i relapsed
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
ST,
I had a manager/mentor many years ago who said two things on a regular basis that I carry with me to this day:
- Guilt is useless.
- Here I stand
These two little statements gain in strength for me as the years go by. It's not about the bad stuff that happens - it's about what you do with it. Today I stand sober and committed to living with integrity. Use what you have learned and know to launch into this next phase. Onward!
I had a manager/mentor many years ago who said two things on a regular basis that I carry with me to this day:
- Guilt is useless.
- Here I stand
These two little statements gain in strength for me as the years go by. It's not about the bad stuff that happens - it's about what you do with it. Today I stand sober and committed to living with integrity. Use what you have learned and know to launch into this next phase. Onward!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
i certainly learned i need to work more seriously on my recovery, and i made a lot of mistakes, and probably replapsed in my mind long before i poured my first drink. To be honest the only reason i did not drink all the time i was on vacation with my GF was because i didn't want to upset her, in my mind i really wanted to join in with all the people around me drinking, and i didn't feel comfortable at all in that setting. Feeling uncomfortable and left out was probably what made me want to drink again, i felt i was boring to be around and wasnt able to enjoy my time at all around people who all drank, and I was often asked why i was so silent and not partying around, making me feel like my friends didn't like the sober me... So when my GF wasn't around more to motivate me to stay sober, i just slipped and drank - i wasnt even pushed or encouraged by the people i went with, i just didn't have the wish to stay sober any more...
I most certainly was too confident i could manage, and i know now that i shouldnt have gone to such events so early in recovery, but I had planned my vacation long before i quit drinking 5 months ago and i didnt want to cancel it all and i would have felt i had let my GF down.
Now i know i need to be much more focused and serious in my recovery. Firstly i will spend some time at my parents place to get my body up and running again, and i need to work and a much stronger and better plan for my recovery - and be much more clear about informing my closest friends, and my GF, on what to expect from my side - and find heathier settings for socialising.
I most certainly was too confident i could manage, and i know now that i shouldnt have gone to such events so early in recovery, but I had planned my vacation long before i quit drinking 5 months ago and i didnt want to cancel it all and i would have felt i had let my GF down.
Now i know i need to be much more focused and serious in my recovery. Firstly i will spend some time at my parents place to get my body up and running again, and i need to work and a much stronger and better plan for my recovery - and be much more clear about informing my closest friends, and my GF, on what to expect from my side - and find heathier settings for socialising.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
I could need some adice how to talk to my GF though... I understand very well she is disappointed and angry that i relapsed and have every reason to be so, but i feel she is bringing me down and just making me feel worse about the situation when i talk to her, and that i have lost her support in my recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
We have Alanon here too... but sometimes i fear the more i tell her about recovery the more i make her worried, and she thinks it's too much for me to handle.
Currently we have a long distance relationship, but she plans to move here this Autumn and obviously she is scared because my recent relapse, and i cant blame her of having lost some faith.
I try to convince her she played a major part in my 5 months sober, and the reason i kept sober during my vacation was that i had her by my side to support me - and loneliness has certainly been a huge trigger for my relapse.
I am also worried to disappoint her by telling her that i might not want to go out like we used to in the future, because i learned now going to parties, festivals and bars were too much triggers for me - it's just not the right settings for a recovering alcoholic
Currently we have a long distance relationship, but she plans to move here this Autumn and obviously she is scared because my recent relapse, and i cant blame her of having lost some faith.
I try to convince her she played a major part in my 5 months sober, and the reason i kept sober during my vacation was that i had her by my side to support me - and loneliness has certainly been a huge trigger for my relapse.
I am also worried to disappoint her by telling her that i might not want to go out like we used to in the future, because i learned now going to parties, festivals and bars were too much triggers for me - it's just not the right settings for a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SoberTyger 
I could need some adice how to talk to my GF though... I understand very well she is disappointed and angry that i relapsed and have every reason to be so, but i feel she is bringing me down and just making me feel worse about the situation when i talk to her, and that i have lost her support in my recovery
something like," i know i drank. i know no one forced it down my throat. but im not going to take accountability for how anyone responded to it. i am only responsible and accountable for my own actions and feelings."
why does she have every reason to be disappointed and angry about it?
it may be time to learn about boundaries.
what kind of support were you having/expecting from her?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
I feel a lot of guilt for failing to keep my promises and for causing a lot of worries and grief. When i go into a binge i dont reply and fail to charge my phone for days. Having a long distance relationship makes it really hard for her when i fail to reply for days. I struggle to find out how to be honest about my condition and what to discuss with people who are close to me yet have no knowledge about recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by SoberTyger
We have Alanon here too... but sometimes i fear the more i tell her about recovery the more i make her worried, and she thinks it's too much for me to handle.
Currently we have a long distance relationship, but she plans to move here this Autumn and obviously she is scared because my recent relapse, and i cant blame her of having lost some faith.
I try to convince her she played a major part in my 5 months sober, and the reason i kept sober during my vacation was that i had her by my side to support me - and loneliness has certainly been a huge trigger for my relapse.
I am also worried to disappoint her by telling her that i might not want to go out like we used to in the future, because i learned now going to parties, festivals and bars were too much triggers for me - it's just not the right settings for a recovering alcoholic
Currently we have a long distance relationship, but she plans to move here this Autumn and obviously she is scared because my recent relapse, and i cant blame her of having lost some faith.
I try to convince her she played a major part in my 5 months sober, and the reason i kept sober during my vacation was that i had her by my side to support me - and loneliness has certainly been a huge trigger for my relapse.
I am also worried to disappoint her by telling her that i might not want to go out like we used to in the future, because i learned now going to parties, festivals and bars were too much triggers for me - it's just not the right settings for a recovering alcoholic
Your drinking has nothing to do with loneliness or parties or any other outside influence. It is within you.
You drink because you like the way it shuts up your brain, right? It quiets your fear. It feels good in the moment.
The key to recovery is to learn to live in peace with your fears and your thoughts without picking up something to make it all better.
I wouldn't want to move if I had a guy who was drinking in an uncontrolled manner and asking me to "fix" it. You're blaming her (loneliness/being alone/long distance) for your drinking. If she moves there, you'll be fixed.
This is your problem to solve. Don't try to make it hers. She would be wise to stay away until you solve this. If she were on this site seeking advice, that's what we would tell her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 257
I know i did a lot of mistakes in balancing recovery and my relationship. As in many other aspect of life. Living in dreams of the future automatically fixing my problems if i kept from drinking and not working on faxing the present. But the balance of recovery and my relationship is certainly a huge worry. A lot of issues i think of concerning alcoholism want to keep here or in the rooms rather than debating with even my closest still i want to remain honest to my dear ones who worry a lot for me
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
Full effort means full results. I like that Berry.
That one is a keeper.
Make a plan for your sobriety, Tyger.
Keep posting here for support.
If you have AA near you, it's a great support system as well
That one is a keeper.
Make a plan for your sobriety, Tyger.
Keep posting here for support.
If you have AA near you, it's a great support system as well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SoberTyger
But the balance of recovery and my relationship is certainly a huge worry.
recovery is the utmost #1 priority and main concern. period.
putting ANYTHING ahead of that keeps getting you drunk.
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