Day 338 and I'm wavering...
 

I know all the reasons why it wouldn't be, but I can't shake the thoughts that this present life would be so much easier to handle if I was drinking again...

Good morning Anustart. Is there any way you can get to a meeting and talk about these feelings you are having with the group? When I have those kind of thoughts creep in that always helps. Play the tape through. What will really happen if you you pick up a drink? It will give you that momentary relief but it's a package deal. You will also get the consequences that come with it. You're doing great!! And good on you for posting before drinking.
338 days is amazing!! ✨

What's going on in your life that make you feel this way Anustart? Sometimes it helps to simply post your thoughts and get them out. Do you have a group thread your posting in? If not, can I suggest the one year and under club? Some thoughtful people there....

Thanks, guys. I haven't posted here in a long time because I haven't had these kinds of doubts in a long time.

I know self-pity is tiresome to read about, but since you asked I'm separated from my wife and feeling awkward with family and friends about it so I'm increasingly isolating. I'm working seventy hours seven days a week for what feels like too little remuneration for the effort and it's just an endless cycle, but when I'm not working I just don't know what to do with myself.

I dabbled in AA when I started all this and I found it supportive, but perhaps not the answer for me. But I've been considering a revisit.

Great job reaching out for support and getting some face to face support would be really good too. Just need to work through the thoughts and emotions that our AV manipulates. Stay strong. I hate day 1!

Good way to put it!

Glad you posted here - you don't want to start over. It helps me to remember all the misery I've caused myself from drinking.

In the long-term, no, Sylvie.

In the short-term - probably the VERY short-term - maybe some peace? For at least a little while? That numbness at the very least.

Play the tape forward....after the 'numbness" wears off, what feeling will you be left with and how are you going to deal with it? More numbness? When will it end if you begin drinking again? Is is worth it to start again? Do you really want to be at Day 1 again?

Nothing will change if you drink. You are just wanting to run from your feelings and problems. They will not go away. instead you have new problems to add to the ones you have.

I am sorry, there is no easy out, you must go through.

can you change jobs? get off the treadmill? down size?

Are you eating regular meals with lots of nutritious food? How about 30 minutes of exercise a day? That will work wonders, trust me. Even with (especially with) your work schedule, you need a lot of support for your body. Not eating enough healthy food affects my moods and coping ability greatly.

I am a loner by nature, but that doesn't mean breakups are easy for me. There is that time in between that is difficult, but then I find fun stuff to do and start taking care of myself and start enjoying my own company again. You will too.

Sometimes anniversaries are emotional. You're coming up to one year of sobriety and it could be that you are a little off because of that.

Anustart

Please don't go back. Find someone to talk to and get some support. Trust me from one that knows. There is nothing but regret at the bottom of the bottle.

If I start, I won't stop. I know that. In my mind I try to rationalize, "Well, it's my birthday on the 16th. I can allow myself a drink then," or, "My anniversary is on the 25th. I can drink just that one day every year." But I know better. I do.

I'm trying to eat healthier and I'm working on a viable alternative to my work schedule now. Sleep deprivation isn't helping matters. Exercise has gone out the door. Gotta find a way to change that. Maybe these things will help, maybe not. I don't know.

It's just hard. My marriage isn't on the rocks because of alcohol, but alcohol didn't help. Quitting is the one good thing to come out of this mess... but the AV just keeps whispering how good a nice ltitle bender would be.

I'm fighting it with all I got. All I got.

Allow yourself a drink? To celebrate your birthday? Alcohol is not a reward.

Alcohol is a dead-end. Every time you drink it inches you closer to premature death. The way you and I drink, it is poison. Not a reward at all. That is just a lie.

Well, you know you would be welcome at any AA meeting - all you need to do is consult Google and get your bum to a meeting. AA is what taught me the strategies for living comfortably sober. I reckon I might have managed to stay sober a while before the old AV caught me out again, but I'd have had a lot on my mind without working on my recovery.

You can rock up on an occsassional basis - just as folk do if they're on holiday somewhere.

Why not do yourself a good honest list of the ways alcohol affects different areas of your life when you are active in your addiction? That might help you with the task of playing the tape forward to how things could / would likely go if you risked that bender:

Relationships
Integrity
Money
Work
Health
Home / House

All those things were affected for me - all negatively. I pray I never go back there, and I pray that you won't either.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and continuing recovery.

BB

PS...

October 2015
"Almost thirty-six hours sober... After ten years, countless drinks, shattered self-confidence, wasted opportunities, ruined events, too many blackouts, and a reputation tarnished perhaps beyond repair, I'm quitting. For good. I haven't told my wife, my family, or my friends, but they'll see for themselves soon enough. I'm so very tired of disappointing people. Mostly myself."

Wow, Berrybean, that... puts it in perspective. Very much so. Thanks.

And you almost have a year sober.
Many never get to see it.
M-Bob

338 days and then aaaaaaaaall the way back to day ONE....how does that sound? Pretty awful!

You have come SO far , take a step back and breathe.

Please don't do it. I had 3.5 years sober and picked up again last year. Now i'm struggling to get a few days sober before starting again. It's so much harder the next time round. Please don't throw it all away.

You will get through this difficult time and be stronger for getting through it. some great suggestions on food, exercise, keeping busy and looking after yourself. Coming here is great too. Wishing you all the best.