Not fat anymore, still sober and sort of stupid
 

This is a followup on a thread I wrote in the beginning of May. I was bemoaning the fact that sobriety had made me fat (I was near death while drinking) and unorganized at my job, to the point of stupidity (well, stupid mistakes, lame performance).

sigh. Well, I lost most of that weight by dieting and exercising. But, now I am reminded of my other problem: I used think much faster while drinking--I also used to be charismatic, quick-witted, and, I guess, an engaging speaker. I'm reminded of this because I'm in the (necessary) position to perform the same set of duties while sober. I felt even more threatened when someone said, "Yeah, someone recommended I come to you--it was the best [fill in the blank, you can probably guess] he's ever had here." Yeah. I can't match that now WHILE I'M SOBER. As I lecture or prepare, I just don't feel the motivation or whatever. As I look back at my old materials, I wonder how the hell I did any of that. It's nearly miraculous that I had the energy to pull all of that off and then some when I can barely get things done now. That was weeks before I was rushed to ER and put in ICU.

I can't match my drunk standard and I'm so highly annoyed. It shouldn't be like this. Before anyone tells me it was all in my head or my judgment was clouded by drinking, I'll just say that I was empirically evaluated.

Why am I duller and not interesting as a sober person? I see this here all the time and it's always answered by, "No, you actually weren't. You just think you were. It's all in your head. You are a better person while sober."

I'm glad that's the case for many. It's just not for me. doesn't mean I'm going to drink. I'm just frustrated. I'm not better at what I do while sober, but I'll continue to do it sober. It just sucks because this isn't the way the universe is supposed to mete out rewards/punishments.

Though you've said so much, I'd like to hear more.

"this isn't the way the universe is supposed to mete out rewards/punishments. "

Well, obviously it is, if that is what is happening.

(we can't control the universe)

I'm curious about what you were presenting. I am thinking about presentations I have had to do for work, and cannot imagine being able to prepare for, or present when drinking.

Perhaps all you need is time. Hang in there... It will get better.

I was thinking a few days ago about how it can sometimes be when you quit drinking. Everything in the short run seems to get much worse before it begins to even out then hopefully get better.

It can take some time for mind and bodies to heal - especially if you drank destructively for a long time.

Sobriety hasn't affected your quick wits - it was the years of drinking did that.

We *think* drinking helps our performance because we get our fix and the angst dissipates...but meanwhile overall every bender is dumbing us down...

It took me a while to get my 'game' back soberly but I did.
You will too - but only if you stay sober.

D

I'm not going to say that your stellar performance while drinking was all in your head, but I am going to suggest that this part is:

You don't have to live up to your negative perceptions of yourself...you can exceed them. You must exceed them. Being miserable in sobriety is our addiction's cruelest trick, not the universe's.

I know you didn't want to hear us say it's all going to be better sober....but I do believe that and I echo what Dee and others said.

So, I'll ask you a question: what are you going to do about it? You describe the problem- what is your solution? I ask from the standpoint of believing the AA saying "if I'm not the problem, there is no solution."

I have found - many times- that in sobriety, I have to figure out what it is that I need to change about myself. My approach to something- following others constructive criticism or observations, reading and learning for self-improvement...and things have gotten better- "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" as the BB says.

My best to you that you keep going and do not lose heart. Sobriety is indeed a process and we all face hurdles. Take care.

AV alert all over! All over!

Do you really think you did better drunk? That's a AV classic.

Also, terminal uniqueness all over.

Please take a step back and try to read your post from a stranger's perspective. What would you say to yourself after reading this? I don't mean to sound smug.

Keep your eye on the price. Remember what you came here for.

I don't think I did better while drinking. I know I did. How do I know this? We receive highly detailed evaluations and performance reports that measure every possible metric of the job (I'm talking about 20 pages and we are measured over the course of many months). I haven't said what I do for a living, but I'm sure people have guessed. I'm not trying to be coy or cagey, but I'm also trying to remain somewhat private.

So yeah, it's not the classic, "I thought I was so cute and smart while drunk." It's not the meme that shows people dancing and says: "How you picture yourself when drunk" and, then, "How you are when drunk."

No uniqueness hoped for. I'm very frustrated.

If it were all in my head or a psychological thing, time will tell because I'll be evaluated again in a few months. The good news is, I feared this was going on back in April, but my evaluations turned out much the same. This is the first time I've been back in this peculiar position since my drinking days (I've been sober for 15 months).

To answer another question--I have no idea how I did this. It was repeated performance, so not a one time gig or lecture. The amount of stuff I did at that point in preparation for these things makes me feel intimidated and tired. And everything was error free (this was my complaint back in May--I seem to be more careless now).

The only thing I can think of is that I was extremely high functioning and scared of losing the last bastion of sanity. Maybe now I'm complacent. I don't know, but this isn't enjoyable.

And, no. This isn't a humble brag. If you check my post history, it's a series of being down on myself, whether it's about my job, personal life, married life, etc.

I have no idea what you do, but perhaps you should consider doing something else, if doing it well, depends on you drinking.....that's a pretty high price to pay in my opinion.

Take a close look at this 20 page evaluation and see if there are things that sobriety allows you to do better? For example, I have much more focus and am less rattled when nervous, then when I drank. I listen better, hence, form better responses.

I can't remember how long you have been sober, but for my first year plus I felt like my IQ had dropped several points. My mind felt dull, I couldn't follow the plot of a book (I am a voracious reader), I struggled at work because I couldn't remember anything. I could go on but you get the idea. I was starting to believe that I had wrecked my brain!

It took time but eventually I started enjoying my books again, I was retaining information, and my mental sharpness returned. My brain came back to me!

The one thing that helped me during that time was the promise I made to myself to view my first year of sobriety as a time of healing. No pressure to be or do, just to rest and heal.

(((notgonnastoptry)))

(and by the way, I am a smart woman but I haven't figured out what you do for a living :))

I kind of understand what you're saying. That speedy brain wasn't really a friend to me, though. It came with crippling withdrawals later on, anxiety and depression.

I haven't figured out your job either, but were you drinking around the clock? I used to get bursts of creativity in the first couple hours of drinking but I couldn't hang on to that - it was in short bursts. So were you drinking during these presentations? Because that isn't real creativity, and eventually the amounts would have increased and you would have been found out - which I can't imagine would be good for anyone's career.

It took me a long time to feel "together" again. Are you getting some regular exercise? That affects my thoughts more than I would have imagined. That and regular nutritious meals. If you have been restricting food to lose weight that could be part of it. I get dull when I'm underfed.

It's not worth drinking. Congrats on the weight loss.

The drunk life is an illusion. As time goes on we see things more clearly. I am in my third year of sobriety and just now realizing how many things that I thought were "normal"....really just were NOT at all. It takes time to thaw out and discover who we really are as human beings...without booze and drugs masking everything. It really is like peeling back the layers of an onion. It's hard, but a worthwhile process. I felt very empty and BLAHHH for a long time after getting sober...who was I? What did I like to do? What values did I have? I had no clue! These things come in time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get there, I promise.

You are still early in sobriety. I can tell you absolutely at just over a year for me I feel like I have a competitive edge over other sales reps I work with because I am more energetic, more fit, sharper etc... At first, not so much, kind of like a turtle.

I am successful but I was resting on those laurels as I escalated my drinking, slowly heading down. I am not resting now. The person that got me to the top is back and climbing back up not sliding down.

You can believe whatever you want, but your best is not heavy drinking. No one is their best heavy drinking or drugging unless your best is followed by immediate death.

I am playing a long game, how about you?

no your not.. you just need a different path for interests. yep..
\

hi,
In your first paragraph you say you weren't organised at your job and were making stupid mistakes and lame performance. But then you say you were better at your job sober. Maybe it was just some areas you felt you were doing better ?

I know it took me months and months to feel 'normal' or on top form, whatever that was. I never truly felt as sharp or as 'on form' as I did and I thought it was stopping drinking that made me feel dull and less sharp. I realise now that whilst there was a heck of a lot of recalibration of mind and body going on I was also less sharp due to the natural aging process. I quit at 38 and after many months I was diagnosed with a premature menopause which made my mind feel like cotton wool and has reduced more over the years too.

I am assuming you are female (huge apologies if you are not :) ) You don't say how old you are but it could be a natural aging slowing down process and/or menopause if you are female. It might be worth going to your dr and getting all your bloodwork done just to check there is not something else or other vitamin/mineral deficiency. Just a thought :)

With appraisals, it's not unusual that our work isn't as great in the first year of sobriety given the huge physical, mental and emotional changes we are going through. I don't think it means we were better at stuff when drinking. I was more hasty, reckless and confident perhaps but the downside of the drinking was too much to deal with.

I have no idea what you do for a living, but maybe your performance was better because you didn't overthink. I could be way off, just throwing a possibility out there.

so, ya had a drink one day and magically became a charismatic, quick-witted, and engaging speaker?
or was it something that took a little time?

give it time. youll learn how to do it sober,too.

Hi. Just like to say I was thinking the same as 2ndhandrose reading your thread. It takes time to heal. Give yourself a break. It will come back to you time and maybe making the comparisons between what you did before and what you are doing now is adding to your exhaustion. If you carry on drinking you'll hit the point where you won't be good at anything. Wishing you the best.

Hey notgonna, If you had kept on drinking, do you think you could've sustained that high performace for very long? Even if it is true that you were "empirically better" at what you do while drinking, my guess is that the people benefitting from that were the people listening, and the one paying the heavy price (leading to the ER) was you.

I think it's likely you can get your groove back, while being healthy. It'll just be different.

Do you think you may be dealing with some depression? It could be that, more than sobriety. You won't have been the first creative person to struggle with it. But flaming out is no way to go.

I bet patience isn't your strong suit, but try to embrace it! You deserve health and life, and you clearly have so much to offer!