I need help
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 136
As I read some of the stories my drinking Is the same way....I do a binge...I try to leave it alone but it is that week to two weeks of being sober where I feel overwhelmed by the calling of alcohol...by riding around sober and all the bars I ride by are calling me...as if there's a voice telling me to go and have a beer...which turns into whiskey which turns into me being 15 plus drinks in...which I don't come home that night...then because of guilt and shame I want to drink my sorrows away but that just starts the process all over again...last binge lasted 2 full days and nights I spent over 2 thousand dollars...and it's terrible...abandoning family...spending money I could have used for my family...my health and my bad choices....it's just so much to think about...I'm literally just sitting in a room looking at the trees outside wondering what happened to me that makes me like this...but I repeat this cycle bout once a month....I'm so tired...
Before taking a drink and you have similar troubles to me...please think of the damage it can do when you are like me and you don't have an off switch....love yourself!!!
Before taking a drink and you have similar troubles to me...please think of the damage it can do when you are like me and you don't have an off switch....love yourself!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You didn't do anything wrong. He came onto you sexually and inappropriately and you protected your boundaries.
Let's put this into context. If that had been Mary driving and she'd pushed him off and said 'no', same as you did, would that have been different?
Sounds like he was fighting his own demons and failing to figure some complicated personal stuff out. As his friend, if you'd have been equipped to deal with that at the time it sounds like you would have. But that wasn't in your remit at that time. You were no doubt shocked, and he'd crossed a trust boundary out of the blue for whatever reason.
Of course. It is really quite heart-breaking that he chose a tragic and permanent solution to what could have been a temporary problem rather than make amends to you and to seek support, advice and counsell from someone who could help him to perhaps come to terms with his sexuality and help him to make sense of this and reconcile his feelings with his faith. The thing is, you did not cause his actions, You could not change his actions nor could you control them. It is okay to grieve his loss, and the circumstances of his passing. But not right to blame yourself. You were not to blame or responsible for what happened.
Perhaps further down the line this is something that you could seek professional counselling for. In the meantime, perhaps you could write a letter to him telling him how you felt, how you now feel, etc, and hold a small private ceremony to remember him and pray for him to rest in God's peace, grace and mercy, and know your love for him as a friend and brother in Christ, regardless of your differing traditions.
BB
Let's put this into context. If that had been Mary driving and she'd pushed him off and said 'no', same as you did, would that have been different?
Sounds like he was fighting his own demons and failing to figure some complicated personal stuff out. As his friend, if you'd have been equipped to deal with that at the time it sounds like you would have. But that wasn't in your remit at that time. You were no doubt shocked, and he'd crossed a trust boundary out of the blue for whatever reason.
Of course. It is really quite heart-breaking that he chose a tragic and permanent solution to what could have been a temporary problem rather than make amends to you and to seek support, advice and counsell from someone who could help him to perhaps come to terms with his sexuality and help him to make sense of this and reconcile his feelings with his faith. The thing is, you did not cause his actions, You could not change his actions nor could you control them. It is okay to grieve his loss, and the circumstances of his passing. But not right to blame yourself. You were not to blame or responsible for what happened.
Perhaps further down the line this is something that you could seek professional counselling for. In the meantime, perhaps you could write a letter to him telling him how you felt, how you now feel, etc, and hold a small private ceremony to remember him and pray for him to rest in God's peace, grace and mercy, and know your love for him as a friend and brother in Christ, regardless of your differing traditions.
BB
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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BB you are very kind to have taken the time putting into words what I've been seeking to hear all these years. Not being equipped emotionally and intellectually at the time is my cross to bear. It was a terribly unfortunate thing and I was not the only person affected by it. He left his parents, three brothers and four sisters all who loved him very much. Thank you and may God bless you. Sam
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2018 is marching forward and knowing what I know about life time refuses to wait. I guess this is where we all say "Carpe diem" lets push on. So far so good as I seem to be acclimating to a life of sobriety. There is a hint of nostalgia in the air. No a loud calling or barking dog, thank goodness. Wife is much happier and she deserves a rest too. Something that is nagging at me, is I've become slightly cynical. Not sure where this heading but I am aware of it. I know I will remain sober today. Sam
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Well I am still here and sober. My work is lending to my benefit. I have applied all my energy and effort to it as it is keeping me from sliding back into bad habits. I also have a large financial and emotional debt to pay that has accumulated over years of self indulgence. To say I am happy to be sober would not be completely honest. To say I understand it is the only path for me to safety is a understatement. Life has not changed drastically. There are no birds flying over my head and deer and rabbits are not following where I walk; "zip-a-dee-doo-dah-day" All the real life everyday emotions and problems still exist. Yet there is a hint of something in the air. A breath of freshness that I have yet to fully understand. It seems out of the blue or somewhere people (clients and vendors) are coming forward. They are talking to me about their connection with God. I don't know if they have always been there and I was not been listening. Or is that I am seeking? I know I will remain sober today. Sam
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Join Date: May 2017
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Sam, it is wonderful to read about your journey and see how far you have come already. Thank you for sharing. No pink clouds for me either. No butterflies or bluebirds singing on my shoulder. I also have to deal with the reality of all the time, energy and money that I squandered while drinking. Like other folks have mentioned here, it does feel like a grieving process at times. But, I get to wake up everyday sober. And everyday, I get a little stronger from facing and dealing with life just as it is. I am right there with you. We can do this.
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Thank you "wiseheart" your words are comforting. It really helps knowing other people have wandered the same path. We may have all got here for different reasons but here we are. There is no going back so I will push forward. I know today I will remain sober. Sam
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Samsheppard64 
Well I am still here and sober. My work is lending to my benefit. I have applied all my energy and effort to it as it is keeping me from sliding back into bad habits. I also have a large financial and emotional debt to pay that has accumulated over years of self indulgence. To say I am happy to be sober would not be completely honest. To say I understand it is the only path for me to safety is a understatement. Life has not changed drastically. There are no birds flying over my head and deer and rabbits are not following where I walk; "zip-a-dee-doo-dah-day" All the real life everyday emotions and problems still exist. Yet there is a hint of something in the air. A breath of freshness that I have yet to fully understand. It seems out of the blue or somewhere people (clients and vendors) are coming forward. They are talking to me about their connection with God. I don't know if they have always been there and I was not been listening. Or is that I am seeking? I know I will remain sober today. Sam
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I had to push myself to login this evening. Fighting off a strong urge to drive to the c-store and pick up a six pack. I know if did I could knock down two three go home and nobody would be the wiser. SO... if I just stay here and type out what I am thinking. Time will slip by and that window will be gone. Well what do you know it almost time to go home. Thank you SR, my rational brain has won the day. I know I will remain sober this evening. Sam
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Well I stumbled. I could make up a bunch of excuses to try and make it sound justified, but I know it is all BS. I bought two six packs and drank nine of the twelve before I was finished. My only salvation is that was the extent of it. I tossed the other three bottles in the trash this morning. The thought in my head is "was it worth it" and the answer is "No"! There is nothing there for me. No great awakening no moment of inspiration. Only weakness and self-indulgences. It is day one I know I will remain sober today. Sam
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Originally Posted by Samsheppard64
Well I stumbled. I could make up a bunch of excuses to try and make it sound justified, but I know it is all BS. I bought two six packs and drank nine of the twelve before I was finished. My only salvation is that was the extent of it. I tossed the other three bottles in the trash this morning. The thought in my head is "was it worth it" and the answer is "No"! There is nothing there for me. No great awakening no moment of inspiration. Only weakness and self-indulgences. It is day one I know I will remain sober today. Sam
Again..welcome back and get back to work!
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To my wife who I love dearly "I am sorry". The painful thing is, she has heard those words from me so many times saying them directly to her holds no value. Last year was so very hard on us I cannot allow it to happen again. I cannot give up and I must maintain my sobriety. Sam
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Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
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I "heard" it in your post on Wednesday...because that's how my thoughts work, too: "I could knock down two three go home and nobody would be the wiser."
I believe that thought right there, started your relapse. It's one that enters my mind quite frequently, on a long weekend: I could go down, buy a fifth of vodka, drink the whole damn thing, and nobody would know it! But I've been at this quittin' thing for a long time, and I know in my soul that if it's okay once, it's going to be okay another time, and then another, and boom: I'm back to daily dying from drinking. And this time, I probably won't make it back.
It just has to Never be okay to drink, ever! Certainly for me, and I suspect for you, as well. Any thought to the contrary needs to be squashed like a bug immediately with a definite "No" in big red letters.
I've heard here: don't believe everything you think. If I ever think I can "get away" with drinking once in a while, my goose is cooked! So dust yourself off, and watch those thoughts, man...I'm rootin' for ya...
I believe that thought right there, started your relapse. It's one that enters my mind quite frequently, on a long weekend: I could go down, buy a fifth of vodka, drink the whole damn thing, and nobody would know it! But I've been at this quittin' thing for a long time, and I know in my soul that if it's okay once, it's going to be okay another time, and then another, and boom: I'm back to daily dying from drinking. And this time, I probably won't make it back.
It just has to Never be okay to drink, ever! Certainly for me, and I suspect for you, as well. Any thought to the contrary needs to be squashed like a bug immediately with a definite "No" in big red letters.
I've heard here: don't believe everything you think. If I ever think I can "get away" with drinking once in a while, my goose is cooked! So dust yourself off, and watch those thoughts, man...I'm rootin' for ya...
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Hi Sam - welcoem back 
I'm not sure posting every so often is doing you any faviours - what about committing to daily posting for a while, looking around at what others are doing to stay sober?
Its gotta be worth a shot?
D
I'm not sure posting every so often is doing you any faviours - what about committing to daily posting for a while, looking around at what others are doing to stay sober?
Its gotta be worth a shot?
D
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