweight, I am constantly thirsty even though I drink A LOT of water.

I just want to be free. Last time I thought if I could stop and just be a "normal drinker" - 1-2 glasses here and there. I was able to do it for a few weekends but here we are again.

I am rambling but I have never reached out for help before. My husband is wonderful, but I am too ashamed to talk about this. I am thankful to have found this place and have and give support I know we all need. Thanks for reading.
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Old 08-29-2017, 04:39 PM
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Welcome fairydustsienna. We're so glad to have you join us.

I knew in my 20's I didn't drink like normal people - but I did nothing about it. Kept going, trying to use willpower to control it, and found myself years later in deep trouble. I was dependent on it - took it everywhere - it was never out of my system, or I'd shake. This won't happen to you - you have seen where this is headed, and you're taking action. Be proud of yourself. You can do this.

SR is a great place for encouragement - we can talk things over with those who understand and care. The normal drinkers in our life just don't get it, and never can. I think posting here will help with the anxiety when you first stop. You can and will get free.
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Old 08-29-2017, 04:39 PM
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Welcome. Glad you found us.

You know, there will never be a perfect day to make our day 1. There will always be some reason (excuse) or another to wait til tomorrow or next week or next month.

You can do this though. Sobriety is only a decision away.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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Old 08-29-2017, 05:11 PM
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welcome fairydustsienna
Coming to SR helped me turn my life around - there's amazing support here.

Look forward to seeing you around some more

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Old 08-29-2017, 05:23 PM
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Welcome to the family. I'm glad you joined us. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
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Old 08-30-2017, 11:00 AM
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how are you today fairydustsienna ?

i went to a great AA meeting last night

God bless
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Old 08-30-2017, 11:56 AM
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Dear Fairydust,

Welcome! So glad you posted. I recognize much in your story. You are right and smart to recognize the downward spiral you are in and to do all you can to climb out. It's no way to live, and experience here shows that it inevitably, always, gets worse.

I have been wine free since the end of May now, and life is so much better. Posting here, reading others' stories and wisdom here, and being honest with myself have made all the difference. This can be your turning point too.

If you want to read my story, it's here:

Please read around, ask questions, and keep posting. There's a lot of support here.
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Old 08-30-2017, 12:02 PM
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FDS welcome, how goes it today ?
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