Daughters birthday
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
Daughters birthday
Today my eldest turns 18. I haven't seen her since she was 12. Normally I ring my ex-husbands home and if she or the youngest answer they hang up on me. I keep ringing usually drinking at the same time and eventually my ex-husband answers. He gives me an update on how the kids are. I go away partially satisfied.
Last year I avoided the whole scenario by sending her a message on Facebook. She blocked me just near Christmas.
Why am I writing this? It's wierd today I don't even feel like bothering trying to ring. What is the point? She has made her decision about me. Plus I am sober today and don't want to upset myself. I will end up drinking to gain the courage to pick up the phone without my voice sounding trembling and anxious.Maybe I am just being selfish. But I don't want to drink. Just want to forget today is the day.
Last year I avoided the whole scenario by sending her a message on Facebook. She blocked me just near Christmas.
Why am I writing this? It's wierd today I don't even feel like bothering trying to ring. What is the point? She has made her decision about me. Plus I am sober today and don't want to upset myself. I will end up drinking to gain the courage to pick up the phone without my voice sounding trembling and anxious.Maybe I am just being selfish. But I don't want to drink. Just want to forget today is the day.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Sweetichik, my daughter turned 13 last month. She has also cut me out of her life for almost 2 years.
I am sorry you're going through this. I understand.
Sometimes we have to put some walls up to keep ourselves safe. I understand very deeply your words.
I think this is part of the grief process, maybe not that you are trying to forget the day itself, but maybe more the engulfing, heart wrenching pain you once felt. Last year it tore me apart so badly I couldn't take it.
This year, I protected myself. I always try in little ways to make it known to her that I still love her. But I keep my distance. There is very little point in a lot of ways.. we can't change other people.
You are doing the right thing, by staying sober and I hope, keeping care and being kind to yourself.
I am sending lots of love your way. If you ever want to chat more feel free to PM me.
I am sorry you're going through this. I understand. Sometimes we have to put some walls up to keep ourselves safe. I understand very deeply your words.
I think this is part of the grief process, maybe not that you are trying to forget the day itself, but maybe more the engulfing, heart wrenching pain you once felt. Last year it tore me apart so badly I couldn't take it.
This year, I protected myself. I always try in little ways to make it known to her that I still love her. But I keep my distance. There is very little point in a lot of ways.. we can't change other people.
You are doing the right thing, by staying sober and I hope, keeping care and being kind to yourself.
I am sending lots of love your way. If you ever want to chat more feel free to PM me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Sending you a hug, sweetichick. I'm sorry for your pain. Staying sober is the best way to pave a path for a future relationship.
Do whatever is best for you right now. If you don't want to call, trust your instincts.
Do whatever is best for you right now. If you don't want to call, trust your instincts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
I'm sorry, that must be very difficult. I'm glad you put your sobriety first. Maybe in time she will be ready to have a relationship with you, and the more sober time you get under your belt, the better the chances of that happening.
One thing that may help is buy a card, and write what you would like to say to her in her 18th birthday. Start a box, and put notes, cards things that remind you of your children in there. Hopefully some day in the future you will be able to give it to them, and they will know that you have always loved them, and thought about them.
Sending a few extra hugs your way.
❤️Delilah
One thing that may help is buy a card, and write what you would like to say to her in her 18th birthday. Start a box, and put notes, cards things that remind you of your children in there. Hopefully some day in the future you will be able to give it to them, and they will know that you have always loved them, and thought about them.
Sending a few extra hugs your way.
❤️Delilah
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm sorry sweetichick. I really believe tho that things work out in the end - noone knows what might happen when we stay sober and turn things around
I'm really glad you're not drinking today
D
I'm really glad you're not drinking today
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by sweetichick 
Thanks Dee. I'm glad I am not drinking too. This is one of the first birthdays I have got through sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm sorry, as a mum myself, that must be awful for you.
Being sober is fabulous and keep going.
You are not a bad person, always remember that.
Have you thought about having a special box for your daughter for when you have contact with her again?
It wouldn't have to be an expensive box. It could be a cardboard box.
Or maybe you could decorate it for her? Put her name on it maybe?
Use it like a memory box and it would mean that you have not forgotten her.
Keep it with you at home in a safe place.
Make it special and safe, so no-one can see it or look in it.
It will show that all the years you have had no contact you have still been thinking of her every day.
You could write notes to her and write birthday cards. Record on paper thoughts and wishes you might have for her.
I often see little cards and tokens when I am shopping. I always try to find a nice shell or pebble to take home to remind me of a holiday or a nice place to I visited.
Each time you write something for her, put it in the box.
Then when you are reunited, you could give the box to her and she can see that you always had her in your thoughts.
I am sure you will be reunited in the future.
I was thinking it might help you and help your daughter.
For me, I have had times when I have thought, I would have loved to buy my grandma that card/picture/gift and then I am engulfed with sadness that she is not there anymore.
If this happens to you, you can buy it and then place it in the box.
It doesn't fully compensate for that person not being there, but it will help and make feelings less raw.
My grandma passed away over a year ago.
She loved getting postcards. It was her thing it made her feel special.
She kept them all too.
For the last 3 holidays I have had, I have still bought her a postcard and written it.
I even addressed them and put a stamp on.
The 1st postcard I dropped into the sea.
The other 2 I put in the post.
I decided whoever bought her house, can decide what to do with them when they arrived.
The postcards goes a little way to making me feel better.
I wish you the best xx
Being sober is fabulous and keep going.
You are not a bad person, always remember that.
Have you thought about having a special box for your daughter for when you have contact with her again?
It wouldn't have to be an expensive box. It could be a cardboard box.
Or maybe you could decorate it for her? Put her name on it maybe?
Use it like a memory box and it would mean that you have not forgotten her.
Keep it with you at home in a safe place.
Make it special and safe, so no-one can see it or look in it.
It will show that all the years you have had no contact you have still been thinking of her every day.
You could write notes to her and write birthday cards. Record on paper thoughts and wishes you might have for her.
I often see little cards and tokens when I am shopping. I always try to find a nice shell or pebble to take home to remind me of a holiday or a nice place to I visited.
Each time you write something for her, put it in the box.
Then when you are reunited, you could give the box to her and she can see that you always had her in your thoughts.
I am sure you will be reunited in the future.
I was thinking it might help you and help your daughter.
For me, I have had times when I have thought, I would have loved to buy my grandma that card/picture/gift and then I am engulfed with sadness that she is not there anymore.
If this happens to you, you can buy it and then place it in the box.
It doesn't fully compensate for that person not being there, but it will help and make feelings less raw.
My grandma passed away over a year ago.
She loved getting postcards. It was her thing it made her feel special.
She kept them all too.
For the last 3 holidays I have had, I have still bought her a postcard and written it.
I even addressed them and put a stamp on.
The 1st postcard I dropped into the sea.
The other 2 I put in the post.
I decided whoever bought her house, can decide what to do with them when they arrived.
The postcards goes a little way to making me feel better.
I wish you the best xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
Thanks Sasha. What an awesome idea. By doing that I can keep her alive in my heart. It would make a lovely gift for her when I do see her again. Thanks again for such an uplifting post.
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