Samsheppard64

46 days sober. This is a first for me. For anyone reading my posts. For me it is taking support from others in my social economic and yes religious circles. There are no two people exactly the same, however identifying similarities is important. I thank all the people willing to open up and share their struggles. I have a new close friend in my local town. His struggles, which he beat back, made mine seem almost trivial. For me it is about relating with and witnessing others having the "yeah been there" moments. My journey in sobriety began on this site. I am finding it is a path very much worth exploring. Sam.

DontRemember

Good to hear you're still doing this thing! I also found that when I stopped drinking people(clients,friends,ect..) were reaching out to me for help with their drinking problem. Some are normies with wives that go too hard and others were caught up in their head with drinking/drugging. BUT...who's going to go to an active addict for advice? LOL Quite amazing how 'WE' don't notice the struggle(s) of others when we're active in addiction.

Dee74

great to hear from you Sam - keep it going

D

Samsheppard64

It is the end of November 2017. I have failed to remain sober. I made it just past 90 days and convinced myself I am okay. If you are reading this and you are a young binge drinker. Do yourself a favor and seek help. I am in my 50's and I am not in control. Complete black outs. It is a terrifyingly horrible place to be. My drinking always starts out the same. I convince myself my past problems were do to circumstances out of my control. I go out and drink sociably with no real issues. The knowledge is there, knowing I am but one or two drinks from oblivion. I fight that off and say to myself "see, I am normal and can drink just like everyone else". The reality is I am not OK. I am angry and depressed. Two words the alcoholic understands all to well. Is this truly the struggle of my lifetime? It sure appears to be. If you are religious a prayer would be greatly appreciated. I've been knocking on that door for many years. Today begins day 2 of my pursuit of sobriety. Sam

PinnacleOR

Get back up and keep going. As I read your words I see in them the experiences you’ve had being drunk and knowing what sobriety feels like. The past is done, today is today and tomorrow is yours to move in the right direction.

I’m 50. I could write a book about my regrets, my countless relapses, why didn’t I stop sooner? I wasted my life. But I have today, I’m on Day 33 and I want to get busy living. Let’s do this.

Berrybean

Sorry you had a slip. But glad you made it back here.

So. What's next? What can you add in that was missing last time perhaps? Or what faulty thinking can you learn from.

I did a few month sober episodes. They were quite dangerous as each just served to 'prove' lol to myself that I can't have a problem with alcohol because I managed to stay sober. Thing is. Someone not having an allergic reaction to peanuts while not coming into contact with peanuts doesn't prove anything. Same with my reaction to booze. Because of course, as soon as I had some alcohol again, insanity resumed. Seems craziness now that I needed to do that two and a half times (the third time I just couldn't do it) to realise that the problems start when I start drinking, not when I stop.


Although, of course there were different problems when I stopped. Anxiety. Restlessness. Irritability. Discontentment. Self-loathing. Resentments (some justified and some jnsane ones) that had accumulated over my lifetime and not been dealt with reared very ugly heads with nashey teeth. I needed help to work through all of that stuff. Thankfully I got it and was able to work on my recovery.

Recovery is what makes sobriety bearable, sustainable, then later comfortable, and preferable to drinking. Please take a look at your recovery plan. Dee's a good, wise man to chat with about recovery plans, as are many others on here.

What about getting to some AA,meetings or similar this week ?

BB

tekink

I feel off a couple times myself, three times right around the two month mark. Once I got on after a day the other times I went off the deep end and it made me realize I simply cannot control myself and never will be able to. I'm coming up on 10 months now but I've learned a lot about myself and addiction in general along the way and it's getting easier for me now.

HTown

You sound ready to stop drinking. I hope you see that you like me cannot control drinking. It controls us. No such thing as a social drink. easier to never have one than trying to limit

JudicatorPanzer

Edit: Replied before reading the rest of messages Admin can you delete this message?

Hevyn

Sam, You have my prayers for sure - and I'm so glad you wanted to talk about what's going on. I did the same thing a few times - thought I was going to be able to use willpower to control myself. Finally, we learn it isn't possible for us. Thankfully you are still here and giving it another shot. I know it can be done - I am looking at almost 10 yrs. sober after drinking for 30. It was once my whole world. Now, it rarely crosses my mind. You are ready.

Dee74

Hi Sam

A lot of us faltered a time or two - this is not a one and done deal.

I believe you can get and stay sober, no matter how old you are or how long you've been drinking

I was an all day everyday drinker who got sober in my 40s - if I can do that you can too

I confused abstinence for control more than once. Acceptance is key I think.

Once I accepted my relationship with alcohol was toxic and always would be, my recovery really started moving.

Were you working to any kind of plan Sam?

D

Dee74

No need to remove the post JP - you redacted it, it's all good

D

Samsheppard64

Hi D,
Thank you for the support it is very much appreciated and welcomed. My plan was "no plan" just stop or control, because I am as normal as the next person. What is happening is I am having difficulty actualizing that I am a flawed or (my words to myself) a broken man. It is not a pleasant feeling and one my hole being works to reject. I am not sure AA is right for me. I did attend a meeting, everybody was very kind and welcoming. Just not what I was looking for. This forum is cathartic for me and lends the assistance I seem to be able to accept in my pursuit of sobriety. My hope is someone seeking answers may find something of value from my postings.

I am a modestly successful professional small business owner. I am in my 50's and can say without questions my 30 + years of alcoholic drinking has stopped me from attaining a higher level of success and financial freedom. By all accounts I should have been retired 10 years ago. Now because of my alcoholic drinking my ability to retire is (If I stop now) ten years in the future. There is only one thing I am certain of. If I continue to drink my wife will divorce me and I will die a miserable lonely death. Today is the beginning of my 3rd day of sobriety. I know I can stay sober today.
Sam

Dee74

an action plan can really help Sam?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

Samsheppard64

It is Monday the beginning of the 7th day of my pursuit of a sober life. I stayed home with my wife this weekend. Something I rarely do. We found it difficult to be civil, as she is still very angry with me. My wife deplores alcohol and would never consume it. She has always hated me drinking. Says I am not the same person when my eyes start to have that glassy look. Currently working through a self audit to remove any doubt what has slowed my progress over the last 30 years. I know I will remain sober today. I have a great respect for those that have mustered up the courage to understand and make the appropriate adjustments. Sam

Awake61

Thank you Sam for your posts - it helps me and I am sure others that we can not give up to the Beast of Booze. I am 61 and am staying sober, not just for my family, but now for me. Actually felt good waking up today. For a very long time, I couldn't stop because I kept looking back. Mini series of drunken losses. Not doing that anymore.

Hawkeye13

You can heal, and your marriage can heal Sam

Just stay sober one day at a time, and things will get clearer and easier

Samsheppard64

Beginning day 8. I know I can remain sober today. The cost of my last binge is in the thousands. Perfect timing as we approach Christmas. It would have been nice to have had that money to spend on my wife. Self loathing is all that is on the menu today. Schmuck!

Dee74

Self loathing is a waste of energy Sam.
You're doing well to correct your mistakes - cut yourself some slack?

D

Samsheppard64

It is the beginning of day 9 and I know I will remain sober today. Dee, thank you for the words of support. I'm okay and can handle some over due self deprecating analysis. Some how my "can do" bucket replenishes quickly. Which has actually worked against me in times past. Finding a good balance is going to be the key. Changing my life style is also important and probably the most difficult. Does anyone know if there is a app for tracking your sobriety? As Always my best to those fighting the good fight.