I want out
 

I want to stop. I've stopped before. I was sober for one year. Why can't I do it again? I feel like such a failure

You can do it. You did it before. You know what it takes and it's not pretty to start but anything feels better than being desperate to be sober, right?
Call your doctor, get the meds, pick the day and start living again.
You completely can do this.
Jules

You can do it. Pick yourself and start climbing that hill again. We're all in the same boat.

Sometimes it can seem harder to stop again. Im glad youre back. Youve done it before and can do it again. What are you doing today to take care of yourself?

I'm drinking today. Thought I had it under control. I thought it would be different but it's not. I met with a therapist who said I could die in my sleep mixing my meds with wine. It hasn't hit me? Why hasn't it hit me? I could die and I'm still drinking. How does this make sense?

because its untreated alcoholism and its progressing.
SC, getting sober aint easy- it first requires a decision- a decision to want to get sober. then a decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol- a decision to make whatever action is necessary.
staying sober is easy.

i hope you decide you want to get sober.
then become willing.

I want tomorrow to be my day 1. Can you help me through this?

Secretchord, I'm sorry to hear you're still drinking. It is the same process as the last time. Don't pick up a drink tomorrow. Go to bed sober. Get through the first few days to a week and things will start looking up.

You can do it.

This is harder than the first time. I don't know why but it is.

idk how we can help, but you can definately recover. we can support ya, but we cant do your recovery.
1st things 1st,though- i suggest ya dump out whatever alcohol ya have.

I dumped it an hour ago

good on ya!!!
now toss out the ass kikin machine- it aint gonna help ya.
nonono- not disassemble it and put it in the closet. :)

because that aint gonna help - youre not a bad person, just a sick one.

then start thinking about a recovery program/plan maybe???

I'm ready. I have to be ready. First temptation or craving I'm coming here. That's what I did last time and it worked. I'm too shy for groups.

Secretchord, I'm sorry you're struggling. It does seem to get harder each time, but you can make this the last time. We're here for you. I'm glad you dumped the wine and you can start on your Day 1. You can do this!

Good! I remember your last sobriety. You can absolutely do it, come here and read and post - it works.

I agree with tomsteve, shame and guilt are overrated!

Just do the next right thing. Put some clean sheets on the bed. Fix some snacks and watch a little mindless TV.

This has to be the last time. I can't do this again.

my nickname in high school was shyboy.
unless i had alcohol in me.
then when i got sober- working the program of AA- i learned i wasnt shy.
i had low self esteem , insecure, and fearfilled- i was certain other peoples' opinion of me wasnt quite the nicest of opinions.

theres other programs other than just AA,too.

Hi secretchord :)

I really believe alcoholism is a progressive condition, each time we go back it's harder to get off again. Hard is not the same as impossible though :)

It all starts with a day one - again not fun, not easy - but achievable.

there's tons of support here - and maybe see your Dr if you're worried bout withdrawals?

I agree that it's harder each time we start over. I had 3 yrs. once & went back out. That was the worst time of my life, & I almost didn't make it back from the brink. I felt like you do, secretchord - It had to be the last time - and it was. I have almost 10 yrs. So it can be done - and you're going to do it.

It definitely did get harder to recover each time. Withdrawling became significantly more severe. I would talk to your doctor about withdrawl meds as it can be very dangerous.
After my last relapse I just felt more done with it than ever before. I knew, like you said, I could not do that again. I would die.
That's the awful part about marinating yourself with a depressant like alcohol, it leaves you feeling so helpless that you don't care if you live or die. Or at least I did not. Now I do. It's work, but it's so much better than feeling that way.
GL,
Jules